12 Days of Christmas

**Bumper** · 12-03-2004

Ms. Agnes McHolstein
46 Cash Ave.
Winnipeg, Mb.

December 14
Dearest John;

I went to the door this morning to discover the postman had delivered a “Partridge In a Pear Tree”. What a thoroughly delightful gift!! I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes

December 15
Dearest John

Today the post man brought your sweet gift. Just imagine...2 turtle doves. I’m delighted at your thoughtful present. They are just adorable. All my love,
Agnes

December 16
Dear John

Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one? Now, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity...3 french hens! They really are darling, but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
Love,
Agnes

December 17
Dear John

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really....they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18
Dearest John

What a surprise...today the postman delivered 5 golden rings...one for every finger. You are just impossible, but I LOVE IT. Frankly, all the squawking from the birds is starting to get on my nerves.
Love,
Agnes

December 19
Dear John

When I opened my door this morning, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I’m having trouble sleeping through the racket. Please stop with the Goddamn livestock!!
Cordially,
Agnes

December 20
John

What’s with you and these freakin’ birds?? 7 Swans-a-swimming. What kind of Goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and the noise never stops. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! So stop with the freakin’ birds.....OKAY??
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21
OK Buster!!!

I think I prefer the birds. What the Hell am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking?? It’s not enough with all the birds and milkmaids, but they had to bring their Goddamn cows. There’s shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. LAY OFF, A**HOLE!!
Agnes

December 22
Hey Shithead...

What are you...some kind of sadist?? Now there’s 9 pipers piping, and do they play crap!! They haven’t stopped chasing those milkmaids since they got here this morning. The cows are getting upset and stomping all over the screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have gotten up a petition to have me evicted.
You’ll get yours...
Agnes

December 23
You Rotten Jerk

Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts “ladies”, they’ve been humping the pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep, and furthermore, they all have diarrhea. My livingroom is a RIVER OF SHIT!! The Board of Health has subpoenaed me to appear before them and show cause why the building should not be condemned as an environmental health hazard. I’ve sworn out a warrant, and the police are after you.
One Who Means It,
Agnes

December 24
LISTEN DICKHEAD!!!!

What’s with the 11 lords-a-leaping?? And leaping is definitely what they’re doing...all over the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will NEVER walk again. Those horny pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy on the poor cows. All 23 birds are dead, trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, lousy. moth-eaten, pig-porkin’ moron. You are a vicious swine....
Your Sworn Enemy,
Agnes

December 25
Dear Sir;

This is to acknowledge the latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Agnes McHolstein. The result was predictable. A complete and total breakdown. Any future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms. McHolstein at her new residence, the Happy Vale Sanitorium, the staff have been instructed to take whatever measures are necessary to insure her security, up to and including deadly force. With this letter, please find attached a copy of the restraining order issued against you today in Provincial Court Of Queen’s Bench.

Squat & Leavitt
Attorneys at Law

Beachnutt719 · 12-04-2004

Where do you come up with this stuff Bumper? That is a riot!

12-03-2004	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,113	12 Days of Christmas Ms. Agnes McHolstein 46 Cash Ave. Winnipeg, Mb. December 14 Dearest John; I went to the door this morning to discover the postman had delivered a “Partridge In a Pear Tree”. What a thoroughly delightful gift!! I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15 Dearest John Today the post man brought your sweet gift. Just imagine...2 turtle doves. I’m delighted at your thoughtful present. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16 Dear John Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one? Now, I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity...3 french hens! They really are darling, but I must insist, you’ve been too kind. Love, Agnes December 17 Dear John Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really....they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18 Dearest John What a surprise...today the postman delivered 5 golden rings...one for every finger. You are just impossible, but I LOVE IT. Frankly, all the squawking from the birds is starting to get on my nerves. Love, Agnes December 19 Dear John When I opened my door this morning, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I’m having trouble sleeping through the racket. Please stop with the Goddamn livestock!! Cordially, Agnes December 20 John What’s with you and these freakin’ birds?? 7 Swans-a-swimming. What kind of Goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and the noise never stops. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! So stop with the freakin’ birds.....OKAY?? Sincerely, Agnes December 21 OK Buster!!! I think I prefer the birds. What the Hell am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking?? It’s not enough with all the birds and milkmaids, but they had to bring their Goddamn cows. There’s shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. LAY OFF, AHOLE!! Agnes December 22 Hey Shithead... What are you...some kind of sadist?? Now there’s 9 pipers piping, and do they play crap!! They haven’t stopped chasing those milkmaids since they got here this morning. The cows are getting upset and stomping all over the screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have gotten up a petition to have me evicted. You’ll get yours... Agnes December 23 You Rotten Jerk Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts “ladies”, they’ve been humping the pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep, and furthermore, they all have diarrhea. My livingroom is a RIVER OF SHIT!! The Board of Health has subpoenaed me to appear before them and show cause why the building should not be condemned as an environmental health hazard. I’ve sworn out a warrant, and the police are after you. One Who Means It, Agnes December 24 LISTEN DICKHEAD!!!! What’s with the 11 lords-a-leaping?? And leaping is definitely what they’re doing...all over the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will NEVER walk again. Those horny pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy on the poor cows. All 23 birds are dead, trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, lousy. moth-eaten, pig-porkin’ moron. You are a vicious swine.... Your Sworn Enemy, Agnes December 25 Dear Sir; This is to acknowledge the latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Agnes McHolstein. The result was predictable. A complete and total breakdown. Any future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms. McHolstein at her new residence, the Happy Vale Sanitorium, the staff have been instructed to take whatever measures are necessary to insure her security, up to and including deadly force. With this letter, please find attached a copy of the restraining order issued against you today in Provincial Court Of Queen’s Bench. Squat & Leavitt Attorneys at Law __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!"**

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search

12-04-2004	#2 (permalink)
Beachnutt719 añejo Join Date: May 2004 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 3,971	Where do you come up with this stuff Bumper? That is a riot!

register to remove these adverts