Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Winnipeg, Canada
Seems to me a lot of Peeps that frequent this board are obsessed with coffee. Just throw out the word "Starbucks" and we caffeine freaks crawl out of the woodwork like crazy. Generally to bad mouth the coffee chains, sing the praises of Java Joes or any number of coffee purveyors, both in Playa and our local areas. Just a tad compulsive, are we? Anyway, I remember posting the following before, but it seems to me it was quite a while back, so maybe it's worth throwing out there again, as I sit here sucking up my third or fourth cup of Joe on this Sunday morning.
You know you drink too much coffee when...
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house, and you don't work there.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can blend margaritas in your bare hands.
You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without booster cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition is "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy ½ & ½ in 45 gallon drums.
You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
You go to AA meetings for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap chocolate bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of stir sticks.
People get dizzy watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The "Taster's Choice" couple want to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your Lava Lamp.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone asks, "How are you?", you respond, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back in the next life as a coffee mug.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison just for the coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can be force fed coffee to sober you up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever having taken a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You cry over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favourite thing are...coffee before, and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and iced Cappuccino to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an I.V. hookup.
To help you determine if you really are letting coffee take over your life, the following test might prove beneficial;
Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
Do you find it's easier to drink more coffee than to go to sleep?
Do you ever drink cold - not "iced" - coffee?
Right out of the pot?
Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
Has anyone ever suggested you "have a problem" with coffee?
Do you need coffee:
...to get up in the morning?
...to get out of bed?
...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood flow?
Do aboriginal people call you "Ona Mac Towanda? (Smells Like Coffee)
Does the phrase "Swiss Water Decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?
Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room in your home?
...in more than five rooms?
...in the bathroom?
Do the people at Starbucks refuse to give you free coffee cards anymore?
...because you've worn out their hole punch?
...because the little plugs of paper are a threat to the environment?
Do you grind your own coffee?
Do you grow your own coffee?
Do you know Juan Valdez?
...and his donkey?
Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
Is sleep a mere hobby of yours?
...that you don't like?
...because it cuts into your coffee drinking time?
22 - 28 You are a well-rounded member of society with a great love for life.
15 - 21 You are a slightly jagged member of society. Your life is OK, but it could be better.
0 - 14 What are you, some sort of nature-freak tree hugger? Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some tofu. How about some herbal tea? You commie slime!
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!"