Job Hunting Tips

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From time to time, we get posters coming to the forum, making inquires as to finding a job in Playa, in hopes of moving there on a permanent basis. In an effort to assist these hopefuls with their search for employment, perhaps the following hints might prove useful.

Job Hunting Tips


Today’s job market is more competitive than ever. Here are some tips that may well help give you an edge.

• Make sure your resume is free of spelling and grammatical errors, grease stains, crumbs, blood spatters, and bits of hair and gristle.

• Be aggressive: Don’t be afraid to call every few hours and say, “Is there an opening yet? How ‘bout now? How ‘bout now? Now?”

• When waiting for a job interview and a fellow applicant is there, strike up a conversation. Then, when it’s your turn to be interviewed, stand up and say, “See ya, sicko.” Explain to the interviewer that the other hopeful had just been inviting you to a goat-sex orgy.

• If you find the “Notable Achievements” part of your resume lacking, consider listing the longest rat-tail you’ve ever grown.

• Avoid borrowing liberally from the plots of Tom Clancy and John LeCarre novels when describing previous job experiences.

• If you attended Harvard, Yale, or another prestigious Ivy League institution, don’t bother noting this on your resume, or even creating a resume at all. Just have one of the other pretentious assholes from your elitist school get you a job.

• Be sure to pronounce resume “REH-zoo-may,” which means “a list of one’s accomplishments and qualifications,” and not like the word “resume,” which means “to unpause Brooks & Dunn 4.”

• After providing a contact number for your “former employer at Merrill Lynch,” be sure to change the message on your answering machine to say, “Hi, this is Merrill Lynch, we’re not in right now.”

• If, during an interview, you sense that they have detected one or more of the falsehoods in your resume, throw a smoke bomb on the floor and escape in the ensuing confusion.

• When a job application asks you to indicate “Reason You Left Previous Position," make it clear you were not at fault. Write, “Boss was a total Nazi.”

• Have a long history of progressive experience in the field you’re applying for and glowing recommendations and references. Either that, or print your resume on really nice, heavyweight ivory linen paper.

• Being state archery champion is impressive, indeed. But McDonalds is more interested in knowing if you’re intelligent enough to avoid deep-frying your hands.

• Post your resume on-line. This will give it the air of authority and legitimacy only the Internet can confer.

• When writing a covering letter to a prospective employer, stress that, although you used to admire their company, they totally suck now, but that if they hire you, you can help make them great again. That will definitely get you the inside track.

• Don’t be afraid to list “Alcatraz Correctional Facility” on your resume. They could think maybe you worked there or something.