Virus Alert!!

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Virus Alert!

PLEASE READ: If you receive an e-mail attachment entitled “Badtimes”, delete it immediately. DO NOT OPEN IT!!

Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on discs within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnitizes the strips on ALL your credit cards. It re-programs your PIN code, rendering your bank card inoperative, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses sub-space field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

It will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk sours. It will program your phone’s auto-dialer to call only 888 sex line numbers.

This virus will introduce antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will replace your shampoo with 10w30 synthetic engine oil, and your engine oil with freshly squeezed orange juice, all the while dating your girlfriend / boyfriend behind your back and billing their sleazy, but extravagant, hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run recklessly with scissors and throw things irresponsibly about, in a way that is only funny until someone loses an eye. It will leave dirty socks on your coffee table when you expecting company.

It will re-write your documents, changing all your active verbs to their passive tense and incorporate undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

If “Badtimes” is opened in Windows 95 / 98 or XP, it will leave the toilet seat up and your hair dryer left plugged in dangerously close to a full bath. It will also molecularly re-arrange all aftershaves and perfumes, causing them to smell like dill pickles.

It will install itself into your toilet tank and lie in wait till someone important - like your boss or your girlfriend - takes a serious dump, then block the s-bend and cause the toilet to overflow onto their feet.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your radio so that you will only hear static when stuck in traffic. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows.

“Badtimes” will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will seduce your grandmother, it does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of this insidious virus that it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.