Good Excuses

[Bumper]

101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO

I’d love to, but...

1. I have to floss my cat.
2. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
3. I want to spend more time with my blender.
4. The Prime Minister said he might drop in.
5. The man on television told me to stay tuned.
6. I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7. I have to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8. It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
9. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10. I’m building a goat from a kit.
11. I did my own thing and now I have to undo it.
12. I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13. There’s a disturbance in The Force.
14. I’m doing door-to-door canvassing for static cling.
15. I have to go to the Post Office to see if I’m wanted.
16. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
17. I have to check the “Best By” dates on my dairy products.
18. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19. I’m going downtown to try on surgical gloves.
20. My crayons all melted together.
21. I’m trying to see how long I can go without agreeing to anything.
22. I’m in training to be a household pest.
23. I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
24. My patent is pending and I’m waiting for word.
25. I’m attending the opening of my neighbour’s garage door.
26. I’m sandblasting my oven.
27. I’m worried about my horizontal hold.
28. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29. I’m being deported.
30. The grunion are running.
31. I’ll be out looking for a parking space.
32. My Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
33. The Pac Man ghosts haven’t turned blue yet, so I have to eat more dots.
34. I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
35. I have to fluff my shower cap.
36. I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37. I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something-or-other.
38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40. I have to fulfill my potential.
41. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
42. It’s too close to the turn of the century.
43. I have some really long words to look up in the dictionary.
44. My subconscious says no.
45. I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46. I left my body in some other clothes.
47. The last time I went, I never came back.
48. I’ve got a Friends Of The Rutabaga convention.
49. I have to answer all my “occupant” letters.
50. None of my socks match.
51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52. I’m having all my plants neutered.
53. The media wants to interview me about the Spanish-American War.
54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
55. I’m making a video called “The Thing That Grew In My Refrigerator.”
56. I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58. I’m touring China with a wok band.
59. My chocolate appreciation class meets that night.
60. I never go out on days that end in a “Y”.
61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62. I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student.
63. I picked up a book called “Glue In Many Lands” and I just can’t put it down.
64. I’m too old/young for that stuff.
65. I have to wash/curl/condition/perm/tease/torment my hair.
66. I have too much guilt.
67. There are more important world issues that need to be addressed.
68. I have to draw “Cubby” to win an art scholarship.
69. I’m uncomfortable when I’m with others, or alone.
70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71. I feel a song coming on.
72. I’m trying to be less popular.
73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74. I have to bleach my hare.
75. I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
76. I’m writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77. You know how we psychos are.
78. My favourite commercial is on TV.
79. I have to study for a blood test.
80. I’m going to be old someday.
81. I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.
82. I’m observing National Apathy Week.
83. I have to rotate my crops.
84. My uncle escaped again.
85. I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87. I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89. I have to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91. Having fun give me a rash.
92. I’ve got to check with Missing Persons to see if anyone is looking for me.
93. I have to jog my memory.
94. My personal mystic advised against it.
95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97. I prefer to remain an enigma.
98. I think you want to see the OTHER (your name).
99. I have to watch a car rust.
100. I’m trying to cut down.
101. ...well, maybe.