Lying versus not telling it all...

Connie · 07-05-2005

What do you think? Is "leaving out some information"/not telling it all when it comes to critical issues like cheating and wrong behavior in general (drugs, too much alcohol, etc.) the same as lying intentionally?

Over the years I've met people who tried to convince me that "they didn't lie to me but simply left out some parts of the story" (in order to not having to tell a lie).

To me this is just bull.... that makes me angry. Am I the only one who thinks that way?

Do you get where I'm aiming at? If so, what's your opinion?

jtm1631 · 07-05-2005

I think some of it may depend on the situation, but overall I would agree with you. If you make a commitment to somebody and you do not keep that commitment, the fact the other person does not know what you have done does not make things any better. These people are not being honest with you and they are lying to themselves.

fireinmn · 07-05-2005

I think it depends on who you're talking to and what exactly you're talking about. I would have no problem leaving bits and pieces out of a conversation if it were with my boss, coworker, not so close friend - someone I'm not emotional invested in or attached to. Anyone other than that needs to know the truth...I think this means I'm with you on this!

**Heather** · 07-05-2005

I would disagree but only when it comes to certain circumstances, specifically those not related to cheating. For example, if a close friend were to get drunk and hit on me, that's not something a boyfriend really needs to know, especially if this is generally a decent person and made a bad choice when drunk. One "cheating" situation I can think of is if you kissed someone else, are totally repentent, don't know why you did it, and will never do it again. Then, why bring it up to hurt them for no reason?

Babaloo · 07-05-2005

if my girlfriend asks me if her butt looks bigger in those jeans...
.....Well.....hmmm.....

Connie, I need to think about your question a little longer

birdman · 07-05-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

I would disagree but only when it comes to certain circumstances, specifically those not related to cheating. For example, if a close friend were to get drunk and hit on me, that's not something a boyfriend really needs to know, especially if this is generally a decent person and made a bad choice when drunk. One "cheating" situation I can think of is if you kissed someone else, are totally repentent, don't know why you did it, and will never do it again. Then, why bring it up to hurt them for no reason?

Ahhh, the old too much to drink ploy. That guy's been thinking about hitting on you for a long time, he just found an excuse to do it while drinking is all.

**Heather** · 07-05-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by birdman

Ahhh, the old too much to drink ploy. That guy's been thinking about hitting on you for a long time, he just found an excuse to do it while drinking is all.

That was you?!?!

PlayadelSoul · 07-05-2005

During my drinking days, I would have said "you need to ask better questions".

Lying by omission is still lying, IMHO. Of course, a white lie, made to spare someone's feelings, is OK. It all depends on the motive. If you are trying to save your own ass by omitting something, it is a lie.

07-05-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

One "cheating" situation I can think of is if you kissed someone else, are totally repentent, don't know why you did it, and will never do it again. Then, why bring it up to hurt them for no reason?

Is there something you want to tell us? Are you feeling the guilt!

**Heather** · 07-05-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mindbender

Is there something you want to tell us? Are you feeling the guilt!

This might have happened in a past relationship, but I'm still not sayin'.

07-05-2005

Sometimes you can cause more harm than good by telling everything. It can be better to focus on the positive points.

Now if it's someone cheating on you and lying, then they don't respect you or the relationship - finish it, because it'll happen again...

If they're cheating in business - finish it, because it'll happen again...

Get better friends who value you and their word more.

As Scotty said in Star Trek 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me!'

07-05-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

This might have happened in a past relationship, but I'm still not sayin'.

Well if it was a stupid mistake then go home and ask to be firmly punished, just don't say why!

roni · 07-05-2005

I agree that it depends on the person, the length and importance and characteristics of the relationship with the person who did not tell everything; maybe how often it happened (the not telling everything you think you should have been told).

I usually think that more information is better in long-term relationships. Maybe the people in the relationship should talk about what should be told and what need not be told.

A case can be made that the person who is not getting the full story deserves to have it. In fact, a case could be made that they need the information in order to make fully informed decisions about the relationship with the person who is witholding information.

Then onto a part of Heather's post

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

One "cheating" situation I can think of is if you kissed someone else, are totally repentent, don't know why you did it, and will never do it again. Then, why bring it up to hurt them for no reason?

I gotta assume here that we're hypothetically talking about something beyond a minor social kiss

. When it comes to how fully to disclose the kissing episode, most of us, I suspect, would play it by ear, doing that which felt right to us.

I do not think there is any One Right Way when it comes to disclosure, and Heather makes a good point - though the pain being avoided may be the pain that is anticipated by the person who did the kissing rather than the pain of the person who does not know the kissing happened.

If my partner were not present to witness the kissing, then I generally tell her - I would rather her hear it from me than from someone else. That has pretty much been her modus operandi as well. We do not usually think of kissing as a "cheating" situation, though. We also do not do that much extra-marital kissing, but it has happened on occasion.

Nerak936 · 07-05-2005

Note to self: Have minty-fresh breath spray and lip gloss on hand when you finally get to meet Roni.

roni · 07-05-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nerak936

Note to self: Have minty-fresh breath spray and lip gloss on hand when you finally get to meet Roni.

I would think that the purveyor of fine necklaces, bracelets, anklets and hat bands could do far better than a middle-aged dude from Oregon

.

07-05-2005	#1 (permalink)
Connie life=playa Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Klagenfurt, Austria Posts: 806	Lying versus not telling it all... What do you think? Is "leaving out some information"/not telling it all when it comes to critical issues like cheating and wrong behavior in general (drugs, too much alcohol, etc.) the same as lying intentionally? Over the years I've met people who tried to convince me that "they didn't lie to me but simply left out some parts of the story" (in order to not having to tell a lie). To me this is just bull.... that makes me angry. Am I the only one who thinks that way? Do you get where I'm aiming at? If so, what's your opinion?

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07-05-2005	#2 (permalink)
jtm1631 añejo Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Chicagoland Posts: 2,360	I think some of it may depend on the situation, but overall I would agree with you. If you make a commitment to somebody and you do not keep that commitment, the fact the other person does not know what you have done does not make things any better. These people are not being honest with you and they are lying to themselves.

07-05-2005	#3 (permalink)
fireinmn añejo Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: St. Paul, MN Posts: 5,210	I think it depends on who you're talking to and what exactly you're talking about. I would have no problem leaving bits and pieces out of a conversation if it were with my boss, coworker, not so close friend - someone I'm not emotional invested in or attached to. Anyone other than that needs to know the truth...I think this means I'm with you on this!

07-05-2005	#4 (permalink)
Heather Staff Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Playa del Carmen Posts: 9,042	I would disagree but only when it comes to certain circumstances, specifically those not related to cheating. For example, if a close friend were to get drunk and hit on me, that's not something a boyfriend really needs to know, especially if this is generally a decent person and made a bad choice when drunk. One "cheating" situation I can think of is if you kissed someone else, are totally repentent, don't know why you did it, and will never do it again. Then, why bring it up to hurt them for no reason?

07-05-2005	#5 (permalink)
Babaloo añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Paamul, Q Roo Mexico Posts: 10,366	if my girlfriend asks me if her butt looks bigger in those jeans... .....Well.....hmmm..... Connie, I need to think about your question a little longer

07-05-2005	#8 (permalink)
PlayadelSoul Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Location: We'll know when we get there, We'll find mercy Posts: 8,965	During my drinking days, I would have said "you need to ask better questions". Lying by omission is still lying, IMHO. Of course, a white lie, made to spare someone's feelings, is OK. It all depends on the motive. If you are trying to save your own ass by omitting something, it is a lie.

07-05-2005	#11 (permalink)
Mindbender Posts: n/a	Sometimes you can cause more harm than good by telling everything. It can be better to focus on the positive points. Now if it's someone cheating on you and lying, then they don't respect you or the relationship - finish it, because it'll happen again... If they're cheating in business - finish it, because it'll happen again... Get better friends who value you and their word more. As Scotty said in Star Trek 'fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me!'

07-05-2005	#14 (permalink)
Nerak936 =^. " .^= Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 18,505	Note to self: Have minty-fresh breath spray and lip gloss on hand when you finally get to meet Roni.

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