[Joana]

Well- it's pretty obvious she's still grieving heavily and that her mindset is set around the pain of loosing her husband a lot.............

I fully understand where the conflict is here- you and her have different ways of dealing with what happened......she probably thinks what you do seems insensitive, you feel that she isn't moving on enough and sticking to you like glue. Just two people dealing with the same thing in different ways.

About the support group- if she isn't ready to do this there is most likely no way you can get her to do it.
One thing you could try to offer her is to go to that support group together with her (once- but don't tell her...). Tell her that it was so nice to talk to the others about how your dad was etc.. Maybe that will trigger her?

If all doesn't work- and you do seem to be on the edge of patience, which I can understand- have a very open talk to her, even if it might lead to a heated discussion. Maybe talk to your other family members first about how they feel about the situation etc.
In that talk I'd explain to her that you do love her and that while her way of grieving is of course fully accepted (hey- everyone needs to do as they feel and has a right to...) YOUR way of dealing with it is a different one- and that by forcing her way of grieving upon you (which it sounds like....you know...mentioning your dad at times when moving on is up, calling you all the time to talk about it.....) she is making it unable for you to deal with it your way. Which is just your right as it is hers to grieve her way.
She needs to accept that not all people are alike and grieve alike- which doesn't mean one form of grieving is better than another or more or less sensitive!!
Tell her openly when you feel that something she just said was not pleasant or right so she can grasp how you feel- in a nice way of course. Like in the case were she mentioned your dad at your sons party I would have taken her aside and said "Mom- I know it still hurts. And we all think of dad and the fact that he is gone a lot. But please don't mention it now- as my son has achieved something great today and right now we want to focus on that for a little bit."


I am sure that at times you could scream and shake her.......but like said: everyone grieves differently and has a right to it.
But SHE has to accept that, too- and if she can't I would see it as your full right to limit contact to her for a bit (unless there is a dire emergency) in order for you to get your life back in order.

Also- does she have a doc she goes to and trust??
Maybe talk to him so he can address the subject with her.
Docs invariably have a lot of experience with people grieving......so maybe he can help.

In a way- although of course the two are not really the same- I always compare the situation of loosing a loved one to situations where someone is heartbroken because the partner left after a long relationship.
I had a friend who couldn't get over her man dissapearing from her life for a loooong time. ALL she could talk about was him, her suffering and how lost she felt without him. This went on for half a year and wouldn't get better. It was sole subject of all conversations and turning in circles. So I can kind of relate to what is going on in your house right now......
I did the same I advised you to do one day- sat down with her, told her that I really, really, really am her friend and like her but that I just can't listen to the old subject anymore. That if something NEW occurs she can talk to me or if things are REALLY bad- but that I just can't listen to the same things over and over again day in day out because I can't change them!!
At first she was upset and mad at me for a while.....but bit by bit our conversations went back to normal and she didn't mention him anymore all of the time. And by time WHEN she did I was able to listen to her again with an open ear and heart.



Keep your spirits up!!!!