SantaCo

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Toy Tycoon Likes Tikes On Lap

North Pole -- In the wake of accusations of the sexual abuse of children by pop-star Michael Jackson, a former SantaCo employee has made startling allegations regarding the CEO of SantaCo, Santa Claus.

Roger Keebler, half-brother of the cookie mogul, and a long-time media bad boy, left SantaCo in November. Keebler, who leveled the accusations at a press conference last night, refused top detail the reasons for his departure from SantaCo. Though, in a written statement, he simply said that he left due to a disagreement over a claus (sic) in his contract and because it was "a matter of conscience."

Keebler claims that Claus (alias Kris Kringle) "likes to have little children sit on his lap and he promises them presents, including toys and pets." Keebler claims to have arranged liaisons for Claus. "The old pervert likes malls." Keebler said, "and he even had me take PICTURES!" Keebler further alleged that Claus would apparently "blackmail parents into buying the pictures, shamelessly threatening to display them in the mall."

A senior official at SantaCo has dismissed the allegations as scurrilous and unfounded, stating that they don't deserve to be distinguished by a response. He said of Claus "The man's a saint. He loves kids, there's nothing wrong with that."

Asked why Keebler left the company, the official explained that Keebler, who's trying to promote his rock band, frequently missed work or was late. Keebler was responsible for tending the company's herd of reindeer. The official said, "The reindeer seemed to be very nervous around Roger, particularly if he stood behind them.", but would comment no further.

Reindeer are a long-time symbol of SantaCo, and have been, in fact, the source of a great deal of controversy. In 1947, SantaCo leveled an unsuccessful multi-million dollar lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch, claiming that their having a team of Clydesdales pull a sleigh was an infringement of SantaCo's trademark.

When asked about the reindeer, Keebler became very emotional, at times having to pause to control his tears. He struggled to regain his composure, saying "The son-of-a-bitch loves venison." He claims that Claus would have him arrange late-night meals of "blitzen-burgers."

Though Keebler's lawyer, who was present at the news conference, advised him to say no more, he did proffer these words of advice: "Christmas Eve, go ahead and keep your chimney flue open, but lock the doors to your kids' rooms and to the liquor cabinet."

Claus himself was not available for comment, saying only that "This is his busiest time of year."