Christmas Downsizing

[Bumper]

A Christmas Memo

The recent announcement that Donder and Blitzen have elected to accept early reindeer retirement packages has triggered considerable concern about whether or not they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions being made at the North Pole.

Streamlining was considered appropriate, in view of the emerging reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasonal gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, E-bay, on-line purchasing, and mail order catalogues have dramatically diminished Santa’s market share, and he cannot afford to sit idly by and permit further erosion of the bottom line.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible by the acquisition of a late-model Japanese sleigh to be used by the CEO during his annual trip. Improved productivity is anticipated from Dasher and Dancer, who attended an accelerated summer program at the Harvard Business School, and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service levels. The reduction in the complement of reindeer will also diminish airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will remain unchanged. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible terms, the earlier reports that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph, “A lush who was into the sauce and never really did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment , made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under severe seasonal stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented by the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy which is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

3) The three french hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.

6) The six geese-a-laying represent a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources Department will insure management that, in future, every goose it gets will be a good one.

7) The seven swans-a-swimming was obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement potential.

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Rights Administration. A more equitable male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this to be a dead-end job, with little or no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been seen as an odd number. This function will be phased out as the individuals involved grow older and can no longer accomplish the required steps.

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the escalating expense of international air travel, has prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Members of Parliament. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant, as there is an oversupply of unemployed MP’s since the last election.

11) Eleven pipers piping, and twelve drummers drumming, is simply a case of the band getting too big. Movement to a string quartet, a cutback on new music arrangements, and no uniforms, will produce significant savings which will drop right to the bottom line.


Overall, these moves will produce a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and related expenses. Further, though the data is as yet incomplete, preliminary indications are that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can move to a program of drop shipping in one day, service levels would improve dramatically.

Regarding the legal action filed by the bar association seeking their inclusion of the legal profession in this program (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be required in the future to remain competitive. Should that necessity arise, the Board of Directors will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if the current staffing level of seven dwarfs is appropriate.

[TAPPY]

I am sure some of you have seen this one before !!!! (I cant tell you how close to the truth it really is....)

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23,starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we’re calling it our "Holiday Party"
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians, or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family
Patty.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of A-A requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn’t sign your name.
I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from he dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though We will have booster seats and fruits as dessert for Diabetics.
The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!!
We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party, and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!

[pmb]

Bumper and Tappy ---- these are great. Thanks.