Star Trek Management

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What it would be like on the Starship Enterprise under today's management techniques.

After the crew is advised they are now "empowered", Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak."

Commander Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain has not been properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's shoddy record keeping as he is disassembled for parts.

All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The resulting loss of productive work time requires that they severely restrict scheduled repairs, leading to a warp core breach that destroys the Enterprise, killing everyone.

Commander Riker is fired in a round of "right sizing." Star Fleet Command had decided it did not require the services of an officer whose duties seemed to consist exclusively of seducing alien females and smirking.

As part of a new Dignity Enhancement program, Captain Piccard is forced to allow Counselor Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.

Star Fleet decides to adopt Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all new-born babies be implanted with computer interface devices. As an unsuspected bonus, this practice is found to dramatically reduce carpal tunnel disability claims.

The Enterprise finds it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because of the limitations of their older version of Windows and are unable to get budget approval for the required upgrade.

As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from newly discovered life forms from once a week, to five days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the acronym RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).

Captain Piccard is ordered to attend sensitivity training after the ship's logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengi, Q, and the Romulans.

A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counselor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna Troi assuming responsibility for tactics and weapons systems, Data running sick bay, and Geordi at the helm. The ship is captured by an unarmed Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.

The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, in spite of saving the universe 52 times in the last year, they're still only getting 3% raises.