Christmas Help Wanted

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HOLIDAY ASSISTANT NEEDED

Pay Rate: $13.05 per hour, plus shift differential

Filing deadline: 12/23/2004

Notes: Selected candidate must be available for international travel, holiday and night work, be physically able to lift heavy packages over shoulder, and possess a sleigh to perform work assignments.

Duties: Make a list and check it twice. Identify and deliver packages to appropriate recipients by way of reindeer powered airborne conveyance. Supervise 100 unruly elves in the production of requested giftware items. Maintain and disperse holiday spirit in the face of inclement weather and physical demands of piloting reindeer sleigh over thousands of miles to service four billion people in sixteen hour work day.

Requirements: Ability to determine who’s naughty and nice, sleeping and waking, bad or good, for goodness sake. Skill to establish co-operative working relationship with elves and gnomes. Knowledge of proper diet and training required for flying reindeer. Ability to consume approximately one billion cups of lukewarm milk/cocoa and huge amounts of stale, leftover cookies. Talent for deciphering correspondence written in crayon. Facility for maneuvering down chimneys or other available means of household entry. Skill in “Ho-Ho-Hoing”, while shaking belly.

Desirable: Heavy white facial hair growth, and rosy red cheeks.