Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Winnipeg, Canada
The Ultimate Texan Test - Part I
You score points for every statement below that applies to you. You will notice that some items have double points, because they count in more than one category. In other words, if you "have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education," you get 10 points in the car category and another 10 under education for 20 total points.
The Texan Test for Cars and Trucks
1 Point: You've ever parked a vehicle in a tree. (2 points if it was a Camaro)
1 Point: You have a rag for a gas cap. (2 points if you regularly drive the car)
1 Point: You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. (2 points if it has been there for more than a month, 3 points if more than 3 months. Continue to add 1 point each month.)
2 Points: You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
2 Points: Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray. (Add one more for each additional color)
2 Points: The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
2 Points: When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. (Double points: Car & Booze = 4 total)
5 Points: You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
5 Points: You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it in prison. (Double points: Car & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: You mow your lawn and find a car. (Add 5 points for each additional car you find.)
5 Points: There is more than one car up on blocks in the front yard. (Double points: Car & Home Decorating = 10 total per car)
10 Points: You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. (Double points: Car & Education = 20 total)
Jeffroe Hatfield holds the high score for this section at 221 points. Jeffroe mowed his lawn last summer and discovered 4 trucks and 3 cars. (6 were actually in the grass. One was a Camero in a tree that he could not see because the grass was that high.) Four had hefty bags in the passenger windows and 6 had rags for gas caps. He poured gin in their gas tanks, but could only get one to start. He put wide rear tires on that one along with the license plate that his father made. He plans to haul hay bales in it. The rest he put up on blocks in the front yard and has partially painted with primer. Jeffroe Hatfield says, "Ya'll forget that book learnin' in an hour, but a good truck … now thar's somethin' a man can be proud of."
The Texan Dogs, Hunting and Road Kill Test
2 Points: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. (Double points: Dog & Hygiene = 4 total)
2 Points: Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 4 total)
5 Points: You have forgotten which coat is sprayed in deer-pee, and worn it to church.
5 Points: You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total)
5 Points: You and your friends sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. (Triple points: Hunting, Entertainment & Friends = 5 points per person)
5 Points: You've ever tried to hit a deer with your vehicle ... on purpose! (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total)
10 Points: If you succeeded in hitting a deer with your vehicle … again on purpose. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 20 total)
20 Points: You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
Bubba McCow is top gun in this category with 102 points. Bubba's Christmas rituals are legendary. Every year (after he gives both his Grandma's ammo), Bubba and his 3 buddies climb up on the roof with their shotguns and a case of PBR beer in hopes of bagging Rudolf. This eventually led to his wife, Maycee, to ask for a divorce. She sued for custody of their 2 prize hunting dogs. Now he hunts with his 1976 Chevy Bonanza truck … no gun … no dogs … just the truck. Maycee says, "Christmas was a annual nightmare. Those idiots shot out every light in the trailer park. But those 3 stuffed skunks in the bedroom … I couldn't sleep … Their presence permeated the house all year long."
The Texan Education Guide
2 Points: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
2 Points: The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". (Double Points: Education & Decorating = 4 total)
5 Points: Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. (Double Points: Education & Family = 10 total)
20 Points: You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty
25-year-old Sherwood Fleabalm is the most recent individual to rack up the 36 possible points in this section. After completing 6th grade last year, Mr. Fleabalm went to work at Larry's Lube Shop, but they all felt he was "snooty, " because he had so much education. He recently graduated from the Texas School of Trucking and Cosmetology. Sherwood says, "Ah tell awl ma cousins ta git a good ed-joo-cay-shun."
The Texan Entertainment Challenge
1 Point: You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high diving board.
1 Point: The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
1 Point: You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
1 Point: You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. (Double Points: Cars & Entertainment = 2 total)
5 Points: You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
5 Points: You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
5 Points: You've been too drunk to fish. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 10 total)
5 Points: You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. (Double Points: Alcohol & Entertainment = 10 total)
10 Points: You celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!)
10 Points: You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
20 Points: You win the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Clyde Calpepper, holder of the top score (75 points) in this category, has wide ranging interests: Conrad Twitty, wrestling, and stock car racing to name a few. For winning the Groundhog Day Spittin' Contest last year, he received 2 C.B.s, a bug-zapper, a year's supply of beer and a trip to Sea World. Clyde says, "Ah bean too drunk ta walk, but dis was da first time I ever bean too drunk ta fish. Else ah wooda got me one of dem Or-a-kin fish."
The Texan Food and Booze Test
1 Point: You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
1 Point: You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are major food groups.
1 Point: You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
1 Point: You've made a pyramid of beer cans. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Points: You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
2 Points: You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
2 Points: Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
5 Points: You have lost one tooth opening a beer bottle. (Double Points: Booze & Hygiene = 10 total points for each tooth)
5 Points: Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. (Triple Points: Booze, Family & Entertainment = 15 total)
10 Points: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
10 Points: Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 20 total)
10 Points: You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. (Triple Points: Hunting, Food & Truck = 30 total)
10 Points: Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. (Triple Points: Hygiene, Dogs & Food= 30 total)
Thelma Lou Eisenmeyer's (80 Points )beer can collection draws tourists from 7 counties, so she decided to put in a concession stand serving barbequed Spam on a cracker, beef jerky, Moon Pies, pork & beans and beer. Sometimes, she'll even serves deer burgers, if her brother "gets lucky." She rents Styrofoam containers for those who want to carry out and dreams of expanding her little restaurant into a KFC and liquor store. Thelma Lou says, "Da Ul-ti-matTexan Test is da most ex-sight-in' thang that's ever heppen to me. The onlyest thang that would could be betta, is to meet Mr. Jack Daniels hisself."
The Texan Friends and Family Test
1 Point: You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
1 Point: Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Point: A ceiling fan has ever ruined your female family member's hairdo.
2 Points: Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. (Double Points: Family & Car = 4 total)
5 Points: Your spouse or child weighs more then your refrigerator.
5 Points per Relative: A living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
5 Points: You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
5 Points: Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it." (Triple Points: Family, Hygiene & Entertainment = 15 total)
10 Points: Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
10 Points: Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 20 total)
20 Points: You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
20 Points: Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Jeff Davis, a real family man, holds the high point honors (101) in this category. Every weekend he goes with his mother, tag-team wrestler Super-Sized Dolly, and his son, Jeff Davis Junior, to the zoo or the racetrack. Jeff's neighbors say. "His gene pool doesn't have a ‘deep end' and his family tree doesn't fork." Jeff replies, "There's nothing wrong with marrying your cousin. After all, my sister married her uncle." Super-Sized Dolly says, "Jeff Boy! Git that tooth pick out a yar mouth!" Jeff Junior adds, "Ah am proud a ma pa, "cause he dumps the biggest turds in the county."
To Be Continued...
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a pristine, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally used up and worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...what a ride!!"
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Mexico City, Mexico
You will have an easy hunting, he drives the old van and your truck easily outruns it because the double carbureators and double wide rear tires,
Also with the big rifle you always carry between your front seats, you can make a nice bullet hole in those skinny tires of Bumper's Van.
.... Did I told you that I run very fast? .... specially when scared to dead...