Deep Thoughts...

SCR · 01-11-2006

Deep Thoughts…<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days…..he’s mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar! What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, the Government would have voted to keep it alive.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows; do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label, and the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he’ll be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooooooh, you're a huge idiot.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Its right above the crack in you’re butt, and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high.

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place…the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie!

No more gift registries. You know, it used to just be for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't care in the first place.<O:p</O:p

Stop sending me emails that I HAVE to forward to fifty seven people within the next two seconds or I'll have gas pains with occasional eruptions and perpetual bad luck. My bad luck starts when I open your stupid emails. And, God knows I love him...forwarding emails doesn't guarantee me a place in Heaven.<O:p></O:p>

Shawn<O:p</O:p

Lem043 · 01-11-2006

That's my kind of flavored water!!

TAPPY · 01-11-2006

LMAO !!!! Good one SCR !!!!

......cept I dont agree with the eyebrow thingy....unibrows and big bushy eysbrows are ugly (sorry if that offends anyone) ...on a man or a woman.....

Lem043 · 01-11-2006

I aggree with unibrow / bushy brow thing, but those pluck'em off and paint'em back on things are just creepy too!

Jacko · 01-11-2006

I always wondered what those tatoos meant!

Nerak936 · 01-11-2006

Those were priceless!! Love the one about the age of the toddler. Never could understand why people always state the age in months. Makes me have to do the math, and I suck at math.

xqqzme · 01-11-2006

LOVE the Starbucks analogy...they drive me nuts. It was like learning a foreign language.

fireinmn · 01-11-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by SCR

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't care in the first place.

oops...guilty! although, to defend myself, I usually only do that when I know the person has kids of their own. Otherwise I round...now I just let Edie answer that question...she's been 2 1/2 for several months - she'll be three the end of this month.

Coccinelle · 01-11-2006

I am a "triple venti non fat latte" girl.

I used to be a "xtra large with 3 shots of espresso with skim milk" girl - same dif but I got weird looks when ordering that one. Some of the staff can be so anal sometimes. I had to conform to the lingo.

I just dont know how some people can even remember what they drink, it's like 2 sentences long!

Good one SCR.

Seakony · 01-11-2006

Are these deep thoughts by "Jack Handy"?

Lem043 · 01-11-2006

I have a morning coffee routine. Wake up to sound of alarm.....hit snooze. Wake up to sound of alarm......hit snooze agian. Wake up to sound of alarm....fall out of bed. Stand up, scratch butt, stumble to kitchen. grab coffee beans from fridge (usually Kroger brand or something similar) and pour some into grinder (never, never measure beans). Grind for 15 to 20 seconds or until annoying grinding sound wakes you up again. Pour into filter. Damn-it....empty filter with new coffee and yesterdays grounds mixed. Repeat pouring, grinding, pouring, scatching. Put somewhere between 8 and 12 cups of water into coffee machine. If you put in 12 cups....clean 2 cups off of counter. Turn on coffee machine (this is a very important step). Shuffle into bathroom for shower....wake up. Get out of shower (sometimes dry off and everything) and pour first cup of coffee. On weekends...if feeling frisky...add Bailey's. Sometimes on weekends, full pot of coffee with Bailey's comes befor shower.

Icon oclast · 01-12-2006

Wisdom of the ages. Water is something you drink out of a glass from your faucet. Paying a buck for a bottle of water that comes from a spring flowing out of the side of a landfill makes me scratch my noggin.

Everything dies and thats a fact,
but maybe everything that dies someday comes back.

CaroleLB · 01-12-2006

Funny stuff!

Now to forward it to the people who forward me those angels promising death should I not forward them.

Jillian · 01-12-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by SCR

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't care in the first place.<O:p</O:p

Guilty of this one! And I actually think I have been saying 20 months for the last couple months

, now I don't even know how many months!

cpfstich · 01-12-2006

Are you Jack Handy in disguise?

01-11-2006	#1 (permalink)
SCR life=playa Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 694	Deep Thoughts... Deep Thoughts…<O:p</O:p <O:p</O:p Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days…..he’s mowing my lawn. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar! What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, the Government would have voted to keep it alive. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows; do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label, and the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he’ll be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooooooh, you're a huge idiot. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Its right above the crack in you’re butt, and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high. I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place…the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie! No more gift registries. You know, it used to just be for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese, and I didn't care in the first place.<O:p</O:p Stop sending me emails that I HAVE to forward to fifty seven people within the next two seconds or I'll have gas pains with occasional eruptions and perpetual bad luck. My bad luck starts when I open your stupid emails. And, God knows I love him...forwarding emails doesn't guarantee me a place in Heaven.<O:p></O:p> Shawn<O:p</O:p Last edited by SCR : 01-11-2006 at 06:36 PM.

01-11-2006	#9 (permalink)
Coccinelle añejo Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Ottawa, Canada Posts: 2,727	I am a "triple venti non fat latte" girl. I used to be a "xtra large with 3 shots of espresso with skim milk" girl - same dif but I got weird looks when ordering that one. Some of the staff can be so anal sometimes. I had to conform to the lingo. I just dont know how some people can even remember what they drink, it's like 2 sentences long! Good one SCR. Last edited by Coccinelle : 01-11-2006 at 10:32 PM.

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01-11-2006	#2 (permalink)
Lem043 way into it Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 132	That's my kind of flavored water!!

01-11-2006	#3 (permalink)
TAPPY añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Louisiana Posts: 14,943	LMAO !!!! Good one SCR !!!! ......cept I dont agree with the eyebrow thingy....unibrows and big bushy eysbrows are ugly (sorry if that offends anyone) ...on a man or a woman.....

01-11-2006	#4 (permalink)
Lem043 way into it Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 132	I aggree with unibrow / bushy brow thing, but those pluck'em off and paint'em back on things are just creepy too!

01-11-2006	#5 (permalink)
Jacko añejo Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 17,988	I always wondered what those tatoos meant!

01-11-2006	#6 (permalink)
Nerak936 =^. " .^= Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 18,508	Those were priceless!! Love the one about the age of the toddler. Never could understand why people always state the age in months. Makes me have to do the math, and I suck at math.

01-11-2006	#7 (permalink)
xqqzme Bi-Coastal Beacher Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Las Vegas and St George Posts: 4,786	LOVE the Starbucks analogy...they drive me nuts. It was like learning a foreign language.

01-11-2006	#10 (permalink)
Seakony añejo Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: no longer in Mesquite with nothing to do Posts: 10,147	Are these deep thoughts by "Jack Handy"?

01-11-2006	#11 (permalink)
Lem043 way into it Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 132	I have a morning coffee routine. Wake up to sound of alarm.....hit snooze. Wake up to sound of alarm......hit snooze agian. Wake up to sound of alarm....fall out of bed. Stand up, scratch butt, stumble to kitchen. grab coffee beans from fridge (usually Kroger brand or something similar) and pour some into grinder (never, never measure beans). Grind for 15 to 20 seconds or until annoying grinding sound wakes you up again. Pour into filter. Damn-it....empty filter with new coffee and yesterdays grounds mixed. Repeat pouring, grinding, pouring, scatching. Put somewhere between 8 and 12 cups of water into coffee machine. If you put in 12 cups....clean 2 cups off of counter. Turn on coffee machine (this is a very important step). Shuffle into bathroom for shower....wake up. Get out of shower (sometimes dry off and everything) and pour first cup of coffee. On weekends...if feeling frisky...add Bailey's. Sometimes on weekends, full pot of coffee with Bailey's comes befor shower.

01-12-2006	#12 (permalink)
Icon oclast reposado Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,024	Wisdom of the ages. Water is something you drink out of a glass from your faucet. Paying a buck for a bottle of water that comes from a spring flowing out of the side of a landfill makes me scratch my noggin. Everything dies and thats a fact, but maybe everything that dies someday comes back.

01-12-2006	#13 (permalink)
CaroleLB Go Cougars! Join Date: May 2003 Location: New Jersey Posts: 3,945	Funny stuff! Now to forward it to the people who forward me those angels promising death should I not forward them.

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01-12-2006	#15 (permalink)
cpfstich el poli Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 10,662	Are you Jack Handy in disguise?