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Seems like an inordinate number of of Forum Family have had to become involved with the health care industry lately. With that in mind, perhaps the following list of medical terms they may have encountered, and the explanations of what they mean, might prove helpful.

Medical Terms

Angioplasty: Modeling clay used in primary schools
Artery: Study of paintings
Atropine: A tall, evergreen, coniferous tree, found growing exclusively on the densely-wooded slopes of rural Atro, in Bulgaria
Bacteria: Rear entrance to cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when a patient dies
Benign: What you are after you be eight
Blood Culture: The Aztecs, or Mayans
Bowel: Letter like A, E, I, O, or U
Cardiac Enzymes:A large, outdated American car, rather like the Cardiac Eldorado, but with larger fins and more chrome.
CAT Scan: Insuring there aren’t any felines in the operating room before beginning an operation.
Cauterize: Making eye contact with a female
Caesarean Section: District in Rome
Chest Film: An extremely soft-core porno movie that only shows naked young ladies from the waist up.
Colic: A sheep dog
Coma: Punctuation mark
Congenital: Friendly
Crash Cart: A form of road traffic accident often encountered in third world countries, or films about the Three Musketeers.
Dilate: To live longer
Dopamine: Where Dopa comes from.
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small untruth
General Anesthetic: A form of anesthesia used exclusively in the upper echelons of the armed forces.
Genital: Not Jewish
G.I. series: Soldier’s ball game
Hangnail: Coat hook
Hypertension: A state of nervousness doctors get into when having to deal with excessively active children.
Hypotension: A state of nervousness doctors get into while hunting for a misplaced syringe.
ICU:The end of a game of hide-and-seek.
IV: The lady that serves tea in the hospital canteen.
IV Push: Hospitals are often short staffed. Sometimes, when a patient in a wheelchair needs to be moved from one area of the hospital to another, the lady who usually serves tea in the canteen has to do it.
Impotent: Distinguished, well-known
Injection: The feature on the engine of a rich doctor’s car that makes it go faster than anybody else’s.
Labour pain: Getting injured on the job
Large Bore IV: That lady in the canteen just won’t stop talking about having to push patients in wheelchairs around.
Local Anesthetic: The kind of pain-killer given to people who live in the neighbourhood.
Monitor: The family of lizards that include the Komodo Dragon.
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Normal Saline: What you are doing when the sea is calm, the wind in the right direction, your boat has no leaks and you are on the right course. Sometimes referred to as “Clear Saline.”
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pap smear: A paternity test
Platelets: What small hospital meals are served on.
Post-Operative: Mail Man
Prostate: Flat on your back
Recovery room: A place to do upholstery
Rectum: Dang near killed ‘em
Rheumatic: Amorous
Rupture: Extreme bliss
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman Emperor who lived in the Caesarean section
Sinus Rhythm: A form of popular music that mixes the percussive beat of late sixties and early seventies funk with the ancient sound of the Siberian nose flute.
Tablet: Small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tox Screen: A fine nylon mesh, generally on a wooden or plastic frame, which is fixed over open doors and windows in the summertime. Its purpose is to prevent Toxes from entering your home, buzzing around when you are trying to sleep, and laying eggs in the potato salad.
Tumor: More than one more
Urine: Opposite of you’re out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
White Count: Dracula, after an unsuccessful night, virgin-wise.