Teenagers Defined

[Bumper]

TEENAGER (noun)

1. A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS). Thought to be a member of the Homo Sapiens species, due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be an entirely divergent species altogether (See PARENTS).

Very territorial. (See ”IT’S MY ROOM - STAY OUT OF MY ROOM”).

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent that they will forgo family relationships, chores, food, and any form of responsibility (See FATHERS - QUOTATIONS OF).

The males of the species forage for food constantly (See McDONALDS) and are capable of consuming three times their body weight daily.

When in full plumage, the males are generally drab, marked by loose-fitting garments, which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS - QUOTATIONS OF).

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colours under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers and toes. Females often attempt to attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS). Males indicate their approval and interest by staring at the display (See FATHERS - HEART ATTACKS OF).

The call of the female is complex and shrill: “Like, O m’Gosh! O m’Gosh! O m’Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments.

The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders “I’m doing my HOMEWORK! My HOMEWORK! My HOMEWORK!”

The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic sounds from radios.

Male teenagers tend to indicate their willingness to assimilate important information (See FATHERS - LECTURES OF), by rolling their eyes, shrugging their shoulders, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors.

Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, frequently rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often though, this dismissal is merely ceremonial and theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off the host Homo Sapiens family for many subsequent years, often causing considerable hardship and suffering to the host family (See COLLEGE).

2. Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior (As in “She’s a teenager.”)

3. A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. (“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.