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MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church


VATICAN CITY (AP) - At a joint press conference in St.Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced the Redmond, Washington software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has secured a controlling position in a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope Benedict XVI will become the Senior Vice-President of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT Senior Vice-Presidents Michael Maples and Steven Balmer will be invested into the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

“We anticipate a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion more accessible and more fun for a broader segment of the population.”

Through the MICROSOFT Divinity Network, the company’s new on-line service, “We will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time, and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences,” said Gates. “You’ll be able to get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in Purgatory - all without leaving your home.”

A newly-developed software application, MICROSOFT Church, comes complete with a Latin-based macrolanguage, which you will be able to program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St. Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot Jumbotron screen as comedian Don Novello - in character as his popular “Saturday Night Live” personna, Father Guido Sarducci - hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to over seven hundred outlets worldwide.

Pope Benedict XVI said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,” the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed somewhat strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to The Bible and the Vatican’s priceless art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff opposition if it attempts to limit competitor’s access to these key intellectual properties.

“The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea - we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.”

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms. Under these agreements, all subjects were instilled into Catholicism, whether or not they had any intention of making use of the product. Today, Christianity is available from any number of faiths, though the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is “To reach out to all four corners of the Earth” echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of “A computer on every desktop and in every home.”

Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all denominations through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired - “One religion, with numerous diverse implementations,” said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peterson, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive parochial market.

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“Star Trek Lost Episodes” - Transcript

Picard: “Mr. Laforge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg defenses? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”

Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology.” Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled: “What the Hell is a ‘Microsoft’?”

Data turns to respond: “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

Picard: “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

Data: “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of available resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually, all of their processing ability will be depleted and none will be accessible for their normal operational functions.”

Picard: “Excellent work. This is even better than the ‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

15 Minutes Later....

Data: “Captain, we have successfully installed ‘Windows’ in the Borg command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of their computing resources. We, however, have not yet received any confirmation of the anticipated ’upgrade’.”

Geordi: “Our scanners have detected an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we have no indication of an ‘upgrade’ to counteract their augmentation.”

Picard: “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we’ve missed.”

Data: “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure of the ‘upgrade’ materializing. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by declining to send in their owner’s registration cards.”

Riker: “We have no choice, Captain. Request permission to implement emergency escape sequence 3F...”

Geordi, excited: “Wait, Captain, I’ve just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%”

Picard: “Data, what do your scanners show?”

Data: “Apparently, the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ game module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up their entire CPU capacity.”

Picard: “Let’s see how long this ‘Solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”

Two Hours Pass...

Riker: “Geordi, what’s the status of the Borg?”

Geordi: “As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer their systems to compensate for the increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep-space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from something called the ‘Microsoft Fun-Pack’.”

Picard: “How much time will that buy us?”

Data: “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of six more hours.”

Geordi: “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

Picard: “Identify.”

Data: “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo.”

Over the speakers: “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF THE USE UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID LITIGATION. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Data: “The alien ship has opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”

Picard: “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.”

Riker: “Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship, and they’re not wearing any life-support suits. How can they survive deep space?!

Data: “I do not believe those are humans, sir. If you will look more closely, I believe you will notice they are all carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.”

Riker and Picard together, horrified: “Lawyers!!”

Geordi: “It can’t be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017, during The Great Awakening.”

Data: “Historically accurate, but evidently some must have survived to reproduce.”

Riker: “They’ve surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper.”

Data: “I believe that is what is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red tape’. It often proved fatal.”

Riker: “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”

Picard: “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that.”