Business related stuff!!

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Boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! A walk through the files stirred up some dust and when it had all settled, I came across yet another stack of yellowing documents from those days when I was gainfully employed in the corporate world. Thought I might share some of them with you in the hopes that they might prove useful...or at the very least, amusing.

WORDS FOR 2005 AND BEYOND

ADMINISPHERE - The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to address.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss, rather than through hard work.

BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech patterns in mid-sentence.

BLAMESTORMING- Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

BRAIN FART - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?”

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used amongst microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. For example, trashing your boss while they are within earshot is considered a CLM.

COBWEB SITE - A World Wide Web site that hasn’t been updated in a long time. A dead web page.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles

DEAD TREE EDITION - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in “The dead tree edition of The San Francisco Chronicle”

DILBERTED- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-Hell comic strip character. “I’ve been Dilberted again. The old man changed the specs for the fourth time this week.”

DORITO SYNDROME - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the web, and now I’ve got a major case of Dorito Snydrome.”

EGO SURFING - Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.

ELVIS YEAR - The peak year of someone’s popularity - Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993.

404 - Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning the requested document cannot be located. “He’s a decent enough guy, but strictly 404.”

GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and housing subdivisions.

GLAZING - Corporate-speak for napping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice half the room was glazing by the second session?”

GOING POSTAL - Condition of being totally stressed out, for losing it altogether. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

GRAY MATTER - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable, established, and legitimate.

GRAYBAR LAND - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer thgat’s processing something very slowly (While you watch the gray bar creep slowly across the screen) “I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD download.”

IDEA HAMSTERS - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment events and media spectacles that you find annoying but find yourself unable to stop watching them. The OJ trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton’s Grand Jury testimony was another.

IT’S A FEATURE - From the adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by “aluminum rain”.

MOUSE POTATO - The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made an enormous mistake.

OPEN -COLLAR WORKERS - People who work at home or telecommute.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of some electronic device in order to get it working again.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

SEAGULL MANAGER - An executive who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything, and then leaves.

SITCOM - Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?”

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT - An ATM card or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from excessive use.

TOURISTS- Those who take training courses just to get time off from their jobs - “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.”

UMFRIEND - A sexual relationship of dubious standing. As in, “This is um...Phillip”.

UNDER MOUSE ARREST - Getting busted for violating an on-line service provider’s rules of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner. AOL had me under mouse arrest.”

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys on a computer keyboard to complete certain functions. For instance, rebooting a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return key, and the Power On key. For Windows, it’s Ctrl, Alt, Delete simultaneously.

WORLD WIDE WAIT - The real meaning of WWW.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for stealing free photocopies from one’s workplace.



Definitions

In an ever increasingly complex and technological world, we find ourselves striving more and more to perfect our methods of communication and to establish concise, definitive language. The following is a short list of some examples of the new terminology which may prove beneficial in helping you decipher the verbal barrage which assaults us all in today’s corporate environment.

ACTIVATE - To make copies and add more names to a memo’s circulation list.
ADVANCED DESIGN - Beyond the understanding of the advertising department.
“ALL NEW” - Parts not interchangeable with existing models.
AUTOMATIC - Any piece of equipment you cannot fix yourself.
CHANNELS - The trails left by inter-office memos.
CLARIFICATION - To fill in the background with so much detail that the foreground goes underground.
COMPROMISE - A decision which is made that costs more than either of the alternatives it is intended to reconcile.
CONFERENCE - A gathering where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labour and the loneliness of thought.
CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM - Anything you don’t have time to photocopy for the entire office.
CO-ORDINATOR - The person in the desk between two expediters. (See Expedite)
CONSULTANT - Any ordinary person with a briefcase, more than fifty miles from home.
CREDIT - That necessity of business which you can’t get unless you can demonstrate you don’t need it.
“DEVELOPED AFTER YEARS OF EXTENSIVE RESEARCH” - Discovered by accident.
EXPEDITE - To confound confusion with commotion.
EXPERT - Any person who makes three consecutive correct guesses.
“FORWARDED FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION” - You hold the bag for a while.
FUDGE FACTOR - The numerical value by which computer results must be multiplied to yield the figures in your forecast.
GIVE SOMEONE THE BIG PICTURE - An unnecessarily long, confusing, and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.
“GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR PRESENT THINKING” - We’ll listen to what you have to say, as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already decided to do.
HEAVY DUTY - Anything that doesn’t break when you drop it.
IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM - Hire more people and expand the office.
IN CONFERENCE - Nobody can find him / her.
IN DUE COURSE - Never.
INDUSTRIALLY UNDERDEVELOPED COUNTRY - A place where it is not safe to drink the water, as opposed to an INDUSTRIALLY DEVELOPED COUNTRY, where it is not safe to breathe the air.
IN PROCESS - So thoroughly wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
“LET’S GET TOGETHER ON THIS” - I’m assuming you’re just as confused as I am.
NEGOTIATE - To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.
POLICY - Something to hide behind.
PROGRAM - Any assignment which can’t be completed with one phone call.
READ AND INITIAL - Let’s spread the responsibility for this around a little.
RELIABLE SOURCE - The guy you just met. (Not to be confused with an “Informed Source” which is the guy who told the guy you just met)
RE-ORIENTATION - Getting used to working again after a vacation, or in the case of sales people, after a coffee break.
RESEARCH - Reading two books which have never before been read, in order to write a third book, which will never be read.
SALES MEETING - That process whereby the information in the notes of the sales manager is transferred to the notes of the sales staff without passing through the minds of either.
“SEE ME ON THIS” - Come to my office. I’m lonely.
STATISTICS - A highly logical and precise method of saying half truths inaccurately.
TELEPHONE - A communication device which sits idle on your desk for days until you leave your office and walk to the other end of the building.
UNDER CONSIDERATION - Never heard of it.
UNDER ACTIVE CONSIDERATION - We’re looking for it in the files.
“WE ARE GATHERING PERTINENT DATA” - We need more time to think of an answer.
“WILL ADVISE IN DUE COURSE” - We’ll let you know if we figure out what the Hell this is.
“WILL LOOK INTO IT” - By the time the wheel makes a full circle, we assume you will have forgotten about this.