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Geriatric Golf

An 80 year old man went to a doctor for a checkup. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the senior was in. He asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?”

The old-timer replied, “I’m an avid golfer and that’s why I’m in such good condition. I’m out of bed at daylight five or six times a week, and up and down the fairways for hours of fresh air and exercise.”

The doctor said, “Well I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it than that. A lot of it is undoubtedly genetics. How old was your father when he died?”

The old-timer said, “Who says my dad’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive! How old is he?”

The man answered, “He’s 102 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning...and that’s why he’s still alive...he’s a golfer.”

The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but like I said, heredity has a lot more to do with it than sport. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”

The elder responded, “Who said my grandpa was dead?”

The shocked medical man gasped, You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living!! How old is he?”

“He’s 121 years old. “ replied the old-timer.

The physician was getting a little sceptical at this point and asked, “And I suppose he went golfing with you and your father this morning to?”

The old gentleman said, “No...grandpa couldn’t make it this morning. He’s getting married today and had some last minute details to take care of.”

The amazed doctor said, “Getting married!! Why would a 121 year old guy want to get married?!”

The old-timer said, “Who said he wants to?”

*********************************************

SIGN AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees slightly bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...especially when others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

****************************************

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career coming along?”

Stevie Wonder says, “Not too bad. The latest album has gone into the top ten, so all in all I guess I can’t complain. How about you, how’s golf treating you?”

Nicklaus replies, “Not too bad. I’m not winning as much as I used to, but I’m still making quite a bit of money. I’ve been having some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that beat now.”

“I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I’m best to walk away from the game for a while and just think about what I’m doing, and visualize how it should feel. The next time out it’s always much better,” says Stevie.

“You play golf!?” asks Jack.

Stevie says, “Sure, I’ve been playing for years.”

“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you’re blind?” Nicklaus asks.

“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the balls towards it. Then when I get to where the ball has landed, the caddie moves farther down the fairway, or onto the green, and again I hit the ball towards his voice.” explains Stevie.

“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”

Nicklaus says, “What’s your handicap?”

“Frankly, I play scratch,” Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie “We must play a game some time.”

Wonder replies, “Well people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never for less than $100,000 a hole.”

Nicklaus thinks it over for a moment and says, “Okay, I’m game for that. When would you like to play?”

“I don’t care - any night next week is fine with me.”