Blended Family Advice?

kayt707 · 05-08-2007

I've have a 10 year old step son who i love deeply, but lately we have been having a really tough time here. He has always been argumentative but it seems to risen to new heights recently. He argues everything from homework to chores to standard house rules to rules at school, why he should have to do them, why he should disobey them, why my husband and I shouldn't make them, everything. We have tried very hard to set straight forward rules and stay consistent but nothing seems to work and the arguments are building and affecting our household. I'm starting to get very aggrivated at going through the exact same thing everyday. I tell him what he needs to do or ask him if he has done things and get told I forgot or no but I just... I'm not unforgiving but it seems to me that I forgot can only go so far towards the truth when it's a rule that's been in effect for at least three years and we talk about everday. Sometimes I can tell him to go do something and 2 mins. later when I check to see if he's doing it he tells me that he forgot. He's an extremely bright kid, gets good grades most of the time even without putting in the effort he should, and is witty. When he's not fighting against us he is wonderful but lately all he's been doing is fighting us every step of the way. Anybody been in a similar situation, either blended family, or difficult child or any reformed difficult children that might be able to give me advice? I feel like I have run throughthe list on ways to cope with this and would love any input.

Luv2Dance · 05-08-2007

Why does he feel he should have no rules? Is it that he doesn't like rules in general or that he should be exempt?

kayt707 · 05-08-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luv2Dance

Why does he feel he should have no rules? Is it that he doesn't like rules in general or that he should be exempt?

I think that he feels he should be exempt. This is based on my oberservation only though.When I've tried to communicate he either shut down or he'll tell us what he thinks we want to hear but never knows whats behind it. Like he'll through out sorry really easily but if you ask him what he's apologizing for he never knows. I know that he likes other people to have rules because he likes to make everyone else follow the same rules he doesn't follow. And because He has a habit of making up rules that benifit him or do not apply to him and changing them has he goes to best affect him.

MaripositaII · 05-08-2007

Anything changed at home? School? Seems like something is causing him to be rebellious. Problems with friends that you know of? Being bullied in school?

Have you tried praising him for those things he is doing well? Rules you had three years ago might have been easier for him to follow since he was younger as well. He's in that pre-teen stage... no experience with blended families, only with being in the school system.

MikeW · 05-08-2007

Kids, gotta love them.

Do not argue with anyone under 25, you'll never win. Why? Because for them it's all about the argument and keeping the argument alive. That is how they win.
Are you and your husband together on this? Meaning, you guys support each other on this and on all rules. If either one of you gives even an inch on any rule that is attempting to be applied, if either spouse softens a position on a rule the kid is going to jump all over that and use it as part of a reason he doesn't have to do something. So you and your spouse must totally support each other and have the same rules, otherwise forget it.
Go back to number 1. Do not argue. Ask him when something will be done, make sure it is reasonable, say in 20 minutes.
If he wants to argue, stop him and get the timetable set. Walk away after getting the timetable set, do not argue with him.
Then come back in 20 minutes and make sure he did it. If not, remind him, he set the 20 minutes and make him do it at that moment.
Back to number 1. Do not argue (or reason) with him. If you do, he wins. If you want to win an argument with someone under 25, walk away, you win.
Mixed marriage makes it tougher. If you and your spouse don't always agree on how to deal with the kid, then you guys will need to discuss beforehand how to deal with a situation and come to an agreement on how to handle it.
Do not threaten consequences you will not follow through on.
Back to number 1 again. I can't stress enough, do not argue with a kid !!!!

It's a lot of work.

Luv2Dance · 05-08-2007

What happens to him when he doesn't follow your rules at home? Do you have a set consequence for him if he doesn't follow them? Do you and your husband unite in the decision of consequence?

kayt707 · 05-08-2007

My husband and i do support each other, anything one of us says goes for both. With the inevitable of natural miscommunication. Like won of us lets them do something while were out ( not ever the never things but the not all the time things) and one of us questions them and then if we get told that they had permission it stands. Always on the same idea of the punishment not always, I try to talk it over away from the child(remember we've got 2 and the little one is far from angelic) and come up with something. My husband tends to just rattle something off. which i back because it's already been said. That why i try to talk to him about before he's confronted with it.
And to the never argue with a child ...I try so hard not to.I have tried the walk away, I've tired telling him that's the end of it. I've tried creating checklists so i wouldn't have to be nagging him, i've tried gentle reminders,
i've tried scructure of guiding him one by one(but again i have a 3yo who as a very active toddler requires a fair amount of supervision, Like three is probably best, usually just me) nothing seems to stop it that why I'm here pleading for advise.

BethKen · 05-08-2007

[quote=kayt707]I've have a 10 year old step son I'm starting to get very aggrivated at going through the exact same thing everyday. I tell him what he needs to do or ask him if he has done things and get told I forgot or no but I just... I'm not unforgiving but it seems to me that I forgot can only go so far towards the truth when it's a rule that's been in effect for at least three years and we talk about everday. Sometimes I can tell him to go do something and 2 mins. later when I check to see if he's doing it he tells me that he forgot. He's an extremely bright kid, gets good grades most of the time even without putting in the effort he should, and is witty.

He is going through alot of changes with his age ( no excuse though)
Has he been tested for any ADD symptoms. You stated he was a bright child but it sounds like another kid I knew and that kid is now 18 and still has some trouble with it but had learned ways of remembering things. He was never medicated for this but he really didn't remember things all the time, some days he would know then later would forget and his grades were straight A's.

His would argue with people just because that gave him some control over his feelings and not being able to do any thing about them.

Maybe this isn't your case at all but it was my friends and once he was given advice on helping his self he has improved over the last 6 years.

MikeW · 05-08-2007

You and your husband get family counseling together.

kayt707 · 05-08-2007

[quote=BethKen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kayt707

I've have a 10 year old step son I'm starting to get very aggrivated at going through the exact same thing everyday. I tell him what he needs to do or ask him if he has done things and get told I forgot or no but I just... I'm not unforgiving but it seems to me that I forgot can only go so far towards the truth when it's a rule that's been in effect for at least three years and we talk about everday. Sometimes I can tell him to go do something and 2 mins. later when I check to see if he's doing it he tells me that he forgot. He's an extremely bright kid, gets good grades most of the time even without putting in the effort he should, and is witty.

He is going through alot of changes with his age ( no excuse though)
Has he been tested for any ADD symptoms. You stated he was a bright child but it sounds like another kid I knew and that kid is now 18 and still has some trouble with it but had learned ways of remembering things. He was never medicated for this but he really didn't remember things all the time, some days he would know then later would forget and his grades were straight A's.

His would argue with people just because that gave him some control over his feelings and not being able to do any thing about them.

Maybe this isn't your case at all but it was my friends and once he was given advice on helping his self he has improved over the last 6 years.

We have been taking him into see a counseler so maybe they be able to spot the warning signal(if there are any) for ADD. Just because I know that the way he remembers some thing that his memory is fine. I think that the I forgots are more"I didn't want to or it didn't seem important to me." Don't any one get me wrong I love this kid like I love my own, i know It seems like i'm harping on him but I wouldn't be asking for help if I didn't care so much

kayt707 · 05-08-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeW

You and your husband get family counseling together.

WE just got a referal today for one!

cuffedlinks · 05-08-2007

There is a successfulstepfamiles.com website.
Ron Deal.

But it very well might not be your cup o' tea....
But that isn't to say the priciples are invalid.

Jacko · 05-08-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeW

Kids, gotta love them.

Do not argue with anyone under 25, you'll never win. Why? Because for them it's all about the argument and keeping the argument alive. That is how they win.
Are you and your husband together on this? Meaning, you guys support each other on this and on all rules. If either one of you gives even an inch on any rule that is attempting to be applied, if either spouse softens a position on a rule the kid is going to jump all over that and use it as part of a reason he doesn't have to do something. So you and your spouse must totally support each other and have the same rules, otherwise forget it.
Go back to number 1. Do not argue. Ask him when something will be done, make sure it is reasonable, say in 20 minutes.
If he wants to argue, stop him and get the timetable set. Walk away after getting the timetable set, do not argue with him.
Then come back in 20 minutes and make sure he did it. If not, remind him, he set the 20 minutes and make him do it at that moment.
Back to number 1. Do not argue (or reason) with him. If you do, he wins. If you want to win an argument with someone under 25, walk away, you win.
Mixed marriage makes it tougher. If you and your spouse don't always agree on how to deal with the kid, then you guys will need to discuss beforehand how to deal with a situation and come to an agreement on how to handle it.
Do not threaten consequences you will not follow through on.
Back to number 1 again. I can't stress enough, do not argue with a kid !!!!

It's a lot of work.

Why do you do/say/act this way? Cuz, I'm the Dad...its what I do...

(I recognize it must be much harder with stepsons....the biological father MUST be the primary discipliner...its NEVER gonna work for you from what I hear)

Luv2Dance · 05-08-2007

My husband I worked together on a game plan for our son when he adopted my son and we have always backed each other up when we were in a situation where he would try to play us against each other. Sounds like your husband needs to step up and let son know that you both are guiding him with the rules set for his benefit. Son won't like it and most likely won't appreciate it but needs to be done none the less. There are things in our adult lives that we don't like having to do but we do them because we have rules as well. Best for him to learn to deal with this now rather than later.

TAPPY · 05-08-2007

All I can say is it does get better....it was my step daughters birthday (late 20s) last week and when she opened her present from us....She HUGGED me and told me that I always pick out the best presents for her because I know what she likes. And she did this in front of her Mother !!!
It will get better as they get older.

Be sure to hand out extra helpings of hugs and I love yous and compliments...kids need to hear all the good stuff over and over and over.

05-08-2007	#1 (permalink)
kayt707 añejo Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Alta Loma, Ca Posts: 6,286	Blended Family Advice? I've have a 10 year old step son who i love deeply, but lately we have been having a really tough time here. He has always been argumentative but it seems to risen to new heights recently. He argues everything from homework to chores to standard house rules to rules at school, why he should have to do them, why he should disobey them, why my husband and I shouldn't make them, everything. We have tried very hard to set straight forward rules and stay consistent but nothing seems to work and the arguments are building and affecting our household. I'm starting to get very aggrivated at going through the exact same thing everyday. I tell him what he needs to do or ask him if he has done things and get told I forgot or no but I just... I'm not unforgiving but it seems to me that I forgot can only go so far towards the truth when it's a rule that's been in effect for at least three years and we talk about everday. Sometimes I can tell him to go do something and 2 mins. later when I check to see if he's doing it he tells me that he forgot. He's an extremely bright kid, gets good grades most of the time even without putting in the effort he should, and is witty. When he's not fighting against us he is wonderful but lately all he's been doing is fighting us every step of the way. Anybody been in a similar situation, either blended family, or difficult child or any reformed difficult children that might be able to give me advice? I feel like I have run throughthe list on ways to cope with this and would love any input.

05-08-2007	#5 (permalink)
MikeW añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Moorpark, CA Posts: 9,025	Kids, gotta love them. Do not argue with anyone under 25, you'll never win. Why? Because for them it's all about the argument and keeping the argument alive. That is how they win. Are you and your husband together on this? Meaning, you guys support each other on this and on all rules. If either one of you gives even an inch on any rule that is attempting to be applied, if either spouse softens a position on a rule the kid is going to jump all over that and use it as part of a reason he doesn't have to do something. So you and your spouse must totally support each other and have the same rules, otherwise forget it. Go back to number 1. Do not argue. Ask him when something will be done, make sure it is reasonable, say in 20 minutes. If he wants to argue, stop him and get the timetable set. Walk away after getting the timetable set, do not argue with him. Then come back in 20 minutes and make sure he did it. If not, remind him, he set the 20 minutes and make him do it at that moment. Back to number 1. Do not argue (or reason) with him. If you do, he wins. If you want to win an argument with someone under 25, walk away, you win. Mixed marriage makes it tougher. If you and your spouse don't always agree on how to deal with the kid, then you guys will need to discuss beforehand how to deal with a situation and come to an agreement on how to handle it. Do not threaten consequences you will not follow through on. Back to number 1 again. I can't stress enough, do not argue with a kid !!!! It's a lot of work.

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05-08-2007	#2 (permalink)
Luv2Dance añejo Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 12,402	Why does he feel he should have no rules? Is it that he doesn't like rules in general or that he should be exempt?

05-08-2007	#4 (permalink)
MaripositaII añejo Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 3,309	Anything changed at home? School? Seems like something is causing him to be rebellious. Problems with friends that you know of? Being bullied in school? Have you tried praising him for those things he is doing well? Rules you had three years ago might have been easier for him to follow since he was younger as well. He's in that pre-teen stage... no experience with blended families, only with being in the school system.

05-08-2007	#6 (permalink)
Luv2Dance añejo Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 12,402	What happens to him when he doesn't follow your rules at home? Do you have a set consequence for him if he doesn't follow them? Do you and your husband unite in the decision of consequence?

05-08-2007	#7 (permalink)
kayt707 añejo Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Alta Loma, Ca Posts: 6,286	My husband and i do support each other, anything one of us says goes for both. With the inevitable of natural miscommunication. Like won of us lets them do something while were out ( not ever the never things but the not all the time things) and one of us questions them and then if we get told that they had permission it stands. Always on the same idea of the punishment not always, I try to talk it over away from the child(remember we've got 2 and the little one is far from angelic) and come up with something. My husband tends to just rattle something off. which i back because it's already been said. That why i try to talk to him about before he's confronted with it. And to the never argue with a child ...I try so hard not to.I have tried the walk away, I've tired telling him that's the end of it. I've tried creating checklists so i wouldn't have to be nagging him, i've tried gentle reminders, i've tried scructure of guiding him one by one(but again i have a 3yo who as a very active toddler requires a fair amount of supervision, Like three is probably best, usually just me) nothing seems to stop it that why I'm here pleading for advise.

05-08-2007	#8 (permalink)
BethKen beachaholic Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Middletown ohio Posts: 332	[quote=kayt707]I've have a 10 year old step son I'm starting to get very aggrivated at going through the exact same thing everyday. I tell him what he needs to do or ask him if he has done things and get told I forgot or no but I just... I'm not unforgiving but it seems to me that I forgot can only go so far towards the truth when it's a rule that's been in effect for at least three years and we talk about everday. Sometimes I can tell him to go do something and 2 mins. later when I check to see if he's doing it he tells me that he forgot. He's an extremely bright kid, gets good grades most of the time even without putting in the effort he should, and is witty. He is going through alot of changes with his age ( no excuse though) Has he been tested for any ADD symptoms. You stated he was a bright child but it sounds like another kid I knew and that kid is now 18 and still has some trouble with it but had learned ways of remembering things. He was never medicated for this but he really didn't remember things all the time, some days he would know then later would forget and his grades were straight A's. His would argue with people just because that gave him some control over his feelings and not being able to do any thing about them. Maybe this isn't your case at all but it was my friends and once he was given advice on helping his self he has improved over the last 6 years.

05-08-2007	#9 (permalink)
MikeW añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Moorpark, CA Posts: 9,025	You and your husband get family counseling together.

05-08-2007	#12 (permalink)
cuffedlinks añejo Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: The City of Presidents Posts: 16,003	There is a successfulstepfamiles.com website. Ron Deal. But it very well might not be your cup o' tea.... But that isn't to say the priciples are invalid.

05-08-2007	#14 (permalink)
Luv2Dance añejo Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 12,402	My husband I worked together on a game plan for our son when he adopted my son and we have always backed each other up when we were in a situation where he would try to play us against each other. Sounds like your husband needs to step up and let son know that you both are guiding him with the rules set for his benefit. Son won't like it and most likely won't appreciate it but needs to be done none the less. There are things in our adult lives that we don't like having to do but we do them because we have rules as well. Best for him to learn to deal with this now rather than later.

05-08-2007	#15 (permalink)
TAPPY añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Louisiana Posts: 14,898	All I can say is it does get better....it was my step daughters birthday (late 20s) last week and when she opened her present from us....She HUGGED me and told me that I always pick out the best presents for her because I know what she likes. And she did this in front of her Mother !!! It will get better as they get older. Be sure to hand out extra helpings of hugs and I love yous and compliments...kids need to hear all the good stuff over and over and over.

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