Hunting Season

[Bumper]

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for all us macho, pioneeer, virile, back-to-nature types to haul out our firearms and murder defenceless, cute, innoffensve little furry creatures and harmless feathered friends. There have been a few passing references in other threads to this being hunting season, and I just happen to have a few related items in the files, so I thought I'd drag them out and give them some air. This first one has been posted before, but I figured it could stand an encore in this format.



THE DEER HUNT

1:00 AM - Alarm clock rings
2:00 AM - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 AM - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 AM - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 AM - Return home to pick up gun
3:30 AM - Set up camp. Realize you forgot the damned tent
4:00 AM - Return home for tent. Drive like Hell to get back to woods before daylight
4:30 AM - Set up tent
6:05 AM - Head out for the woods
6:06 AM - See eight deer
6:07 AM - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 AM - CLICK
6:09 AM - Watch deer go over the hill
7:00 AM - Load gun back at camp
7:30 AM - Back to the woods
11:00 AM - Head back to camp
12:00 AM - Hopelessly lost. Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries
12:15 PM - Run out of bullets. Eight deer return
12:20 PM - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 PM - Rescued
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 PM - Arrive back at camp
3:30 PM - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 PM - Load gun. Leave camp again
5:00 PM - Empty gun at squirrel who is bugging you
6:00 PM - Arrive back at camp. See deer grazing beside tent
6:01 PM - Load gun
6:02 PM - Fire gun
6:03 PM - One dead pick-up truck
6:05 PM - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 PM - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 PM - Fall into campfire
6:10 PM - Change clothes. Throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 PM - Take pick-up, leaving hunting partner and his deer in camp.
6:25 PM - Pick-up boils over - hole shot in block
6:26 PM - Start walking
6:30 PM - Stumble and fall. Drop gun in mud
6:35 PM - Meet bear
6:36 PM - Take aim
6:37 PM - Fire gun. Barrel explodes - plugged with mud
6:38 PM - Shit in pants
6:39 PM - Climb tree
9:00 PM - Bear finally leaves. Wrap *%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight - Home at last

[Bumper]

A big city Toronto lawyer went duck hunting in rural Western Canada. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field, on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you’re not welcome on it.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I’m one of the best trial lawyers in all of Canada, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Prairie Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What’s the Prairie Three Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s crotch and dropped him to his knees. His second kick almost wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly in the dirt when the farmer’s third kick to his kidney nearly caused him to pass out in agony. After writhing in pain for some time, the lawyer called upon all his strength and managed to get to his feet, and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

[Bumper]

Regulation for the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

370.01 - Any person with an in-province rodent or snake hunting licence may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreation and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of currency as bait. however, is prohibited.

370.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless the vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest carwash.

370.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or airplane.

370.05 - It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH!”, “AMBULANCE!”, or “FREE SCOTCH!”, for the purpose of baiting attorneys.

370.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys with 100 yards of a BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealership, except on Wednesday afternoons.

370.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys with in 200 yards of country clubs, courtrooms, law libraries, hospitals, health clubs, or brothels.

370.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap, or possess the same.

370.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant, for the purpose of attracting attorneys.

370.10 - Bag and Possession Limits per Day

Yellow-bellied sidewinders - 2
Two-faced tortfeasors - 1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators - 3
Horn-rimmed cut-throats - 2
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags - 4
Honest Attorneys - Protected - Endangered Species (believed extinct)

[Bumper]

And for those really hardy outdoor types who want to enjoy the entire wilderness experience by adding the camping component to their hunting expeditions, we offer the following...

CAMPING HINTS:

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favourite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese may stick between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for sanitary landfill sites.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a dandy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You’ll never be lost as long as you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used in propelling a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to determine if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men, or a pup.

A potato baked on the coals for an hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager in the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide a measure of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting the bears to wear them.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

[Bumper]

Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire

1. Split dead branch into pieces and shave one piece into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other pieces into smaller pieces.

4. Bandage right foot.

5. Make tent-shaped structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

6. Light match.

7. Light match.

8. Repeat “A Scout is cheerful” and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone you out while you were searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene”.

13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns.

14. Re-label can to read “gasoline”.

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 15.

[mckinzie]

I enjoy it all.
Good one Bumper.

[Big Kahuna]

You can really tell it's hunting season when...

[mckinzie]

Big Kahuna,
that was worthy of a pre-spew event.

I need to borrow that one

[TAPPY]

[quote=Bumper]
QUOTE]

Bumper this pic is too funny....