How To Be Annoying

[Bumper]

HOW TO BE ANNOYING

• Adjust the tint on your TV so all the people are green. Insist to others that you “like it that way.”
• Drum on every available surface.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
• Produce a video consisting entirely of the INTERPOL warnings about unauthorized copying of videos.
• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
• Write the surprise ending to a suspense novel on its first page.
• Specify that your drive-thru fast food order is “to go.”
• Set alarm clocks for random times.
• Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...”
• Buy larger quantities of mint dental floss just to suck the flavour off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Leave your Twisted Sister tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume appropriately adjusted.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
• Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter’s Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of “The Simpsons” over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Wear your trousers backwards.
• Decline to be seated in a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
• Begin all your sentences with “Ooh la la!”
• Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. (Please note: Dot Matrix printers only)
• TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
• type only in lower case.
• don’t use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Write “X-BURIED TREASURE” in random locations on all of someone’s roadmaps.
• Inform everybody you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination / UFO / Exxon-Valdez / OJ Simpson / conspiracy theories.
• Repeat the following conversation one dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
• Jam all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• When Christmas carolling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells,” until physically restrained.
• As much as possible, skip instead of walking.
• Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the “99 bottles of beer” song.
• Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
• Leave your turn signal indicator on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio and talk to truck drivers on it.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and start over again.
• Name your dog “Dog”.
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what YOU think!”
• Lick the filling out of the Oreo cookies and place the biscuits back in the package.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “good one.”
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they’ve touched with a can of Glade Air Freshener.
• Deliberately hum tunes that will remain permanently lodged in co-worker’s minds.
• While making presentations to business meetings, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things, like the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a fat person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and turned on until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaaasmith for the recognition of being first in the telephone directory. Claim it’s a traditional Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit on your front lawn pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid appearing ignorant.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to “interface” with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim it’s necessary because of your “superior mental processing capabilities.”
• Sing along at the opera.
• Cut your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant “Swing-batabatabatabata-suhWINGbatta!”
• Finish all your sentences with the words “In accordance with prophesy.”
• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your imaginary friend.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why all the poems don’t rhyme with each other.
• Ask your co-workers obscure questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
• Stare at the static on the TV and claim to see a “magic picture.”
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry shag carpet and look for victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be adding more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in an annoying John Madden or Brent Musburger voice.
• Holler random numbers when someone is counting.
• Construct your own pretend “tricorder”, and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

[Seakony]

John Madden IS annoying. I have to mute the TV.

[traci]

I couldn't get past the 2nd one! Any kid that has ever sat in a classroom of mine will tell you that is THE quickest way to get on my nerves!! STOP TAPPING!!!!!!!!

This is just what I needed on a Monday! Very funny!

[pmb]

Signal a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.



I' d like to try this one in work!

Thanks Bumper --- I'll tell them you gave me the idea.

[Rissask]

Here is another one that workds quite well.

The first day of fishing season, and maiden voyage of you and your hubby's new boat.

You go out fishing....three hours later, no bites, not one, nada.

So while hubby is distracted fooling around with the trolling motor, you suddenly yelp "Oh! Oh! Oh!" while frantically gesturing toward his rod in the rod holder.

And watch him trip over himself excitedly going to his rod...to find nothing no, in fact- he does NOT have a bite.

And then laugh your ass off.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.



True story.

Originally Posted by Rissask

Here is another one that workds quite well.

The first day of fishing season, and maiden voyage of you and your hubby's new boat.

You go out fishing....three hours later, no bites, not one, nada.

So while hubby is distracted fooling around with the trolling motor, you suddenly yelp "Oh! Oh! Oh!" while frantically gesturing toward his rod in the rod holder.

And watch him trip over himself excitedly going to his rod...to find nothing no, in fact- he does NOT have a bite.

And then laugh your ass off.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.



True story.

Beyond cruel. I mean seriously. You are a sick individual.

[pmb]

Rissak -- loved it.

[Rissask]

It was pretty funny!



But yeah, kinda mean.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by Bumper

HOW TO BE ANNOYING
• Write “X-BURIED TREASURE” in random locations on all of someone’s roadmaps.

This one really cracked me up. I don't know why.

When you pull up to a red stop light, wait until it turns green before turning on your left turn signal.

[fireinmn]

Originally Posted by MTB Shuttler

When you pull up to a red stop light, wait until it turns green before turning on your left turn signal.

I HATE when people do that!!!