Groaners

[Bumper]

An Australian outback farmer decided one day that he would dispose of all his cattle to generate a cash reserve to see him through a predicted drought. He contacted a cattle buyer who examined the animals and set a price. Convinced that the quoted price was far too low, the farmer decided he could do better by offering the cattle at auction at the district fair. During the sale, the cows broke loose and trampled a gate leading to a tent where a local band was performing "Waltzing Matilda." The agitated herd milled around the uniformed musicians in confusion, but fortunately no one was injured. The rowdy crowd from the livestock auction followed the animals into the tent, and good naturedly cheered them on. When the cattle were brought under control again, the auction resumed. By then, they had gained so much attention that they sold for over twice as much as had originally been offered. This surely proves that...a herd in the band is worth two in the bush.

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It was Hallowe'en and three vampires entered a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have? The bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," responded the third.

"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

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Declining church attendance has been a problem for some time now. With this in mind, and in hopes of increasing participation, many churches are trying new and innovative schemes to attract more patrons. In order to keep up with the current trend and interest in improving physical fitness, many churches are offering workout facilities to their parishioners.

They're calling it the God and Run Club.

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Anaheim Mighty Dick superstar, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father visit him recently to watch him play. In honour of the occasion, his good friend, goalie Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the famed local Scandinavian restaurant - Gustav's, where the noted chef, Anders Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne's favourite Finnish dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducks team and staff, representatives of the Disney organization and Orange County dignitaries attended, with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck's net-minder. It was a huge success. The Orange County Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of the father, the son and the goalie host.

[Gus]

MORE MORE!

Anyone know why mice have small balls??....not many of them know how to dance.

[Scaramouche]

OUCH!!

[Bumper]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink.

After a few minutes, a tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns that big white horse with the fancy saddle outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood, hitched up his gun belt, and replied, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just though you'd like to know the poor animal is just about dead out there."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside to the hitching post, and sure enough, Silver was about ready to die from heat exhaustion. They fetched water for the horse, and soon the animal was starting to feel better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "I'd feel a lot better if we could make Silver more comfortable. Too bad there isn't a breeze to help keep him cool. Tonto, I want you to run around the horse, and see if you can create enough air movement to refresh him."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait to see if the action worked, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later another cowboy enters the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger quickly gets to his feet again and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, near as I can tell, but you left your injun runnin'"

[Bumper]

A university creative writing class was given the assignment to write a concise essay containing these four elements:


• Religion

• Royalty

• Sex

• Mystery


The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

[Bumper]

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek God of wine, had thrown a part for a pair of visiting Roman deities - Ceres, the Goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced God of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid the grape, more or less. Ceres, at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally under the influence, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, injuring themselves, so he rushed to their side to steady and support the unstable twosome.

This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

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There was a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks had taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot enters and chants, "Good morning."

The monks chant in reply, "Good morning."

They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good evening."

The monks all reply in unison, "Good evening." Not another word is spoken until the next morning.

Several years ago, one of the monks decided he had to break up the monotony of this routine. The next morning, when the head abbot chanted, "Good morning," all the monks responded, "Good morning," except the one bored monk who, hiding his identity from the other monks, chanted, "Good evening."

Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply, "Someone chanted evening. He must be a stranger."

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The chief of a poor Native American tribe, living in a desolate location with no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved and was finally able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.

Arriving back home after completing his education, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to his bed, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Leaving the hut, he proceeded down the path to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights to brighten the way.

The next day, the son decided to put his training to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with illumination for the path leading to it. The project was soon completed and was an immediate success. The chief's son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

[Dale]

Originally Posted by Bumper

Anaheim Mighty Dick superstar, Teemu Selanne.......

Are you an old Jets fan or what??????

[Bumper]

It seems like in 1998 or so, the air pollution in London had become so severe that it was starting to kill off much of the urban wildlife. Particularly hard hit were some bird species, especially the famous rook population. The city government was very concerned because the rooks, roosting on the cornices and in many of the small crannies of the public buildings of the inner city are a big attraction. The Yanks with their Kodaks, if you catch my drift. So the council asked, "What are we going to do about this situation?"

A committee gathered a lot of literature about locations with climate very similar to that of London, hoping that they can arrange to have rooks raised there, while they deal with the pollution problems in their city. They determine that one place with a great deal in common with London - climatically speaking - and with a very low pollution index, is Bangor, Maine. So they put an ad in the Bangor newspaper targeted to bird fanciers, and seek help from the local Audubon Society in locating candidates. Eventually, they enter into an agreement with an eminently qualified fellow to raise rooks for them at a price of $50,000 a year. They quickly dispatch a British ornithologist, on a charteded Concorde, with two cases of fertile rook eggs carefully packed in shatterproof climate controlled cases.

So, this enterprising fellow has a new business, North American Rook Farms Inc. He instantly goes to work incubating new rooks so London can avoid the unthinkable possibility of becoming a rookless city. The only thing is, the London City Council is really impatient, and every day they send him a telegram that says..."Bred any good rooks lately?"

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This is a story about the famous Chinese warlord, General Fu Man Chu, who chose to try conquering Siberia during the winter. One of the defending Siberian generals had spies who would make their way up into the mountains, spy on the invading Chinese, and return with information about the state of the attackers. During one night, there was a terrible blizzard, and the notorious Chu was reported to have died from the cold.

The messenger returned to the Siberian general's camp and reported, "Many are cold, but Chu is frozen."

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There once was a king who was loved by all his subjects, especially for the numerous hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As will happen, the king eventually passed away, and his eldest son assumed the throne.

Now this new king was an animal lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing in the kingdom. His subjects accepted this for only a short while before they finally rose up and ousted him. This was truly a significant event, because it was the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

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A fellow checks into a Las Vegas hotel. The bellman shows him to his room and hands him his key. The chap gives the bellman a sizeable tip and asks him, "Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes and send them up to my room?"

The bellman replies, "Yes, sir. Right away, sir."

The guest says, "Now, they HAVE to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And send lots of them."

"Yessir!"

A little later, girls started appearing at the door of his room. He welcomes them all in. It turns out he's a vampire. He drinks their blood and, then, throws their lifeless bodies off the balcony. In the course of bringing in other guest's luggage, the bellman is hit several times by the falling corpses. He reports this to the manager, who calls the police. The police arrive and question the bellman, asking him, "What's going on?"

He replies, "All I know is DRAINED WOPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD."

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Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they were returning to college and would soon be graduating and going their separate ways, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place, and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been, two decades before. They walked into the now unfamiliar woods and before long came across a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"

The other replied, "No, it's not."

The first responded, "Yes, it is. I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side of the stream."

To which the other man answered, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."

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One of the contenders seen at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo competing in the Giant Slalom event. Unfortunately, he wasn't very good and just kept getting in the way of the other skiers. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian!

[alive&well]

Just got this in a e-mail and thought it was good enough to share...
ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC
SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes ......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

John / Buck/Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

[alive&well]