Any Skiers Out There?

**Bumper** · 11-20-2004

Here's a little seasonal something for the mountain people who frequent the forum. That's "mountain" in the alpine sense - like our Colorado contingent, not "mountain" in the hillbilly sense - like...well, we won't go there.

Simulating Skiing

Tore up your knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already razzing you about missing the skiing season? No problem. One needn’t actually ski to experience the true essence of skiing. Just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are thirteen ways to duplicate those skiing thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.

1. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you’d like, order an upset stomach, because that’s most likely what you’ll get anyway.

2. Visit your local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It’s not really skiing, but it’s close.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the resulting frigid spray sandblast your face. You’ll almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snow making gun.

4. Sit under a sunlamp wearing goggles to achieve that chic racoon look.

5. Wear apres ski boots everywhere - even in the shower. For the best effect, get the kind that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.

6. At the nearest hockey arena, walk twenty laps of the ice surface in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, a fully loaded accessory bag, and an assortment of poles. Make believe you’re looking for your car.

7. For ski boot simulation at home, put pebbles in your most uncomfortable street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8. Buy a pair of very expensive gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you the inconvenience of having to lose it later.

9. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

10. Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd that never seems to go in. Do this twelve to eighteen times.

11. To replicate the experience of losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive, toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Wait until dark, then try to find it.

12. To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods...with your eyes closed.

13. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, and ride a motorcycle at a rate of speed sufficient to make the ticket lacerate your face.

While none of these activities is actually skiing, all of them sure feel like it.

**sctx** · 11-21-2004

??? whats all this talk about jackets and gloves and boots ??? doesn't that make swimming back to the boat rather difficult after you take a fall ???

You Canucks are sure strange :p

**Bumper** · 11-21-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by sctx

??? whats all this talk about jackets and gloves and boots ??? doesn't that make swimming back to the boat rather difficult after you take a fall ???

You Canucks are sure strange :p

Not THIS kind of skiing...

THIS kind of skiing...

(Damned Texans never pay attention to anything! Most snow they've ever seen was covered in raspberry syrup and came in a paper cup!)

mckinzie · 11-21-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

(Damned Texans never pay attention to anything! Most snow they've ever seen was covered in raspberry syrup and came in a paper cup!)

We go by a different set of rules here Bumper.

Mostly

lovetheheat · 11-21-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

THIS kind of skiing...

Or this kind...

**sctx** · 11-21-2004

it's not a valid vacation unless there's white sand on the ground

That just looks cooooooooold

Rissask · 11-22-2004

Good one Bumper!

In particular, this one:

Quote:

For ski boot simulation at home, put pebbles in your most uncomfortable street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Is so true.

Ouch!

Thanks for getting me all excited (??

) about our Xmas trip to Fernie, BC!

Nerak936 · 11-24-2004

David got my skis tuned up a few years ago, and they've been gathering dust in my attic since. We haven't been skiing together yet!! Maybe after I get him on rollerblades....

PolarBare1 · 12-18-2004

Right on Bumper, but...you may have underexaggerated somewhat...have you ever tried to get a $3.50 hamburger in Aspen or Vail

...Good luck!!

From part of your Colorado contingent.

**Bumper** · 12-18-2004

Since it appears there may actually be some skiers hanging about, I offer the following for your enlightenment:

SKIER’S DICTIONARY

Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however, as the two bones in the middle ear have never been known to be broken during skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It’s good exercise and doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or line ups. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross -Country Something-Or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes:
1. Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
2. Sit on the outside of a fourth storey window ledge with your skis on, and your poles in your lap, for at least 30 minutes.
3. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness from within to escape.

Gravity:
One of the four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force - which makes bindings jam; the weak force - which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism - which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots.

Inertia:
Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law Of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
1. Two objects of different mass, falling side by side, will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home-care expenses.
2. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in the known universe.
3. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object...see Tree

Pre-jump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans, or simple colourful profanity.

Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the throbbing ache from the wrenched knee ends. to where the excruciating agony from the sprained ankle begins.

Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!”, which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose bumps; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Am I nuts, or what?”

Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
The other method.

11-20-2004	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 10,586	Any Skiers Out There? Here's a little seasonal something for the mountain people who frequent the forum. That's "mountain" in the alpine sense - like our Colorado contingent, not "mountain" in the hillbilly sense - like...well, we won't go there. Simulating Skiing Tore up your knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already razzing you about missing the skiing season? No problem. One needn’t actually ski to experience the true essence of skiing. Just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are thirteen ways to duplicate those skiing thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone. 1. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you’d like, order an upset stomach, because that’s most likely what you’ll get anyway. 2. Visit your local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It’s not really skiing, but it’s close. 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the resulting frigid spray sandblast your face. You’ll almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snow making gun. 4. Sit under a sunlamp wearing goggles to achieve that chic racoon look. 5. Wear apres ski boots everywhere - even in the shower. For the best effect, get the kind that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves. 6. At the nearest hockey arena, walk twenty laps of the ice surface in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, a fully loaded accessory bag, and an assortment of poles. Make believe you’re looking for your car. 7. For ski boot simulation at home, put pebbles in your most uncomfortable street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 8. Buy a pair of very expensive gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you the inconvenience of having to lose it later. 9. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. 10. Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd that never seems to go in. Do this twelve to eighteen times. 11. To replicate the experience of losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive, toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Wait until dark, then try to find it. 12. To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods...with your eyes closed. 13. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, and ride a motorcycle at a rate of speed sufficient to make the ticket lacerate your face. While none of these activities is actually skiing, all of them sure feel like it. __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!" Last edited by Bumper; 11-20-2004 at 09:05 PM..

12-18-2004	#9 (permalink)
PolarBare1 way into it Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Castle Rock (Denver area), Colorado Posts: 157	Sooo true!! Right on Bumper, but...you may have underexaggerated somewhat...have you ever tried to get a $3.50 hamburger in Aspen or Vail ...Good luck!! From part of your Colorado contingent.

register to remove these adverts
Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

11-21-2004	#2 (permalink)
sctx Reality Skeptic Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Body in San Marcos Tx....Tankah in my mind Posts: 29,279	??? whats all this talk about jackets and gloves and boots ??? doesn't that make swimming back to the boat rather difficult after you take a fall ??? You Canucks are sure strange :p

11-21-2004	#6 (permalink)
sctx Reality Skeptic Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Body in San Marcos Tx....Tankah in my mind Posts: 29,279	it's not a valid vacation unless there's white sand on the ground That just looks cooooooooold

11-24-2004	#8 (permalink)
Nerak936 añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 18,888	David got my skis tuned up a few years ago, and they've been gathering dust in my attic since. We haven't been skiing together yet!! Maybe after I get him on rollerblades....

12-18-2004	#10 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 10,586	Since it appears there may actually be some skiers hanging about, I offer the following for your enlightenment: SKIER’S DICTIONARY Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European. Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however, as the two bones in the middle ear have never been known to be broken during skiing. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It’s good exercise and doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or line ups. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross -Country Something-Or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: 1. Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs. 2. Sit on the outside of a fourth storey window ledge with your skis on, and your poles in your lap, for at least 30 minutes. 3. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness from within to escape. Gravity: One of the four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force - which makes bindings jam; the weak force - which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism - which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law Of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: 1. Two objects of different mass, falling side by side, will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home-care expenses. 2. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in the known universe. 3. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object...see Tree Pre-jump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans, or simple colourful profanity. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the throbbing ache from the wrenched knee ends. to where the excruciating agony from the sprained ankle begins. Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!”, which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose bumps; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Am I nuts, or what?” Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.