The Bumper's Excellent Adventure

**Bumper** · 08-27-2005

Here we are in lovely Victoria, British Columbia, and finally in a hotel that I believe has decent, reliable Internet access. So now we'll see if we can bore you to death with the goings on during The Trip From Hell. And you thought you knew what tedium was before...HAH!!! I take that as a challenge.

Day 1, Tuesday, 08/09
Up and away early. At the border. US Customs guy says, "Any booze?" I reply, "One bottle of liquor amd some wine." He says, "Define "some"." I say, "About a case." (Knowing full well we're allowed a bottle each, and there's actually 16 bottles.) He flinches visibly and says, "Homemade?" I respond, "Some." (Knowing full well it's all commercial. Primarily an assortment of tasty Chardonnays destined to quench the thirst of a couple of notoriously thisty well-travelled Toobin' ladies, and some reds for our own consumption.) He hesitates a moment, then hands back our passports and says, "Have a nice day." Whew! Dodged our first bullet.

Drove to Council Bluffs, Iowa. Saw every motorcycle in the world on the road, mostly because of the giant annual rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. Chatted with a pair of couples on their 4 huge Harley hogs at a rest stop. They were on their way home to North Carolina after being on the road for 6,000 miles. One lady said she was looking forward to getting home because she missed "the dawgs and the kidz", in that order I suspect.

Spent the night in the Settle Inn - sound nice and folksy, doesn't it? - and had dinner at a dandy Italian restaurant across the river in Omaha, Nebraska. The desk clerk recommended it and we found it OK, despite her directions.

Windshield Observation: Ever notice no matter what colour a butterfly is on the outside, they're all yellow on the inside?

Nerak936 · 08-27-2005

Hey, Bumper..... this one chardonnay-drinkin'-toobin' lady sure does appreciate your running the gauntlet at the Boordah!!! Them thar boddels of vino sher brought big grins to my kissah and Andrea's!!! THANKS AGAIN!

**SunKneeMarie** · 08-27-2005

Bumpers's Back!! Great first installment... looking forward to more!!

08-27-2005

I don't know why I didn't think of this before - but a detour through Denver is only 12 hours out of your way next time. I would love to have some smuggled Chardonnay! AND collect on that infamous Bumper Hug.

Love the tedium - please keep boring me to tears.

(PS - wearing my exclusive The Bumpers pin to our peep fest this afternoon - I feel special :p )

**Bumper** · 08-27-2005

Day 2, Wednesday, 08/10
Enjoyed a "continental breakfast" at the Settle Inn. It appears that on this continent, breakfast is composed of waffles, biscuits & gravy, powdered donuts, blueberry muffins, bagels, three kinds of toast, and about a jillion spreads/jams/peanut butter/jelly to pour all over them. Folks on this continent all have cholesterol readings right off the chart.

Fashion Observation: When did it become acceptable to wander around motel lobbies in bare feet and checkered flannel PJ's?

Travelled across some Iowa, a piece of Nebraska, Kansas, and most of Oklahoma today. Check Engine light came on in Kansas. 45 tense minutes of driving with it on to get to Wichita. 2 hours, and $310 later, we pull out of the Toyota dealership. KA-CHING! Replaced a "Mass flow something-or-other" to do with the fuel system. I hate cars. At least they washed and vacuumed the car.

The maps lie. The tour books lie. The Tourist Information people lie. I-35 is not an interstate. It's not a highway. It's not even a road. It's a series of interconnected construction zones, peopled by guys in orange vests leaning on shovels.

Stopped for the night at the Days Inn in Paul's Valley, Oklahoma. Wanted to have dinner at a charming looking spot called Punkin's Barbeque and Catfish, but it was closed, so we tried for a meal at Bob's Barbeques Pig Store (on the recommendation of a gas jockey with three teeth and one-strap bib overalls), but it appears all the fine dining establishments in Paul's Valley close early. I don't think anyone knew how to work the electric lights.

Roadkill Observation: Are armadillos the stupidest animals on earth, or just incredibly slow moving? There can't be many left, based on how many we saw on the highway. I guess they haven't worked it out yet that while rolling up into a ball is good protection from a coyote, it don't work worth a damn with an 18 wheeler. Or maybe their lives are so unbearable that they're all suicides?

TEX · 08-27-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

Day 2, Wednesday, 08/10

The maps lie. The tour books lie. The Tourist Information people lie. I-35 is not an interstate. It's not a highway. It's not even a road. It's a series of interconnected construction zones, peopled by guys in orange vests leaning on shovels.

Roadkill Observation: Are armadillos the stupidest animals on earth, or just incredibly slow moving? There can't be many left, based on how many we saw on the highway. I guess they haven't worked it out yet that while rolling up into a ball is good protection from a coyote, it don't work worth a damn with an 18 wheeler. Or maybe their lives are so unbearable that they're all suicides?

good stuff, bumper. keep it comin'....

08-27-2005

Glad to hear from you Bumper...loving your report...more, more, more.

BonnyW · 08-27-2005

I am SOOOO enjoying this...

Can't wait to hear more!

I remember seeing my first-10K armadillos on the highway from Oklahoma to Dallas and thinking similar thoughts... Are they so ugly they want to die?

**Bumper** · 08-27-2005

Day 3, Thursday, 08/11
Continenmtal breakfast in Paul's Valley is pretty grim compared to Council Bluffs. On this continent, it seems folks survive on pre-packaged toaster pastry, artificial food additives, and excessive packaging.

Hotter than Hell's kitchen floor today. Made our way into Dallas easily, by taking Harry Hines Blvd, past every strip club in town. Found our way to the Stoneleigh easily. Great spot...thanks for the recommendation, Mikey. A terrific hotel and very affordable. I've paid more money to stay in hotel rooms smaller than the closets in the Stoneleigh. Over to the Hard Rock Cafe, a few blocks away, for a bit of pin shopping. The guy in retail already knew me by name. It appears our fame preceeded us, thanks to a visit from Andrea and Rita earlier. Lunch at a terrific spot called Trulucks.

Off to the Rita-organized Peep Meet at El Fenix, where we were installed in a back room, so as not to offend the other patrons. I hope it worked? About 20+ peeps there, and I won't even try to recall all the names. A good group, though. Lotsa hugs and renewal of friendships. Andrea delivered an impressive array of Hard Rock pins she had picked up for me in Cologne, Berlin, Paris and London. Thanks huge, Andrea. On the way out of the place, I looked around for Mrs. B, and there she was...on hands and knees in the street. Not just drunk, I'm afraid, but she had had a dandy fall when stepping off the curb onto an uneven piece of pavement. Quick thinking Rita hot-footed it back into El Fenix for a bag of ice, but Jackie's ankle swelled up big time and she was in real pain. Turned several interesting colours too. But she's trooper and several of us headed off to Gilley's. Thanks to Adam for the ride. There must have been a big sale of chewing tobacco on somewhere, because the place was pretty much deserted. Heroic Karen did an admirable job of riding the famous mechanical bull, as Rita's video proves. I decided I was too old and fragile for that foolishness, so the bull and I came to an understanding. I wouldn't inflict my significant bulk on him, and he agreed not to render me a quadrapalegic. Seemed fair. Tried my first Shiner Bock. Too malty for my taste, but a decent brew.

Freeway Observation: Now, I admit to being a conservative driver - only one speeding ticket in 40 years - but freeway driving is an interesting experience for a guy from a town with no freeways. On ramps, off ramps, yields, merge from the right, merge from the left, parachute merge from planes overhead, merge from secret subterranean caverns, and all with a speed limit of 70 MPH, which is merely a suggestion, of course. We doing 75 and being passed like we're parked. My hands are permanently clenched into talons.

**sctx** · 08-27-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

Stopped for the night at the Days Inn in Paul's Valley, Oklahoma.

beautiful area of Oklahoma, if you ever have a few hours to spare, drive around on some of the country roads in the Arbuckles.... just don't stray too far off the paved roads

Andiline · 08-27-2005

Bump, I just love every sentence you write as much as I loved the chardonnay you smuggled into the States...

Keep it coming...

**SunKneeMarie** · 08-27-2005

LOVE Trulucks!

btodd · 08-27-2005

Enjoying the report Bumper. Not much new in Winnipeg, a little cooler but no more mosquitos! Have fun and drive safely...........Joan

TAPPY · 08-27-2005

Great report so far Bumper...

Looking forward to the rest

DavidB · 08-27-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bumper

Day 2, Wednesday, 08/10
Fashion Observation: When did it become acceptable to wander around motel lobbies in bare feet and checkered flannel PJ's?

Don't be picking on Mrs. B , I'm sure she still looked great......

08-27-2005	#1 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,418	The Bumper's Excellent Adventure Here we are in lovely Victoria, British Columbia, and finally in a hotel that I believe has decent, reliable Internet access. So now we'll see if we can bore you to death with the goings on during The Trip From Hell. And you thought you knew what tedium was before...HAH!!! I take that as a challenge. Day 1, Tuesday, 08/09 Up and away early. At the border. US Customs guy says, "Any booze?" I reply, "One bottle of liquor amd some wine." He says, "Define "some"." I say, "About a case." (Knowing full well we're allowed a bottle each, and there's actually 16 bottles.) He flinches visibly and says, "Homemade?" I respond, "Some." (Knowing full well it's all commercial. Primarily an assortment of tasty Chardonnays destined to quench the thirst of a couple of notoriously thisty well-travelled Toobin' ladies, and some reds for our own consumption.) He hesitates a moment, then hands back our passports and says, "Have a nice day." Whew! Dodged our first bullet. Drove to Council Bluffs, Iowa. Saw every motorcycle in the world on the road, mostly because of the giant annual rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. Chatted with a pair of couples on their 4 huge Harley hogs at a rest stop. They were on their way home to North Carolina after being on the road for 6,000 miles. One lady said she was looking forward to getting home because she missed "the dawgs and the kidz", in that order I suspect. Spent the night in the Settle Inn - sound nice and folksy, doesn't it? - and had dinner at a dandy Italian restaurant across the river in Omaha, Nebraska. The desk clerk recommended it and we found it OK, despite her directions. Windshield Observation: Ever notice no matter what colour a butterfly is on the outside, they're all yellow on the inside?

08-27-2005	#9 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,418	Day 3, Thursday, 08/11 Continenmtal breakfast in Paul's Valley is pretty grim compared to Council Bluffs. On this continent, it seems folks survive on pre-packaged toaster pastry, artificial food additives, and excessive packaging. Hotter than Hell's kitchen floor today. Made our way into Dallas easily, by taking Harry Hines Blvd, past every strip club in town. Found our way to the Stoneleigh easily. Great spot...thanks for the recommendation, Mikey. A terrific hotel and very affordable. I've paid more money to stay in hotel rooms smaller than the closets in the Stoneleigh. Over to the Hard Rock Cafe, a few blocks away, for a bit of pin shopping. The guy in retail already knew me by name. It appears our fame preceeded us, thanks to a visit from Andrea and Rita earlier. Lunch at a terrific spot called Trulucks. Off to the Rita-organized Peep Meet at El Fenix, where we were installed in a back room, so as not to offend the other patrons. I hope it worked? About 20+ peeps there, and I won't even try to recall all the names. A good group, though. Lotsa hugs and renewal of friendships. Andrea delivered an impressive array of Hard Rock pins she had picked up for me in Cologne, Berlin, Paris and London. Thanks huge, Andrea. On the way out of the place, I looked around for Mrs. B, and there she was...on hands and knees in the street. Not just drunk, I'm afraid, but she had had a dandy fall when stepping off the curb onto an uneven piece of pavement. Quick thinking Rita hot-footed it back into El Fenix for a bag of ice, but Jackie's ankle swelled up big time and she was in real pain. Turned several interesting colours too. But she's trooper and several of us headed off to Gilley's. Thanks to Adam for the ride. There must have been a big sale of chewing tobacco on somewhere, because the place was pretty much deserted. Heroic Karen did an admirable job of riding the famous mechanical bull, as Rita's video proves. I decided I was too old and fragile for that foolishness, so the bull and I came to an understanding. I wouldn't inflict my significant bulk on him, and he agreed not to render me a quadrapalegic. Seemed fair. Tried my first Shiner Bock. Too malty for my taste, but a decent brew. Freeway Observation: Now, I admit to being a conservative driver - only one speeding ticket in 40 years - but freeway driving is an interesting experience for a guy from a town with no freeways. On ramps, off ramps, yields, merge from the right, merge from the left, parachute merge from planes overhead, merge from secret subterranean caverns, and all with a speed limit of 70 MPH, which is merely a suggestion, of course. We doing 75 and being passed like we're parked. My hands are permanently clenched into talons. __________________ Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!" Last edited by Bumper : 08-27-2005 at 10:35 AM.

08-27-2005	#14 (permalink)
TAPPY añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Louisiana Posts: 14,832	Bumper Tales Great report so far Bumper... Looking forward to the rest

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08-27-2005	#2 (permalink)
Nerak936 =^. " .^= Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 18,461	Hey, Bumper..... this one chardonnay-drinkin'-toobin' lady sure does appreciate your running the gauntlet at the Boordah!!! Them thar boddels of vino sher brought big grins to my kissah and Andrea's!!! THANKS AGAIN!

08-27-2005	#3 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 26,024	Bumpers's Back!! Great first installment... looking forward to more!!

08-27-2005	#4 (permalink)
Playa Junkie Posts: n/a	I don't know why I didn't think of this before - but a detour through Denver is only 12 hours out of your way next time. I would love to have some smuggled Chardonnay! AND collect on that infamous Bumper Hug. Love the tedium - please keep boring me to tears. (PS - wearing my exclusive The Bumpers pin to our peep fest this afternoon - I feel special :p )

08-27-2005	#5 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 9,418	Day 2, Wednesday, 08/10 Enjoyed a "continental breakfast" at the Settle Inn. It appears that on this continent, breakfast is composed of waffles, biscuits & gravy, powdered donuts, blueberry muffins, bagels, three kinds of toast, and about a jillion spreads/jams/peanut butter/jelly to pour all over them. Folks on this continent all have cholesterol readings right off the chart. Fashion Observation: When did it become acceptable to wander around motel lobbies in bare feet and checkered flannel PJ's? Travelled across some Iowa, a piece of Nebraska, Kansas, and most of Oklahoma today. Check Engine light came on in Kansas. 45 tense minutes of driving with it on to get to Wichita. 2 hours, and $310 later, we pull out of the Toyota dealership. KA-CHING! Replaced a "Mass flow something-or-other" to do with the fuel system. I hate cars. At least they washed and vacuumed the car. The maps lie. The tour books lie. The Tourist Information people lie. I-35 is not an interstate. It's not a highway. It's not even a road. It's a series of interconnected construction zones, peopled by guys in orange vests leaning on shovels. Stopped for the night at the Days Inn in Paul's Valley, Oklahoma. Wanted to have dinner at a charming looking spot called Punkin's Barbeque and Catfish, but it was closed, so we tried for a meal at Bob's Barbeques Pig Store (on the recommendation of a gas jockey with three teeth and one-strap bib overalls), but it appears all the fine dining establishments in Paul's Valley close early. I don't think anyone knew how to work the electric lights. Roadkill Observation: Are armadillos the stupidest animals on earth, or just incredibly slow moving? There can't be many left, based on how many we saw on the highway. I guess they haven't worked it out yet that while rolling up into a ball is good protection from a coyote, it don't work worth a damn with an 18 wheeler. Or maybe their lives are so unbearable that they're all suicides?

08-27-2005	#7 (permalink)
Rubio~ Posts: n/a	Glad to hear from you Bumper...loving your report...more, more, more.

08-27-2005	#8 (permalink)
BonnyW añejo Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Left Coast...So Cal Posts: 8,583	I am SOOOO enjoying this... Can't wait to hear more! I remember seeing my first-10K armadillos on the highway from Oklahoma to Dallas and thinking similar thoughts... Are they so ugly they want to die?

08-27-2005	#11 (permalink)
Andiline añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Cologne, Germany Posts: 7,381	Bump, I just love every sentence you write as much as I loved the chardonnay you smuggled into the States... Keep it coming...

08-27-2005	#12 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 26,024	LOVE Trulucks!

08-27-2005	#13 (permalink)
btodd reposado Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada Posts: 1,292	Enjoying the report Bumper. Not much new in Winnipeg, a little cooler but no more mosquitos! Have fun and drive safely...........Joan

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