Personality Test

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Personality Test

AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, we are presenting in this space the Abbreviated Delaware Standard Psychological Test. The pressures, frustrations, and emotional instabilities which drive people to commit wanton acts of violence, even mass murder, are shrouded in the impenetrable mysteries of the chemistry of the brain, but extensive research has made it
possible in many cases to identify individuals with a potential psychopathic personality before their latent psychoses erupt into episodes of uncontrollable blood-lust. The ADSPT is by no means perfect, but it can at least give a "storm-warning." We urge all readers to take it, and then, if the easy-to-tabulate results indicate the presence of possible mental disequilibrium, to seek qualified professional help.

DIRECTIONS: Complete the following sentences with the word or phrase that best suits your personality. Even if none of the alternatives seem entirely satisfactory, you must choose one!

1. I would most like to be:
a) a male nurse
b) an interior decorator
c) a dressmaker
d) a butcher

2. If someone asked me what I thought of a lamp they had bought, I would say it was:
a) darling
b) just the cutest thing
c) too, too sweet
d) good for hitting people over the head with

3. Of the following sports, my favourite is:
a) maypole dancing
b) leap frog
c) hoop spinning
d) Australian rules football

4. Of the following foods, the one I prefer is:
a) ladyfingers
b) truffles
c) tiny little tea cakes
d) good red meat

5. Of the following words, I would be most likely to use:
a) faience
b) chiaroscuro
c) andante
d) thud

6. If I had to choose among these books, I would read:
a) Ten Steps to a More Satisfying Homosexual Life
b) A Layman's Guide to Unnatural Love
c) Faggot! Confessions of a Homosexual
d) Pork Chop Hill

7. When I see a gun, I think:
a) how much fun it would be to sit on it
b) how much fun it would be to kill someone with it

DIRECTIONS: Choose the statement which most expresses your feelings. Even if neither statement is entirely satisfactory, you must choose one!

8. a) I like to suck things.
b) I like to kill things.

9. a) When I go to parties, I like to be ignored and made fun of.
b) I would like to maim a woodland animal.

10. a) Sentimentality makes me puke.
b) I like the sight of blood.

11. a) I would like to stay home and fiddle with sachets.
b) I would like to go out on the town with the boys and get into a brawl.

12. a) Sometimes I feel like the top of my head is going to fly off.
b) Sentimentality makes me puke

13. a) I like the sight of blood.
b) The sight of pus isn't half bad either.

To determine whether you have antisocial tendencies and suffer from the "Involuntary Violence Syndrome" give yourself 5 points for each one of the symbolic hostility answers listed below.

Questions 1-6: d) answers indicate hostility
Questions 7-13: b) answers indicate hostility
Questions 10,12,13: a) answers indicate hostility

50-65 points: You are a psychopath. Have a friend or loved one strap you to a bed or chair IMMEDIATELY! Don't hurt them, they're only trying to help. Put down that knife.

15-30 points: You are gay. The only psychopaths you have to worry about are The Pink Panthers and the person who is about to knock on your door. Shhh... listen. He'll be here any moment now.

35-45 points: You are a gay psychopath. Yes, the only things the ADSPT can test for are homosexuality and psychopathy. It has been pointed out to us that this may be a problem. We're working on it, okay?

0-10 points: Nobody likes a liar. Especially psychopaths. Your life expectancy is less than one of Paula Poundstone’s kids.