Bumper's hints for living

[Bumper]

Keep the seat next to you on the bus vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Make bath time as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, and a dog turd into the tub.

People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty “Toblerone” chocolate bar box when attending interviews for office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you wish to find something more meaningful to do with your life now that you’ve made your fortune.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out all the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

When reading a book, tear out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

A teaspoon, placed in an empty glass in the back seat of your car, makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

Bus drivers - Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling down the aisle of the bus chatting casually with the passengers.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.

Drill a one inch diameter hole in the door of your refrigerator. That way you can tell if the light goes off when the door is closed.

Save gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.

Bomb disposal expert’s wives - Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunch box with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your home and wearing a miner’s hat.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I’ve found the resulting food poisoning enabled me to lose twelve pounds in only two days.

When throwing someone a sharp instrument, like a kitchen knife, always throw it blade first, as they invariably tend to turn while in the air.

Avoid being wheel clamped when illegally parked by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.

Smell gas? Locate the leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

Taxi drivers - Why not pop into a service station and ask them to fix your turn signals so that other motorists might gain some insight into where the Hell you’re going.

Old contact lenses make ideal “portholes” for small model boats.

Extend the life of your carpets by rolling them up and storing them in your garage.

Senior citizens - Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias the next time you go for a drive in your car. In that way perhaps you’ll be able to see out of the front window.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers on the “fast wipe” setting whenever you leave your vehicle illegally parked.

Take your garbage can with you to the supermarket so that you can tell which items you have recently used up.

Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully counting your change and holding bills up to the light before accepting them.

Save on charitable donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a thrift shop, then selling them for fifty cents to another thrift shop. This way, you can give twice as much, at half the cost...I think??

Expensive hair mousse is a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red clippings will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet, unless you have a red bathroom carpet, in which case a contrasting nail polish should be used.

[Jesus]

Instead of the marmalade, use mayonaise, won't attract the bees nor strangers.