A Stupid Person's Guide to Life

[Bumper]

Not that any of our friendly Forum Folk would qualify as Stupid Persons, but you may find the following helpful. Words to live by.

Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you've come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you'll find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.

The Guide

* Don't eat rocks.
* Don't take naps in the road.
* Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
* Don't throw a brick straight up.
* Don't breathe car exhaust.
* If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
* For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
* Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
* The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
* If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're travelling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
* If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
* Don't flip off the Mafia.
* If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
* Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
* Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
* Don't shave with a lawn mower.
* Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
* Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
* Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
* The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
* Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
* Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
* The expression "Life in the fast lane" should not inspire you to live in the road.
* Don't eat hot coals.
* Don't escape in to jail.
* Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
* Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
* Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
* Sell at most one of your kidneys.
* Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
* Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
* Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
* Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
* Don't snap towels at passing cops.
* Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
* Don't lick dry ice.
* Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
* Don't pour salt in your eyes.
* Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
* Don't microwave yourself.
* Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
* Don't swallow toothpaste.
* Don't chew Tylenol.
* Don't bathe in gasoline.
* Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
* Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
* Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
* Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
* Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
* Don't go swimming in a well.
* Rake leaves, not people.
* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
* Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
* If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
* Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
* Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
* Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
* Elvis is dead. Get over it.
* Wear clothes.
* Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
* Don't drink.
* Don't drive.
* Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
* Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
* When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
* When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
* Give me all your money.
* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
* Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
* Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

[Rainman]

Thank you Bumber for your help. But your a little late (been there done all that) and and named him stupid #2. Except for* Give me all your money.(check is on its way)

Seeking Baby sitter

Rainman

[Bumper]

My personal favourite is "Don't throw a brick straight up." I always think about that one when I see those news film clips of those (usually Middle-Eastern) whackos/soldiers/terrorists/freedom fighters firing their guns into the air, generally in celebration. Don't all those slugs have to come down somewhere? Seems to me they should all be wearing hard hats. Gotta figure having all those chunks of metal raining down on your head is going to take some of rosy glow off your victory.

[Big Kahuna]

"Don't lick dry ice" is the one that cracks me up. I always picture some nut case with his tongue stuck to a frozen sign post or something.

[KathyMc]

Elvis is dead. Get over it

Now wait a minutes are you sure Bumper?? Dog gone it, you just ruined my morning...

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by KathyMc

Now wait a minutes are you sure Bumper?? Dog gone it, you just ruined my morning...

Thank yoooou...thank yoooou, ver' much. Bumper has left the building.

[Nerak936]

Originally Posted by Bumper

* Don't throw an angry cat straight up.

My cats read your list, Bumper, and want to know the address of the publisher so that they can respectfully request a revision to the above instruction to have the words "angry" and "straight up" removed and the word "EVER" added at the end. And I myself should add, if these revisions are made, the "an" should then be changed to "a".

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Nerak936

My cats read your list, Bumper, and want to know the address of the publisher so that they can respectfully request a revision to the above instruction to have the words "angry" and "straight up" removed and the word "EVER" added at the end. And I myself should add, if these revisions are made, the "an" should then be changed to "a".

Thank you, Mary Newton Bruder (Internationally known authority on grammar and punctuation) and/or Ingrid Newkirk (PETA founder and president) Man, I don't want to be dealing with that cat when it comes down. Likely to be a tad miffed.

[Nerak936]

Originally Posted by Bumper

Thank you, Mary Newton Bruder (Internationally known authority on grammar and punctuation) and/or Ingrid Newkirk (PETA founder and president) Man, I don't want to be dealing with that cat when it comes down. Likely to be a tad miffed.

Big yup on that, Bump!! Even those unfortunately declawed kitties still have TEETH!! (I have a bite mark on the back of my hand from Eli this morning. He didn't feel like being cuddled at the moment, and I didn't cooperate in letting him down quite fast enough!)

[Rainman]

Everyday hazards in my line of work.
* For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
* Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
* Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
* Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
* Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
* Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
* Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

I do building repairs and maintenance.

Seeking Workers comp. Claim

Rainman

[TAPPY]

Originally Posted by Rainman

Seeking Workers comp. Claim

Rainman

[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Rainman

Seeking Workers comp. Claim
Rainman

A Canadian, an Irishman, and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man. The three men kept looking at the other fellow, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Canadian cried out, “My God! I know who that man is - it’s Jesus Christ!” The others examined him again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman called out across the lounge, “Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?”

The man looked over at him, smiled a small smile and nodded his head. “Yes, I am Jesus” he said.

Well, the Irishman called the barman over and said to him, “I’d like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guiness from me.” The bartender poured Jesus a Guiness. Jesus looked over, raised his glass in acknowledgment, and drank.

The Englishman then called out, “Er, excuse me sir, but would you indeed be Jesus?” Jesus smiles and says, “Yes, I am Jesus.” The Englishman beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a Beefeater and Schweppes to Jesus, with his compliments, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and raises his glass in a toast to the table.

Then the Canadian calls out, “Hey, buddy! So you reckon you’re Jesus, eh?” Jesus nods and says, “Yes, I am Jesus.” The Canadian is thoroughly impressed and has the bartender send over a jug of Labbatts Blue for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guiness. As he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, “Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The pain I’ve suffered from for years is gone! It’s a miracle!”

Jesus then shakes the Englishman’s hand, thanking him for the gin and tonic. Upon loosening his grip, the Englishman’s eyes widen in shock. “By Jove, the migraine! The migraine I’ve had for forty years is completely gone! It’s a miracle!”

Jesus then goes to approach the Canadian who says, “Back off, buddy. I’m on Worker’s Compensation.”

[Rainman]

Were dose Bumper get all these wonderfull jokes? Moral to this one is don’t try to get Jesus drunk, the man lived on wine & bread for 36 years. Speaking of workers comp. And express AI vacation to Heaven for all eternity. Put me in coach Im ready to play or (Pray).

Seeking Forgiveness

Rainman