Would you like to have my mother

MaripositaII · 12-09-2005

For Christmas? I'd pay for her to fly out to you and pay YOU to keep her...indefinitely.

I've tried since before my father died to be there for my mother (as some of you already know), but she's not an easy woman to please. No matter what I say or do, it's just never right. I've decided in the last two days that I won't take her phone calls, but my children have taken them. I will not abandon her, but that does not mean I'm her slave. How can a grown woman like that expect me to give up my husband, children, home and job to sit with her 24/7? I suggested a support group, and she's found every excuse in the book to not attend the meetings. We would take her there if she decides to go. I went once and that was enough for me, but I know the group would be helpful to her. I cannot go to every meeting and every outing with her. She does not want to be independent in any form.

On December 2nd, my son was getting his green belt in Taekwondo. I had a little party for him afterwards. She was not in a good mood and started to quiz the kids about what day the 2nd was...son says to her, "it's the day I got my green belt!" Wrong bloody answer. He should have said "Grandpa died 5 months ago today." Damn!

We plan to celebrate Christmas, and I'm moving ahead with my life. Miss my father and shed a tear or two every now and again if something reminds me of him, but I'm very upbeat and excited about the holidays. Mum seems to resent that and she's jealous that I have a life. So, besides shipping her out, begging someone to kidnap her, or selling her on ebay, how would you handle this woman?

I've had enough, honestly.

bigdave · 12-09-2005

do some research in your area.......take her to places where they have people in similar situations/age/likeness doing fun things. bingo halls, not sure her age but maybe senior parties, church events, things like that. she will eventually meet new friends and you will have a trouble getting to see her yourself.
good luck and god bless.

myhappyplace2 · 12-09-2005

Love her, love her, lover her! I too have a "difficult" parent. Mine has had several strokes and now it is hard for her to communicate and move around. She has lost all independence and becomes very angry or distraunt. If your father passed only 5 months ago, you mother is very lonely. Imagine losing your spouse or child. I would be devastated and I am sure that it would effect my perspective on the enjoyment of my life. Included her in as much as possible. Include the memories of your father in the holidays. I'm sure you would much rather have a "difficult" mother than a dead one. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I wish I could spend more time with my mom before she passes.

Joana · 12-09-2005

Well- it's pretty obvious she's still grieving heavily and that her mindset is set around the pain of loosing her husband a lot.............

I fully understand where the conflict is here- you and her have different ways of dealing with what happened......she probably thinks what you do seems insensitive, you feel that she isn't moving on enough and sticking to you like glue. Just two people dealing with the same thing in different ways.

About the support group- if she isn't ready to do this there is most likely no way you can get her to do it.
One thing you could try to offer her is to go to that support group together with her (once- but don't tell her...). Tell her that it was so nice to talk to the others about how your dad was etc.. Maybe that will trigger her?

If all doesn't work- and you do seem to be on the edge of patience, which I can understand- have a very open talk to her, even if it might lead to a heated discussion. Maybe talk to your other family members first about how they feel about the situation etc.
In that talk I'd explain to her that you do love her and that while her way of grieving is of course fully accepted (hey- everyone needs to do as they feel and has a right to...) YOUR way of dealing with it is a different one- and that by forcing her way of grieving upon you (which it sounds like....you know...mentioning your dad at times when moving on is up, calling you all the time to talk about it.....) she is making it unable for you to deal with it your way. Which is just your right as it is hers to grieve her way.
She needs to accept that not all people are alike and grieve alike- which doesn't mean one form of grieving is better than another or more or less sensitive!!
Tell her openly when you feel that something she just said was not pleasant or right so she can grasp how you feel- in a nice way of course. Like in the case were she mentioned your dad at your sons party I would have taken her aside and said "Mom- I know it still hurts. And we all think of dad and the fact that he is gone a lot. But please don't mention it now- as my son has achieved something great today and right now we want to focus on that for a little bit."

I am sure that at times you could scream and shake her.......but like said: everyone grieves differently and has a right to it.
But SHE has to accept that, too- and if she can't I would see it as your full right to limit contact to her for a bit (unless there is a dire emergency) in order for you to get your life back in order.

Also- does she have a doc she goes to and trust??
Maybe talk to him so he can address the subject with her.
Docs invariably have a lot of experience with people grieving......so maybe he can help.

In a way- although of course the two are not really the same- I always compare the situation of loosing a loved one to situations where someone is heartbroken because the partner left after a long relationship.
I had a friend who couldn't get over her man dissapearing from her life for a loooong time. ALL she could talk about was him, her suffering and how lost she felt without him. This went on for half a year and wouldn't get better. It was sole subject of all conversations and turning in circles. So I can kind of relate to what is going on in your house right now......
I did the same I advised you to do one day- sat down with her, told her that I really, really, really am her friend and like her but that I just can't listen to the old subject anymore. That if something NEW occurs she can talk to me or if things are REALLY bad- but that I just can't listen to the same things over and over again day in day out because I can't change them!!
At first she was upset and mad at me for a while.....but bit by bit our conversations went back to normal and she didn't mention him anymore all of the time. And by time WHEN she did I was able to listen to her again with an open ear and heart.

Keep your spirits up!!!!

Rissask · 12-09-2005

Everyone's given you good advice, I just wanted to say I am sorry and hope she develops more independence down the road- aging parents can be difficult to deal with at times.

Nerak936 · 12-09-2005

My mother was sick for many years with different ailments and was a constant complainer..... to the point where sometimes I could not WAIT to get out of her house and run back to my own. And sometimes I don't know how my father contended with it (I think he learned how to turn a deaf ear to it at times).

What I wouldn't give to be able to see and talk with her again (she died 8 years ago).

Hang in there with your mom. No, you can't spend all your time with her, and you can't hold her hand 24/7. And you also can't help her deal with her grief. You have your grief, and she has hers. Everyone has to learn how to deal with it on their own terms.

But don't stop loving her. No matter how fed up you get, try to keep that love alive and well.

mfl*s queen · 12-09-2005

Oh, do I know how you feel. My father fell very ill in March of 2003, and I began driving the 2 hours to their home every weekend, until he passed on Fathers Day. Then continued to drive the 2 hours every weekend to be with my mother, as she could not stand to be alone, and my sister, who lived a block away, was too busy. She only lasted about 3.5 months after my fathers death, and passed away in October. They were married 59 years, from the age of 17. She didn't want to live without my Dad, as she had never been without him. Bottom line..it is very difficult, but I would gladly make that 2 hour drive again. Hang in there, as once they are gone, you cannot get them back.

MWC · 12-09-2005

Everyone here has given excellent advice for a situation for which there is no easy answer. Your mother will come around when she's ready; all you can do for now is whatever variation you can withstand of mhp's "love her" mantra.
It's only 5 months out, so I do think it understandable that your mother is still working through her grief. If I am remembering correctly, your father's death was sudden and unexpected, yet had high-demand decision points that turned on a dime; so it's not like she had been able to "practice" her goodbyes to him along the way, as someone adminstering to an invalid would be able to do. She has had the rug yanked out from under her, and while that sudden loss effects you all, it is going to hit her the hardest. Certain cultures have a one-year mourning period for good reason.
While the whole juggling thing is such a stress for you right now, be thankful you have the kids. When I was going through getting my hubby through serious cancer treatments a few years back, the best advice I got was from the school psychologist: let the kids stay absorbed in their self-centeredness, and allow yourself to be absorbed in their self-centeredness, too. There is such a thing as positive apathy when it comes to dealing with difficult situation.
Your mother cannot be entirely accountable for her actions and statements right now, which means you will have to play the big person to compensate. Sometimes that will mean just putting up with her when you have her over, or go out with her. More important, I think what she said to your son's friends is simply deplorable. If she doesn't apologize for that, YOU should. Also, make sure you talk through with your kids "grandma situations" that come up; if you let them help you, you will be surprised at how tolerant kids can be for grownup's behavior. If you can't do anything about your mom right now, at least you can take the opportunity to strengthen your nuclear family.
Do not vent too angrily in your childrens' presence. I made that mistake in regards to my own mom. As she became incontinent and slovenly in her appearance and listless in her behavior, I blamed it on her lifetime of lack of exercise, and her general prima donna behavior my whole life. Well, it turns out she had had a series of ministrokes, and is in the initial stages of dementia. I feel terribly guilty about the ill feelings I created in my daughters.

Lousy time of year for this kind of stuff. My heart goes out to you and your mom.

krazy4playa · 12-09-2005

I can't say it better than Joana. And Joana has been there for my mother too different reason. But I think she offers good solid advice. You don't have to be nasty but I would lay down the law so it were said. Thank God I have a gem of a mother.

MaripositaII · 12-09-2005

Thanks for all the advice and responses. I read everyone's and appreciate the time and effort to help.

First of all, my mother would NEVER attend anything like a bingo, senior group or any church activity if one of her children were not attending it also. She clings to her children and spends all day on the phone gossiping with my siblings. She has always been this way. She is not close to her own family nor to friends. She has never developed a 'girlie' friendship thing in this country. My older friends from church have called to invite her out, invite her to exercise, invite her to chat with them. She makes excuses all the time. I called her doctor (we use the same) and he called to have her come in for a checkup. She made excuses of why she couldn't go in (no ride) even though I told her I would take her. I have asked her to go walking with me at the park or the Y (when it's cold), again, she had an excuse.

Bottom line is this. My mother needs some medication and to see a therapist but I can't suggest that. Yes, I understand that she's grieving and I feel sorry for her and I have tried to help. I spend all my weekends with her, and we asked her to move in with us (shudders at the thought now), but she declines. Then she does the pity thing by telling the siblings (I'm all alone here, they're too busy for me). That's after staying Friday and Saturday with her!

Yes, I will miss her IF she dies before me, but I know I'm trying and that I have given my parents and siblings more time and energy than many people out there...

PlayadelSoul · 12-09-2005

When my parents start to get on my nerves, I just think of all the hell I put them through, and the feeling passes. Don't know if this is the case here, but it works for me.

krazy4playa · 12-09-2005

I would just tell her listen if you want a pity party that's fine but I'm not coming. I had to take a firm hand with my grandmother and now she tows the note. I just don't have the patience for that kind of behavior. I'm not mean but I am firm. You should see my nieces and nefews around me. Like little angels.

James A. · 12-09-2005

Tough call...grief is a funny (not ha-ha funny) animal.

bigdave · 12-09-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaripositaII

Thanks for all the advice and responses. I read everyone's and appreciate the time and effort to help.

First of all, my mother would NEVER attend anything like a bingo, senior group or any church activity if one of her children were not attending it also. She clings to her children and spends all day on the phone gossiping with my siblings. She has always been this way. She is not close to her own family nor to friends. She has never developed a 'girlie' friendship thing in this country. My older friends from church have called to invite her out, invite her to exercise, invite her to chat with them. She makes excuses all the time.

tell her you are going to the function and invite/take her with you. put here in your car and just show up. she will have you and the outting also. you know your mother better than anyone. no one else can help with that part. short of doctor. our wishes, hopes, and prayers are with you. may everything turn out good.

MikeW · 12-09-2005

This may sound harsh, and I'm sorry if it does. I think the best thing you can do is get professional counseling with a family therapist for yourself. A therapist should be able to help you to deal with your mom. Eventually you may be able to bring your mom with you to the therapist and you guys can work things out together.

12-09-2005	#1 (permalink)
MaripositaII añejo Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 3,410	Would you like to have my mother For Christmas? I'd pay for her to fly out to you and pay YOU to keep her...indefinitely. I've tried since before my father died to be there for my mother (as some of you already know), but she's not an easy woman to please. No matter what I say or do, it's just never right. I've decided in the last two days that I won't take her phone calls, but my children have taken them. I will not abandon her, but that does not mean I'm her slave. How can a grown woman like that expect me to give up my husband, children, home and job to sit with her 24/7? I suggested a support group, and she's found every excuse in the book to not attend the meetings. We would take her there if she decides to go. I went once and that was enough for me, but I know the group would be helpful to her. I cannot go to every meeting and every outing with her. She does not want to be independent in any form. On December 2nd, my son was getting his green belt in Taekwondo. I had a little party for him afterwards. She was not in a good mood and started to quiz the kids about what day the 2nd was...son says to her, "it's the day I got my green belt!" Wrong bloody answer. He should have said "Grandpa died 5 months ago today." Damn! We plan to celebrate Christmas, and I'm moving ahead with my life. Miss my father and shed a tear or two every now and again if something reminds me of him, but I'm very upbeat and excited about the holidays. Mum seems to resent that and she's jealous that I have a life. So, besides shipping her out, begging someone to kidnap her, or selling her on ebay, how would you handle this woman? I've had enough, honestly.

12-09-2005	#4 (permalink)
Joana Niiiice!! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The House of God Posts: 4,913	Well- it's pretty obvious she's still grieving heavily and that her mindset is set around the pain of loosing her husband a lot............. I fully understand where the conflict is here- you and her have different ways of dealing with what happened......she probably thinks what you do seems insensitive, you feel that she isn't moving on enough and sticking to you like glue. Just two people dealing with the same thing in different ways. About the support group- if she isn't ready to do this there is most likely no way you can get her to do it. One thing you could try to offer her is to go to that support group together with her (once- but don't tell her...). Tell her that it was so nice to talk to the others about how your dad was etc.. Maybe that will trigger her? If all doesn't work- and you do seem to be on the edge of patience, which I can understand- have a very open talk to her, even if it might lead to a heated discussion. Maybe talk to your other family members first about how they feel about the situation etc. In that talk I'd explain to her that you do love her and that while her way of grieving is of course fully accepted (hey- everyone needs to do as they feel and has a right to...) YOUR way of dealing with it is a different one- and that by forcing her way of grieving upon you (which it sounds like....you know...mentioning your dad at times when moving on is up, calling you all the time to talk about it.....) she is making it unable for you to deal with it your way. Which is just your right as it is hers to grieve her way. She needs to accept that not all people are alike and grieve alike- which doesn't mean one form of grieving is better than another or more or less sensitive!! Tell her openly when you feel that something she just said was not pleasant or right so she can grasp how you feel- in a nice way of course. Like in the case were she mentioned your dad at your sons party I would have taken her aside and said "Mom- I know it still hurts. And we all think of dad and the fact that he is gone a lot. But please don't mention it now- as my son has achieved something great today and right now we want to focus on that for a little bit." I am sure that at times you could scream and shake her.......but like said: everyone grieves differently and has a right to it. But SHE has to accept that, too- and if she can't I would see it as your full right to limit contact to her for a bit (unless there is a dire emergency) in order for you to get your life back in order. Also- does she have a doc she goes to and trust?? Maybe talk to him so he can address the subject with her. Docs invariably have a lot of experience with people grieving......so maybe he can help. In a way- although of course the two are not really the same- I always compare the situation of loosing a loved one to situations where someone is heartbroken because the partner left after a long relationship. I had a friend who couldn't get over her man dissapearing from her life for a loooong time. ALL she could talk about was him, her suffering and how lost she felt without him. This went on for half a year and wouldn't get better. It was sole subject of all conversations and turning in circles. So I can kind of relate to what is going on in your house right now...... I did the same I advised you to do one day- sat down with her, told her that I really, really, really am her friend and like her but that I just can't listen to the old subject anymore. That if something NEW occurs she can talk to me or if things are REALLY bad- but that I just can't listen to the same things over and over again day in day out because I can't change them!! At first she was upset and mad at me for a while.....but bit by bit our conversations went back to normal and she didn't mention him anymore all of the time. And by time WHEN she did I was able to listen to her again with an open ear and heart. Keep your spirits up!!!! __________________ No regrets "There are two things that are endless: the universe and human stupidity. I am not completely sure about the universe being endless though." Albert Einstein Original SLOT. Last edited by Joana : 12-09-2005 at 09:20 AM.

12-09-2005	#10 (permalink)
MaripositaII añejo Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 3,410	Thanks for all the advice and responses. I read everyone's and appreciate the time and effort to help. First of all, my mother would NEVER attend anything like a bingo, senior group or any church activity if one of her children were not attending it also. She clings to her children and spends all day on the phone gossiping with my siblings. She has always been this way. She is not close to her own family nor to friends. She has never developed a 'girlie' friendship thing in this country. My older friends from church have called to invite her out, invite her to exercise, invite her to chat with them. She makes excuses all the time. I called her doctor (we use the same) and he called to have her come in for a checkup. She made excuses of why she couldn't go in (no ride) even though I told her I would take her. I have asked her to go walking with me at the park or the Y (when it's cold), again, she had an excuse. Bottom line is this. My mother needs some medication and to see a therapist but I can't suggest that. Yes, I understand that she's grieving and I feel sorry for her and I have tried to help. I spend all my weekends with her, and we asked her to move in with us (shudders at the thought now), but she declines. Then she does the pity thing by telling the siblings (I'm all alone here, they're too busy for me). That's after staying Friday and Saturday with her! Yes, I will miss her IF she dies before me, but I know I'm trying and that I have given my parents and siblings more time and energy than many people out there... Last edited by MaripositaII : 12-09-2005 at 10:00 AM.

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12-09-2005	#2 (permalink)
bigdave añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: short plane ride away from heaven on earth Posts: 2,673	do some research in your area.......take her to places where they have people in similar situations/age/likeness doing fun things. bingo halls, not sure her age but maybe senior parties, church events, things like that. she will eventually meet new friends and you will have a trouble getting to see her yourself. good luck and god bless.

12-09-2005	#3 (permalink)
myhappyplace2 añejo Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: The big D with some other kool peeps> Posts: 2,745	Love her, love her, lover her! I too have a "difficult" parent. Mine has had several strokes and now it is hard for her to communicate and move around. She has lost all independence and becomes very angry or distraunt. If your father passed only 5 months ago, you mother is very lonely. Imagine losing your spouse or child. I would be devastated and I am sure that it would effect my perspective on the enjoyment of my life. Included her in as much as possible. Include the memories of your father in the holidays. I'm sure you would much rather have a "difficult" mother than a dead one. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I wish I could spend more time with my mom before she passes.

12-09-2005	#5 (permalink)
Rissask Brit basher Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 18,416	Everyone's given you good advice, I just wanted to say I am sorry and hope she develops more independence down the road- aging parents can be difficult to deal with at times.

12-09-2005	#6 (permalink)
Nerak936 =^. " .^= Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 18,505	My mother was sick for many years with different ailments and was a constant complainer..... to the point where sometimes I could not WAIT to get out of her house and run back to my own. And sometimes I don't know how my father contended with it (I think he learned how to turn a deaf ear to it at times). What I wouldn't give to be able to see and talk with her again (she died 8 years ago). Hang in there with your mom. No, you can't spend all your time with her, and you can't hold her hand 24/7. And you also can't help her deal with her grief. You have your grief, and she has hers. Everyone has to learn how to deal with it on their own terms. But don't stop loving her. No matter how fed up you get, try to keep that love alive and well.

12-09-2005	#7 (permalink)
mfl*s queen reposado Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Far North Chicago Suburbs Posts: 1,231	Oh, do I know how you feel. My father fell very ill in March of 2003, and I began driving the 2 hours to their home every weekend, until he passed on Fathers Day. Then continued to drive the 2 hours every weekend to be with my mother, as she could not stand to be alone, and my sister, who lived a block away, was too busy. She only lasted about 3.5 months after my fathers death, and passed away in October. They were married 59 years, from the age of 17. She didn't want to live without my Dad, as she had never been without him. Bottom line..it is very difficult, but I would gladly make that 2 hour drive again. Hang in there, as once they are gone, you cannot get them back.

12-09-2005	#8 (permalink)
MWC añejo Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 5,842	Everyone here has given excellent advice for a situation for which there is no easy answer. Your mother will come around when she's ready; all you can do for now is whatever variation you can withstand of mhp's "love her" mantra. It's only 5 months out, so I do think it understandable that your mother is still working through her grief. If I am remembering correctly, your father's death was sudden and unexpected, yet had high-demand decision points that turned on a dime; so it's not like she had been able to "practice" her goodbyes to him along the way, as someone adminstering to an invalid would be able to do. She has had the rug yanked out from under her, and while that sudden loss effects you all, it is going to hit her the hardest. Certain cultures have a one-year mourning period for good reason. While the whole juggling thing is such a stress for you right now, be thankful you have the kids. When I was going through getting my hubby through serious cancer treatments a few years back, the best advice I got was from the school psychologist: let the kids stay absorbed in their self-centeredness, and allow yourself to be absorbed in their self-centeredness, too. There is such a thing as positive apathy when it comes to dealing with difficult situation. Your mother cannot be entirely accountable for her actions and statements right now, which means you will have to play the big person to compensate. Sometimes that will mean just putting up with her when you have her over, or go out with her. More important, I think what she said to your son's friends is simply deplorable. If she doesn't apologize for that, YOU should. Also, make sure you talk through with your kids "grandma situations" that come up; if you let them help you, you will be surprised at how tolerant kids can be for grownup's behavior. If you can't do anything about your mom right now, at least you can take the opportunity to strengthen your nuclear family. Do not vent too angrily in your childrens' presence. I made that mistake in regards to my own mom. As she became incontinent and slovenly in her appearance and listless in her behavior, I blamed it on her lifetime of lack of exercise, and her general prima donna behavior my whole life. Well, it turns out she had had a series of ministrokes, and is in the initial stages of dementia. I feel terribly guilty about the ill feelings I created in my daughters. Lousy time of year for this kind of stuff. My heart goes out to you and your mom.

12-09-2005	#9 (permalink)
krazy4playa añejo Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 2,199	I can't say it better than Joana. And Joana has been there for my mother too different reason. But I think she offers good solid advice. You don't have to be nasty but I would lay down the law so it were said. Thank God I have a gem of a mother.

12-09-2005	#11 (permalink)
PlayadelSoul Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Location: We'll know when we get there, We'll find mercy Posts: 8,965	When my parents start to get on my nerves, I just think of all the hell I put them through, and the feeling passes. Don't know if this is the case here, but it works for me.

12-09-2005	#12 (permalink)
krazy4playa añejo Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 2,199	I would just tell her listen if you want a pity party that's fine but I'm not coming. I had to take a firm hand with my grandmother and now she tows the note. I just don't have the patience for that kind of behavior. I'm not mean but I am firm. You should see my nieces and nefews around me. Like little angels.

12-09-2005	#13 (permalink)
James A. sandbagger vidiot Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Bell Buckle, TN Posts: 2,282	Tough call...grief is a funny (not ha-ha funny) animal.

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12-09-2005	#15 (permalink)
MikeW añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Moorpark, CA Posts: 9,084	This may sound harsh, and I'm sorry if it does. I think the best thing you can do is get professional counseling with a family therapist for yourself. A therapist should be able to help you to deal with your mom. Eventually you may be able to bring your mom with you to the therapist and you guys can work things out together.