I Like Monkeys

[Bumper]

I Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that somewhat odd, since they were normally a couple of thousand dollars. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a large car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. As a matter of fact, none of them were particularly bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched me in my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speed and slam into the walls. Although this was amusing at first, the spectacle lost its novelty and appeal half way through the third hour.

A few hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys laying all around my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey, and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad in my room.

I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey stuck in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only room in my freezer for two monkeys at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it wouldn’t go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know that my bed was so inflammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my smouldering bed. The odour wasn’t improving.

I became concerned at my apparent inability to dispose of my monkeys, and to regain the use of my bathroom. I beat one of the monkeys severely. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man warned me that the city was not allowed to dispose of scorched primates. I told him I had a wet one. He wouldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother to inquire as to their policy about frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them away as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in their genitals

I like monkeys.

[playabum17]

Okay, Bumper, now I am starting to worry about you. Your stuff is usually pretty amusing, this...is just kind of weird. Where do you get this stuff?

[dataman]

As a matter of common sense, and for hygenic reasons, please remember to use a condom when playing with your monkey!

[Babaloo]

[Bumper]

I'm commencin' to wonder if mebbeso it's time to increase the dosage on my meds..whataya think?

[TeeZet]

Originally Posted by Bumper

I'm commencin' to wonder if mebbeso it's time to increase the dosage on my meds..whataya think?

Have one (or more, if applicable) of these:

[Cheesehead]

Bumper,
I don't know if it should be a increase or a decrease in the meds, but one or the other is surely needed.

I'm scared

[Nerak936]

I'm afraid our dear Bump has finally gone off the edge.....