Jesus & The Elves

[Bumper]

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son, and wrapped him im in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them at the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be passing by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols are not allowed to land, or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there, near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges generally liked to be seen as being big on nature and surround it with deer or other woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to be on the safe side, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen too," he said. "No court can resist those homey touches."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons!" cried a young female activist, in an attempt to change the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to portray the plight of the downtrodden and homeless victims of a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained. "We're not downtrodden, homeless victims. The inn was full," protested Mary. "We just forgot to call ahead for reservations." "Whatever," said the illustrator.

Two nearby women began to argue fiercely. One said she had a moral objection to Jesus' birth, "Because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at the concept of virgin birth, but said that if it encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for it. "I'm not a single mother," Mary interjected, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict a babies' natural movement.

With the arrival of ten child advocates, all specially trained to recognize child abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments had broken out about how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and other non-religious seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate overly ecclesiastical character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two set decorators, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with the baby Jesus in the crib or merely standing on the side, doing a gymnastic routine like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the new arrival said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen in the picturesque backdrops of Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He distributed two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of traditional animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are unjustly incarcerated against their will. He expressed no opinion about the rights of elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "FREE THE BETHLEHEM 2" began to appear, referring to the apparently exploited ass and ox. Someone advanced the opinion that the halo on Jesus' head was an expression of a bourgeois elitist society, with an obvious lack of fashion sense. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she inquired of an elderly woman in the crowd. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as oppressing a disadvantaged excluded species, or perhaps to point out that our singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have foregone my recognition of patriarchal religiosity and aligned myself with some dumb, new-age Goddess cult?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to advise you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men appeared. The crowd gasped, "They're all male, and not representationally multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "That's true, and some small sign of progress, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was instantly formed to undertake a search for an impoverished, lesbian wise-person from the ranks of the handicapped of Bethlehem.

A calm voice interjected, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again, "There is one thing though. Religious observances are important, but we must learn to celebrate them in ways that unite people, rather than divide us. For instance, instead of all this business about "Gloria in Excelsus Deo," why not just, "Season's Greetings?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message ‘Hello, it's winter?" "That's unnecessarily harsh, Mary," replied the woman. "Remember, your boy could make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the religious thing too hard. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

[TeeZet]

So much for political correctness!

[TAPPY]

This is great