Air Travel Stuff

[Bumper]

Just returned from the airport, where I dropped Mrs. B off to catch an early morning flight. Had to be there by 5:00 AM (barbarians!) for a 6:00 AM Northwest to Minneapolis/Ft. Lauderdale, where she and three other "girls" are playing golf for 10 days. Am I jealous? Let's just say I offered to wear a skirt and play from the reds, but they declined...go figure! So, I'm off on the silver bird later today for a week of visiting my folks in Victoria, on the left coast. Not Florida, but warmer than Winnipeg. Maybe I'll pack my skirt and play from the reds on Vancouver Island! Anyway, it got me to thinking I've got a few air travel related items in my files, and this seems a reasonable time to unburden myself, since I won't be around to stick my oar in for a few days. Should be able to find some place to get on the forum and keep up with things, but won't be able to access my material for posting. You all get a break!!

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT


Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon, and premium quality for $18 a gallon.
Customer: Five gallons of the regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60, plus tax.


Buying paint from an airline...

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow! That is much too difficult a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices, up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What is the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference, it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I have to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use this paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, I’m sorry, but the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 paint?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you would have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week, and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to confirm we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff. I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes sir. You see we change prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually paid for your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons did you want?
Customer: I don’t know exactly. I think five gallons should do it, but perhaps I should take six, just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint, and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and North bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you if I use all the paint? I will have already paid you for it
Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset, that’s just the way it is. We make plans base upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting after Saturday night?
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for flying - I mean painting - with our airline.

************************************************** *******

Occasionally, airline pilots and flight attendants make an effort to make in-flight announcements a little more entertaining. Here are some real examples which have been reported:


“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this plane.”

“We do not feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing.”

“Smoking the lavatories is prohibited. Anyone caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

“Thank you for flying Delta business class. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”

“Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling panels above you. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”

“Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seatbelt sign. I’m switching to autopilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane, please clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcoming message, “This company is proud to have some of the finest flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”

“That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. Well, I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault...it was the asphalt.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our plane to the gate!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells have silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

************************************************** *******

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman who sat down next to him.

He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous, she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?”

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned forward and uttered the Delta slogan, “Love to fly and it shows?”

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, “Nope, not Delta.”

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?”

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan, “I would really love to fly your friendly skies?”

This time the woman savagely turned on him, “What the f**k do you want?”

The man smiled, then slumped back into his chair, and said...”Ahhh, Air Canada!”

[Rissask]

I heard a couple of those line quoted by WestJet flight atttendants!

I remember the smoking on the wing one and the '50 ways to leave your lover' one. THOSE people are fun to fly with!

[wleblanc]

WestJet is fun, got the new improved leather seats with TV at each seat with their own remote a couple of weeks ago on the Moncton - TO flight. I sure hope we get that one to Cancun in a couple of months!!

[cja]

I remember flying with British Airways from Heathrow to Madrid once. As usual, the French air traffic controllers seemed to be working to rule so all flights through their air space were delayed. The BA plane had to taxi to a parking area to wait for take-off, in order to free up the gate for another plane. While taxiing over, the flight attendant got on the PA and made an announcement something along the lines of "we are now travelling at an altitude of 9 feet and we should be arriving at our desitination, the parking area, in about 10 minutes. The weather there is very similar to the weather at the gate that we just left. We would like to thank you all for driving with BA."

I remember at the time everyone thought it was pretty funny.