12-17-2004
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#3 (permalink) |
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Class Clown
  Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Winnipeg, Canada
Posts: 10,079
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Mrs. B says yes. But then, despite their omnipotence, the ladies can never aspire to the following...
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD... Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you”. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time.” would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager flavours. You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood U. Blowme”. Each year, your salary increase would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in your office would get to be CEO. “Sorry I’m late, but I really got wasted last night”, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the work day, a whistle would blow, and you’d jump out your window, and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus, right into your car. It would be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby village. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance. Tanks would be easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of “beer belly”, you’d get “beer biceps”. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th, so it only occurred every four years. The television show “Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advise to the pursuing cops...or to the crooks. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re # 1". On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Also Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Secretary’s Day, Arbour Day, and Grandparent’s Day. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge, for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in broadcasting history. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the next day, undamaged, and with a full gas tank. Every man would get four “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards each year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every wise-ass answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?” You: “Why are you asking me, asshole? You’re the one with the Goddamn radar.” Cop: “Oh, good one! That’s ten bucks off.” The Statue Of Liberty would get a bright red, 40 foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style, Telephones would automatically cut off after thirty seconds of conversation.
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 Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!" |
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12-17-2004
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#4 (permalink) | |
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añejo
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 18,764
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Quote:
 I think it's entirely wrong that you'd even think to post something like this, James A.!!!  
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12-17-2004
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#11 (permalink) |
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Class Clown
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Winnipeg, Canada
Posts: 10,079
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I knowI posted this once before, quite some time ago in another thread, but given the direction this has taken, it seems appropriate.
Women Are Always Right 1. The female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the female suspects a male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is due to some misunderstanding which is the direct result of something the male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female may change her mind at any time. 9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must not let the male know, under any circumstances, whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The male is expected to read the female’s mind at all times. 14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the female is afflicted with PMS, all The Rules are null and void. 17. The female is ready when she is ready 18. The male must be ready at all times. |
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12-17-2004
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#14 (permalink) | ||||
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añejo
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 18,764
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