Coffee Anyone?

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Based on how much response any inquiry on the subject of coffee generates in this forum, it seems interest in the availability and quality of this staple of the North American diet is wide spread. Perhaps the following might be of interest to caffeine freaks everywhere.

Coffee, anyone?

An experiment was conducted recently to determine the effects of consumption of unusually large amounts of coffee on human physiology.

The test took place in the bright and well-ventilated offices of a newspaper. Regular automatic drip coffee was used. The brand name is not mentioned here because of possible pending litigation. The names of two ancillary participants have been disguised due to the likelihood of assault charges being filed with a law enforcement agency.

What follows is a journal of events, as recorded by this reporter.

First cup (7:30 AM) - I do my Night-Of-The-Living-Dead shuffle over to the coffee pot. My mind is in a blissful haze. Larry, the guy who makes the coffee, snarls a greeting. The coffee is rich with sediment, as if scraped from the bottom of a stagnant pond. “Hmmm, good coffee,” I say to Larry. “I hate you, “ Larry responds. Another morning has come to America.

Second cup (8:00 AM) - I gaze through half-shut eyes at the warning on the pink package of my sugar substitute: “Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains saccharin which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals.” Terrific. White mice are keeling over on treadmills after ingesting just a few grains of this stuff, and I go through ten packs a day. If I were awake, this would almost certainly be a cause for concern.

Third cup (8:40 AM) - Beginning to feel that all-too-familiar jolt to the central nervous system. Brain slowly starting to kick over, like a lawn mower that has languished in the tool shed all winter.

Fourth cup (9:15 AM) - Oh, yes, yes! Feeling a sudden burst of energy now. I empty all the wastebaskets.

Fifth cup (10:15 AM) - Caffeine has kicked in big-time! Arrive early for a meeting in the editor’s office. To kill some time, I wash all her windows. Then I straighten her desk and reorganize her files. The meeting itself goes well. I’m not exactly sure what is said though. I spend most of my time trying to catch this annoying fly that’s buzzing around my head. Editor appears concerned about my behavior, repeatedly insisting that she doesn’t see any fly in the room. Finally she barks at me to “Stop this nonsense!”, but I know it’s there.

Sixth cup (11:45 AM) - Just had an interesting conversation about the election primaries with “X” on the way to lunch. I disagreed with him on several points. Unfortunately, I also pushed him down a flight of stairs. But he asked for it with that stupid crack about the Electoral College system. So did “Y”, that elderly woman who tried to intervene on his behalf. Okay, so I was a little jittery and might have over-reacted a bit. Who would have thought she was that fragile. But she should just butt out of matters that don’t concern her. Wasn’t that hungry at the restaurant, for some reason. I just sipped some water and knocked back a few breath mints. A big meal just makes you feel sluggish in the afternoon.

Seventh cup (12:50 PM) - Can’t stop talking. The words are coming out of my mouth in machine-gun bursts, like one of those “Morning Zoo” radio DJ’s. Blood pressure must be soaring. On my way back to the office, I stop and wash a few cars in the employee parking lot.

Eighth cup (1:44 PM) - This sentence appears on the screen of my word processor: “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” I’ve typed it 50 times. Can’t think. Mind racing now. Some one just tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped over a filing cabinet.

Ninth cup (2:30 PM) - Just lit a Marlboro and I don’t even smoke. Smoking isn’t allowed in the newsroom either. But, hey...what are they going to do about it? I’ve got two words for them if they decide to send Security up here...hostage situation.

Tenth cup (3:35 PM) - Sweating profusely now. Just dropped to the floor and knocked off 20 push-ups, apparently startling the woman at the next desk. “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”, I scream at her. She flees in terror to the rest room. Boy, my head is pounding. Feeling slightly nauseous, to...but it’s a good kind of nauseous.