Tommy's Beer Troubleshooting Tips

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A well-known Forum Moderator was recently approached to give his advise on dealing with a variety of problems encountered when drinking beer. This acknowledged expert on matters dealing with the golden elixir generously supplied the following invaluable guidance.(Editor's Note: While some of these hints have been circulated before, we believe this is the first instance of such a comprehensive presentation being advanced.)

TOMMY’S BEER TROUBLESHOOTING TIPS

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
ANALYSIS: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so the open end points to the ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
ANALYSIS: Improper bladder control.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog. Complain about inadequate house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
ANALYSIS: Glass is empty.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get somebody to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
ANALYSIS: You have fallen over backwards.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
ANALYSIS: You have fallen over forwards.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
ANALYSIS: Mouth not open, or glass applied to incorrect part of face.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to washroom. Practice in front of mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
ANALYSIS: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get somebody to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
ANALYSIS: You are being carried out.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room unusually dark.
ANALYSIS: Bar has closed.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
ANALYSIS: Personal beer consumption limitation exceeded.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everybody looking up to you and smiling.
ANALYSIS: You are dancing on the table.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
ANALYSIS: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
ANALYSIS: You have been in a fight.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone. Don’t recognize the room you’re in.
ANALYSIS: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
ANALYSIS: The beer is too weak.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Drink beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
ANALYSIS: Beer is just right.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar.