Warning Signs Of Insanity

**Bumper** · 05-07-2005

Warning signs of insanity

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, so you hit them repeatedly with an axe.

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of their bodies in places you would not normally expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start each morning with a 30 minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to you mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from New Brunswick asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have an overwhelming urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.

You’ve had to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn ornaments.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People avoid you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel poop every day.

You laugh out loud during funerals.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through the scuba mask.

You begin to consider all the blades of grass you’ve stepped on during your life, and worry their descendants are going to seek revenge some day.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your parents pretend you don’t exist, just to play along with your illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”

You like cats, especially with Hollandaise sauce.

You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people who try to sell you things.

You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people at your family reunion.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they weren’t rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.

Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

You have an overpowering and debilitating fear of fabric softener.

You wake up each morning to find yourself standing on your head on your front lawn.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because “the napkins have ears.”

You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.

Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, “I think I’ll kill the Pope today.”

You call up people selected at random from the phone book and ask if you may borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

Your main goal in life is to become President of Bulemia.

Nearly everything you say involves the word “P-toing!”

You argue with yourself whether it’s better to be eaten by a koala, or loved by an infectious disease virus.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend you’re a stalk.

You think that exploding wouldn’t be too bad, once you got used to it.

People try to offer you help, but you interpret this as infringing on your rights as a boysenberry.

Andiline · 05-07-2005

If I want to tell my mother in Germany something I don't send her emails (because she refuses to use a computer) but I call her - although she is living on the floor below mine.

**TeeZet** · 05-07-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

You like cats, especially with Hollandaise sauce.

Using Hollandaise sauce seems perfectly sane to me...

Andiline · 05-07-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by TeeZet

Using Hollandaise sauce seems perfectly sane to me...

See, only someone outside Europe could invent something like this..

**TeeZet** · 05-07-2005

I guess Bumper DOES have european ancestors

!

Anyway: we're happy with Canadians in general.
Many veterans (at least the ones that are still with us) were here over the last couple of days to celebrate the end of WWII.

05-07-2005	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,708	Warning Signs Of Insanity Warning signs of insanity Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, so you hit them repeatedly with an axe. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of their bodies in places you would not normally expect tentacles to be growing from. You start each morning with a 30 minute jog around the bathroom. You write to you mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from New Brunswick asking why you never write. Every time you see a street sign, you have an overwhelming urge to relieve yourself on it. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits. You’ve had to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn ornaments. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. People avoid you whenever they hear you howl. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel poop every day. You laugh out loud during funerals. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through the scuba mask. You begin to consider all the blades of grass you’ve stepped on during your life, and worry their descendants are going to seek revenge some day. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. Your parents pretend you don’t exist, just to play along with your illusion. You collect dead windowsill flies. Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!” You like cats, especially with Hollandaise sauce. You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people who try to sell you things. You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people at your family reunion. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they weren’t rescued. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. You have an overpowering and debilitating fear of fabric softener. You wake up each morning to find yourself standing on your head on your front lawn. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons. Melba toast excites you. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because “the napkins have ears.” You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, “I think I’ll kill the Pope today.” You call up people selected at random from the phone book and ask if you may borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. Your main goal in life is to become President of Bulemia. Nearly everything you say involves the word “P-toing!” You argue with yourself whether it’s better to be eaten by a koala, or loved by an infectious disease virus. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend you’re a stalk. You think that exploding wouldn’t be too bad, once you got used to it. People try to offer you help, but you interpret this as infringing on your rights as a boysenberry. __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!"

05-07-2005	#2 (permalink)
Andiline añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Cologne, Germany Posts: 7,603	If I want to tell my mother in Germany something I don't send her emails (because she refuses to use a computer) but I call her - although she is living on the floor below mine.

05-07-2005	#5 (permalink)
TeeZet Non-aggressive Dutch dude Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Uithoorn, The Netherlands Posts: 7,704	I guess Bumper DOES have european ancestors ! Anyway: we're happy with Canadians in general. Many veterans (at least the ones that are still with us) were here over the last couple of days to celebrate the end of WWII.

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