[knapthyme]

IT<TT> TAKES A WOMAN TO REALLY GET THIS! </TT>
<TT>This has to be one of the funniest </TT>and<TT> most god-awful scenarios I have ever heard of... Bless this woman!!!</TT>

All<TT> hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,</TT>painless<TT> removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The </TT>Wax<TT>!!</TT>

My<TT> night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; </TT>played<TT> with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully </TT><TT>i</TT>n<TT> my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of </TT>the<TT> medicine cabinet?"</TT>

So<TT> I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those </TT><TT>c</TT>old<TT> wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips t</TT>ogether<TT> in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, </TT>press<TT> it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!</TT>

No<TT> mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I </TT>am<TT> mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*</TT>

So<TT> I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, </TT>stuck<TT> together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair </TT>dryer<TT> and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this </TT>phrase<TT> haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin </TT>around<TT> it tight and pull.</TT>

OK<TT>... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do </TT>this<TT>!!! </TT>Hair<TT> removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward </TT>body<TT> hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!</TT>

With<TT> my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I </TT>sneak<TT> back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting </TT>championship<TT>. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using t</TT>he<TT> same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the </TT>bikini<TT> line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to </TT>the<TT> inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply </TT>and<TT> brace myself... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! I'm blind!!!!! Blinded </TT>from<TT> pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!</TT>

Vision<TT> returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of </TT>the<TT> strip.</TT>
<TT>S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and </TT>spotted<TT>. Do I hear crashing drums?????</TT>

OK<TT>, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with </TT>my<TT> hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to </TT>revel<TT> in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.</TT>

I<TT> hold up the strip! There's no hair on it! Where is the hair?? </TT>
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<TT>WHERE </TT>IS<TT> THE WAX?</TT>
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<TT>Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the </TT>toilet<TT>. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I </TT>touch<TT>. I am touching wax.</TT>

S<TT>**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which </TT>is<TT> now covered in cold wax and matted hair.</TT>

Then<TT> I make the next BIG mistake..... </TT>
<TT>Remember, my foot is still </TT>propped<TT> up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my </TT>foot<TT> down. </TT>DAMN<TT>!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.</TT>

Vagina<TT>? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the </TT>bathroom<TT>, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please </TT>don’t<TT> let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."</TT>

Hot<TT> water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can </TT>stand<TT> into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax </TT>should<TT> melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*</TT>

I<TT> get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to</TT>
torture<TT> prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, t</TT><TT>he only thing worse than having your nether businesses glued together </TT>is<TT> having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the </TT>tub<TT>.... in scalding hot water!!</TT>
Which<TT>, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.</TT>

So<TT>, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man who </TT>convinced<TT> me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, </TT>thinking<TT> surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me </TT>undone<TT>.</TT>

It’s<TT> a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and my who-ha are </TT>stuck<TT> to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't </TT>have<TT> a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She </TT>wants<TT> to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we </TT>talking<TT> cheeks or hole or what?"</TT>

She’s<TT> laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown </TT>and<TT> she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!</TT>
Right<TT>!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go </TT>through<TT> various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a </TT>razor<TT>. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in </TT>hot<TT> wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry </TT>shaving<TT> the sticky wax off!!!</TT>

By<TT> now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major knock and I </TT>slip<TT> into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my </TT>hand<TT> reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to </TT>remove<TT> the excess wax. </TT>What<TT> do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY </TT>GOD<TT>!!!!!</TT>

The<TT> scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, </TT>but<TT> I really don't care!! "IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty </TT>congratulation<TT> from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove </TT>the<TT> remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE </TT>HAIR<TT> IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!</TT>

So<TT>, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.</TT>

Next<TT> week I'm going to try hair color.
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