Some gems from Steven Wright

tbone · 09-23-2006

Steven Wright quotes:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't
expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my
hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left
me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your
name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some
just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?

PlayadelSoul · 09-23-2006

Here is one from Drake Sather, may he RIP. He was Steven Wright on steroids.

kathy.web · 09-23-2006

Another one: I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep them scattered on beaches all over the world.

**Heather** · 09-23-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by kathy.web

Another one: I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep them scattered on beaches all over the world.

That is one of my favorites!

corona6218 · 09-23-2006

Profanity is a sign of an ignorant mind trying to express itself. Ahh, !?!? it.

Loree · 09-23-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by tbone

Steven Wright quotes:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't
expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my
hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left
me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your
name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some
just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?

Those are great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seakony · 09-23-2006

I borrow this one from him all the time'
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
I liked this one too:
" I have a friend who was born by C-section. Every once in a while he has an urge to go out through the window"

**Mindbender** · 09-23-2006

I was stopped for doing 40mph in a 30mph zone. I said ' officer I wasn't going to be out that long.'

People say my socks are odd because one is red and the other green. Not to me, I go by thickness.

You know that sensation when you lean back in a chair and just catch youself from falling back? I feel like that all the time.

bic4d · 09-23-2006

"I use to work at Logan airport. I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. You'd see me on an 84-foot stepladder with a coathanger."

"I will now play everything the Beatles ever wrote. Don't worry though, I won't play all of 'Hey Jude."

emc · 09-23-2006

"A fool and his money are soon partying"

c943 · 12-27-2007

The morning after a party at my house I couldn't find my socks......
So I called information, I asked the lady "do you know where my socks are?" Behind the couch she said, and they were.

**SunKneeMarie** · 12-27-2007

"I have a CD burner... my fireplace."

"I have another pair of pants just like this one... except they're red with green stripes and they're shorts."

Eileencc · 12-27-2007

Steven Wright is god!

Dianita · 12-27-2007

I had read so many of these quotes before but never knew they were from him. Thanks so much for posting them, he's so cool.

09-23-2006	#1 (permalink)
tbone way into it Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada Posts: 180	Some gems from Steven Wright Steven Wright quotes: 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

09-23-2006	#5 (permalink)
corona6218 toe in water Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 53	Here's One Profanity is a sign of an ignorant mind trying to express itself. Ahh, !?!? it.

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09-23-2006	#2 (permalink)
PlayadelSoul Registered User Join Date: May 2005 Location: We'll know when we get there, We'll find mercy Posts: 8,965	Here is one from Drake Sather, may he RIP. He was Steven Wright on steroids.

09-23-2006	#3 (permalink)
kathy.web añejo Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Missouri-North of KC Posts: 1,694	Another one: I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep them scattered on beaches all over the world.

09-23-2006	#7 (permalink)
Seakony añejo Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: no longer in Mesquite with nothing to do Posts: 10,147	I borrow this one from him all the time' "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." I liked this one too: " I have a friend who was born by C-section. Every once in a while he has an urge to go out through the window"

09-23-2006	#8 (permalink)
Mindbender Moderator Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Playa del Carmen Posts: 3,094	I was stopped for doing 40mph in a 30mph zone. I said ' officer I wasn't going to be out that long.' People say my socks are odd because one is red and the other green. Not to me, I go by thickness. You know that sensation when you lean back in a chair and just catch youself from falling back? I feel like that all the time.

09-23-2006	#9 (permalink)
bic4d ruined Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 96	"I use to work at Logan airport. I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. You'd see me on an 84-foot stepladder with a coathanger." "I will now play everything the Beatles ever wrote. Don't worry though, I won't play all of 'Hey Jude."

09-23-2006	#10 (permalink)
emc life=playa Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Cleveland OH Posts: 911	"A fool and his money are soon partying"

12-27-2007	#11 (permalink)
c943 life=playa Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 914	The morning after a party at my house I couldn't find my socks...... So I called information, I asked the lady "do you know where my socks are?" Behind the couch she said, and they were.

12-27-2007	#12 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 26,314	"I have a CD burner... my fireplace." "I have another pair of pants just like this one... except they're red with green stripes and they're shorts."

12-27-2007	#13 (permalink)
Eileencc añejo Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: North of Boston, Mass Posts: 4,081	Steven Wright is god!

12-27-2007	#14 (permalink)
Dianita beachaholic Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Kingston, Ontario/Florida Keys/Playa Posts: 479	I had read so many of these quotes before but never knew they were from him. Thanks so much for posting them, he's so cool.

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