Pet Stuff

[Bumper]

Given the number of cat and dog people who frequent this forum (including Mrs. B and I), and a long lost file that just surfaced in my archives (Boy! have I got pet material!), I figured I'd sweep out the corners a bit and unload some of the surplus here.

Cat Humour & Quotations

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you later.
Cats are delicate creatures and they are subject to a great many ailments, but I have yet to hear of one who suffered from insomnia.
People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
Heaven will not Heaven ever be, unless my cats are there to welcome me.
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
The cat has too much spirit to have no soul.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Time spent with cats is never wasted.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.
Cats seem to proceed on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
Cats aren’t particularly clean. They’re just covered with cat spit.

How to Bathe a Cat

Dear Cat Owner;

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the water in the toilet. Lift both the lid and the seat.
3. Pick up the cat and soothe it, as you transport it towards the bathroom.
4. In one fluid motion, deposit the unsuspecting cat in the toilet, closing the lid. You may have to stand on the lid to prevent the cat’s escape. CAUTION: Avoid getting any part of your body near the toilet bowl, as the cat’s paws will be reaching out to grab anything it can find. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds to complete the washing process. Ignore the noises emanating from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this procedure.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse”, which has been found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and insure there are no people between the toilet and this outside door.
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as possible, and lift the lid.
8. The now clean cat will burst out of the toilet and rocket outside, where it will dry itself by tearing frantically around the yard.

Sincerely;
The Dog

New Dog Cross Breeds

The American Kennel Club now recognizes the following new breeds of dogs:

Collie & Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Pointer & Setter - Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Pyrennes & Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekinese & Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel & English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever & Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier & Bulldog - Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound & Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute & Pointer - Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Collie & Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound & Terrier - Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.
Bull Terrier & Shit zu - Oh, never mind...

Dog Quotes

“If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.”
“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
“In dog years, I’m dead.”
“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.”
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverence, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.”
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless it is absolutely certain it can hold its own in the conversation.”
“Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth.”
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to ninety-nine cents a can. That’s almost seven bucks, in dog money.”
“If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is certain that most dogs I have known will go to Heaven, and very, very few humans.”
“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.”
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
“Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.”
“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him, and a cat that will ignore him.”
“Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories.”
“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
“Cats motto - No matter what you’ve done wrong, make it look like the dog did it.”
“There is no psycho-therapy in the world better than a puppy licking your face.”
“Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.”
“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”
“Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
“He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.”
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principle difference between a dog and a man.”
“Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.”
“I’ve seen a look in dog’s eyes, a quick vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”



A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in their window, stating the following:

“Help Wanted. Must be able to type. Must be good with a computer, and MUST be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign in the window, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist called the office manager to her desk. The office manager looked at the dog applying for the position and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager invited him into his office.

Inside, the dog jumped up onto a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, trotted over to a typewriter, and proceeded to type a perfect letter. He removed the pages and delivered them to the manager, and jumped back into the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, “The sign also says you have to have good computer skills.”

The dog got down from his chair once more and crossed to the computer on a nearby desk. He wrote, entered, and de-bugged a complicated payroll program, which executed flawlessly on the first attempt. By this time, the office manager was totally dumbfounded at the dog’s obvious skills. He looked at the dog and said, “I realize you are indeed a very unusual and intelligent dog, and have some interesting and impressive abilities . However, I still can’t offer you this position.” The dog jumped down from the chair, went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence indicating that the company was an “Equal Opportunity Employer”. The office manager said, “Yes, but the sign also indicates that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

Originally Posted by Bumper

4. In one fluid motion, deposit the unsuspecting cat in the toilet, closing the lid. You may have to stand on the lid to prevent the cat’s escape. CAUTION: Avoid getting any part of your body near the toilet bowl, as the cat’s paws will be reaching out to grab anything it can find. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds to complete the washing process. Ignore the noises emanating from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this procedure.”

Bumper you're sooo funny. However my cat's in shock. He knows full well that the toilest is for peeing, the washbasin is for washing, and the bath plug hole is for no. 2's.

[pmb]

“I’ve seen a look in dog’s eyes, a quick vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”


I can relate to this one - my dogs always look at me this way -- but then again so does everyone!

Bumper --- these were great. Thanks, once again, for all the laughter you add to our lives.

[Rixx]

Mr B, you hit the nail on the head with the cats.

THANK YOU!!!

Rixx

[BonnyW]

I have a cat that resembles those remarks...His 'meow' is so cute or annoying (depending on what he wants) that he has the whole family jumping up to give him whatever he asks for. Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the 'pet.'