Rules For Entering Texas

**Bumper** · 11-14-2004

Happened to stumble across this buried deeeeeep in my files. Can't imagine why I haven't posted it before now. Given the significant number of Texans who haunt these parts, I just know this will draw some interest and comment. While I was granted the exalted status of "Honourary Texan" quite some time ago, I don't feel it's appropriate that I contribute any further observations on the matter.

Rules For Entering Texas

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to.

No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.

We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.

Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.

Our women are some of the best looking in the country. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce.

You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best!

Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."

Softy57 · 11-15-2004

As a resident of the ridiculously liberal state os Massachusetts, I admire the attributes of Texans. Friendly,down-to -earth, patriotic and un-affraid. My kinda folks!

Big Kahuna · 11-15-2004

I didn't have anything to add to this post. I just wanted to see my countdown timer.

TAPPY · 11-15-2004

Seems like everytime I go to visit some one in Texas it is a party

So you gotta love Texas !!!!

Big Kahuna · 11-15-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAPPY

Seems like everytime I go to visit some one in Texas it is a party

So you gotta love Texas !!!!

So, Thaaat explains why I get up drinking every morning!

Seakony · 11-15-2004

I wish I had Bumpers talent of finding things in my files. I had an article about how Texas could still be a world power if we succeeded from the union. Since we have our own oil and refineries, Texas National Guard, Texas Rangers (not the ball team) etc... the list went on. If anyone happens to have that info please post it. We were a Republic once, and Sam Houston was correct.

traci · 11-16-2004

I am an 8TH generation TEXAN and my 4 kiddos are 9TH!!

There are not many people anywhere that can claim that!! I can not imagine living anywhere else

.
Oh, and BTW, my 11 yr. old has his own rifle AND shotgun! He's been deer-hunting the last 2 weekends, and has his eye on a buck they have named Mr. Anderson(Alec is Agent Smith-you know? From The Matrix??).
Anyway, TEXAS is the BEST COUNTRY anywhere

Traci

TAPPY · 11-16-2004

More Texas Info

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

Onced and twiced are words. Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.(they do this in Louisiana too)

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

Local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.(Duck season for Louisiana folks)

The first cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good chili weather.

mckinzie · 11-19-2004

Good one Bump.

**sctx** · 11-19-2004

I'll be back w/ comments after the Spurs game

**sctx** · 11-20-2004

Pretty damn accurate Bump except for the most important rule of all for tourists:

Anyone who starts a sentence with "Oh You" will be arrested and put on trial for crimes against the state.

" We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old."... actually this should read "by the time we were 6"... just flip the 9 over upside down.
at 9 years is when you get to purchase YOUR OWN gun and fishing pole, there is a mandatory 3 year training program you must complete first using your father's gun that he purchased when he was 9

11-14-2004	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,245	Rules For Entering Texas Happened to stumble across this buried deeeeeep in my files. Can't imagine why I haven't posted it before now. Given the significant number of Texans who haunt these parts, I just know this will draw some interest and comment. While I was granted the exalted status of "Honourary Texan" quite some time ago, I don't feel it's appropriate that I contribute any further observations on the matter. Rules For Entering Texas Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best! Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas." __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!"

11-15-2004	#2 (permalink)
Softy57 añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Massachusetts,U.S.A. Posts: 1,697	Yee-Haw As a resident of the ridiculously liberal state os Massachusetts, I admire the attributes of Texans. Friendly,down-to -earth, patriotic and un-affraid. My kinda folks!

11-16-2004	#7 (permalink)
traci añejo Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Spring Texas Posts: 2,449	Amen Bump!!! I am an 8TH generation TEXAN and my 4 kiddos are 9TH!! There are not many people anywhere that can claim that!! I can not imagine living anywhere else . Oh, and BTW, my 11 yr. old has his own rifle AND shotgun! He's been deer-hunting the last 2 weekends, and has his eye on a buck they have named Mr. Anderson(Alec is Agent Smith-you know? From The Matrix??). Anyway, TEXAS is the BEST COUNTRY anywhere Traci

11-20-2004	#11 (permalink)
sctx Fan of confusion Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Body in San Marcos Tx....Tankah in my mind Posts: 26,314	Pretty damn accurate Bump except for the most important rule of all for tourists: Anyone who starts a sentence with "Oh You" will be arrested and put on trial for crimes against the state. " We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old."... actually this should read "by the time we were 6"... just flip the 9 over upside down. at 9 years is when you get to purchase YOUR OWN gun and fishing pole, there is a mandatory 3 year training program you must complete first using your father's gun that he purchased when he was 9 Last edited by sctx : 11-20-2004 at 09:23 AM. Reason: not enough coffe yet

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11-15-2004	#3 (permalink)
Big Kahuna añejo Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: In a land far far away Posts: 1,590	I didn't have anything to add to this post. I just wanted to see my countdown timer.

11-15-2004	#4 (permalink)
TAPPY Weeziana peep Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Louisiana Posts: 14,684	Seems like everytime I go to visit some one in Texas it is a party So you gotta love Texas !!!!

11-15-2004	#6 (permalink)
Seakony añejo Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: no longer in Mesquite with nothing to do Posts: 10,146	I wish I had Bumpers talent of finding things in my files. I had an article about how Texas could still be a world power if we succeeded from the union. Since we have our own oil and refineries, Texas National Guard, Texas Rangers (not the ball team) etc... the list went on. If anyone happens to have that info please post it. We were a Republic once, and Sam Houston was correct.

11-16-2004	#8 (permalink)
TAPPY Weeziana peep Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Louisiana Posts: 14,684	More Texas Info Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before. Nothing will kill a mesquite tree. Onced and twiced are words. Coldbeer is one word. People actually grow and eat okra.(they do this in Louisiana too) "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?" Local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football The first day of deer season is a national holiday.(Duck season for Louisiana folks) The first cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good chili weather.

11-19-2004	#9 (permalink)
mckinzie lightweight Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Highland Village,Tx (Kinz Standard Time) Posts: 13,551	Good one Bump.

11-19-2004	#10 (permalink)
sctx Fan of confusion Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Body in San Marcos Tx....Tankah in my mind Posts: 26,314	I'll be back w/ comments after the Spurs game

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