Curriculum Vitae Tips

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Curriculum Vitae Tips

The following was published in the New York Times. This is a New York University admissions application essay question, and an actual answer as written by an applicant.

Question 3a - In order for our admissions staff to get to know you - the applicant - better, we ask that you answer the following question:

“Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?”

The response:

I am a dynamic individual, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice with my bare hands. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and Godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed. I can cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and a bandit in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Delta from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello. I was once scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge, for economically disadvantaged immigrant families. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Fashion critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a very private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have won me acclaim in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield, all in one day, and still had time to wallpaper a formal dining room in the evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week, and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I prance, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a small Mouli-grater and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.


He was accepted.