Making Coupledom Work Well

[Susie Q Roo]

Originally Posted by ElvisP

All the posts have some valuable advise, however, there are situations when love dies out, I know. Here's when things get very complicated. Say you have a wonderful child or children and the dead sparks are only one sided. Is it good to stay for the sake of the kids? Don't the kids read between the lines? would they rather have 2 happy (separated) parents, or 2 very unhappy parents together?

I think people think about this things more often when they are about to turn 30,40 or maybe 50. Now we start looking at another decade ahead of us.

What's your take?

I personally think kids need two happy parents, regardless of whether they're together or not. I also think it's irresponsible to let your children see a bad relationship and think that's what it's supposed to be like. Better for them to see how a single person makes a happy life for themselves, then how two married people make one another miserable. Of course, a lot of this depends on outside factors as well. If they're older, and the issues can be discussed with them, and the living arrangements are amicable, then staying together as a practicality might work better. Definitely gotta be a situational decision. (Though never at the risk of any one person's mental or physical health.)

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by StewartG

Gotta love those IT guys.


They get SOOOO discombobulated when women are around!

I used to work with a whole floor of them. Believe me, they get even MORE discombobulated when a woman out GEEKS them.

[MWC]

Originally Posted by ElvisP

All the posts have some valuable advise, however, there are situations when love dies out, I know. Here's when things get very complicated. Say you have a wonderful child or children and the dead sparks are only one sided. Is it good to stay for the sake of the kids? Don't the kids read between the lines? would they rather have 2 happy (separated) parents, or 2 very unhappy parents together?

I think people think about this things more often when they are about to turn 30,40 or maybe 50. Now we start looking at another decade ahead of us.

What's your take?

Unless it's an abusive situation between the spouses -- stay together for the kids. I know it means someone putting THEIR dreams on hold, but a divorce-out-of-the-blue wrecks children, it truly does. I've seen it in the kids in our school system, and in kids my kids are friends with. SO much of the kids' character is built on the security of the home and two parents who love them.

Like H. Ross Perot said, if you don't get your kids right, nothing else really matters. He is a kook in so many other ways, but on this issue he is spot on.

[farmgirl]

Originally Posted by ElvisP

All the posts have some valuable advise, however, there are situations when love dies out, I know. Here's when things get very complicated. Say you have a wonderful child or children and the dead sparks are only one sided. Is it good to stay for the sake of the kids? Don't the kids read between the lines? would they rather have 2 happy (separated) parents, or 2 very unhappy parents together?

I think people think about this things more often when they are about to turn 30,40 or maybe 50. Now we start looking at another decade ahead of us.

What's your take?

I've seen two sides to this one. The one where they are still together, the kids are having alot of problems (mid-teens). Mom decided at 40 that she had missed alot and started doing what she wanted, kind of left her family behind. They still live together, but it is very apparant that something is wrong. My other friends husband, also at 40, decided being a dad wasn't all that great and he left. Needless to say after 2 years he wants to see the kids again and they want nothing to do with him. She has remarried and life is good.
For myself, we have been married for 20 years and so far so good. We have our moments, I've even gotten my suitcases out ready to leave. But things always seem to get better. We seem to fight more when money is tight, which is often in the farming game. I think communication is most important. Talk about what's going on, even the little things cause they can become big things if you get angry down the road. Don't take each other for granted. I have friends who have lost spouses and they say it's the little things they miss the most like morning coffee together, smells, things like that. Try and have some away from each other time, like someone else said, you will appreciate each other more. I think going out on dates is important too. We don't get out as much as we should, but it sure is nice when we do. Just getting away from the kids and having us time is so important. If things truly aren't working, don't be afraid to call it quits, I think it is better for everyone involved to be honest, besides, kids are smart at all ages and you would be amazed at what they can pick up on.

[horizon200]

Originally Posted by MWC

Unless it's an abusive situation between the spouses -- stay together for the kids. I know it means someone putting THEIR dreams on hold, but a divorce-out-of-the-blue wrecks children, it truly does. I've seen it in the kids in our school system, and in kids my kids are friends with. SO much of the kids' character is built on the security of the home and two parents who love them.

Like H. Ross Perot said, if you don't get your kids right, nothing else really matters. He is a kook in so many other ways, but on this issue he is spot on.

Interesting turn here...Has anyone noticed with their older kids what seems like a normal occurance of fighting with their S.O.?
In our crowd of friends, most of our kids are older (college and above) We have watched them grow through HS and college and ultimately into marriage. Their relationships and those of their freinds seem to have a completely different dynamic form those of our generation. Arguments over the most trivial things seem almost normal to them.
Why is that? It's definately not what they were raised with. Where did this phenomenon come from? Has divorce and separation become so status quo that it has permeated our kids society? Just random thoughts...please continue.

[Rissask]

Originally Posted by jamesblonde

I was just pokin' fun at you I wasn't offended.

Kevin had a fishing trip in Alaska planned while I am going to Vegas with the girls. He got a call about 2 hours ago that one of the guys he was going with hit an elk last night, was pinned in his truck all night. They found him this morning, alive, but with a broken back. His trip is off. I'm just sick.

OMG...that is just terrible. Poor guy.

All the posts have some valuable advise, however, there are situations when love dies out, I know. Here's when things get very complicated. Say you have a wonderful child or children and the dead sparks are only one sided. Is it good to stay for the sake of the kids? Don't the kids read between the lines? would they rather have 2 happy (separated) parents, or 2 very unhappy parents together?

Tough call...I think it varies from situation to situation. Depending on things like the kid's personality and resili ence,and how the parents handle the situation.

My parents waited until I left home at 18 before they split. I often say I wish they would have gotten divorced earlier. I could tell something was wrong and the marriage was unhappy....but am I better off because they stayed together, hard to tell now. I think they would have been better off together had the split up earlier- and there is some guilt there that they stayed together for my sake. So hard to say.

EDIT:
I think I agree with Susie overall,here:

I personally think kids need two happy parents, regardless of whether they're together or not. I also think it's irresponsible to let your children see a bad relationship and think that's what it's supposed to be like.

I think modeling a bad marriage for your kids is a terrible lesson for them...on the other hand, some people fake it well, but what a life.

[MWC]

Originally Posted by horizon200

Interesting turn here...Has anyone noticed with their older kids what seems like a normal occurance of fighting with their S.O.?
In our crowd of friends, most of our kids are older (college and above) We have watched them grow through HS and college and ultimately into marriage. Their relationships and those of their freinds seem to have a completely different dynamic form those of our generation. Arguments over the most trivial things seem almost normal to them.
Why is that? It's definately not what they were raised with. Where did this phenomenon come from? Has divorce and separation become so status quo that it has permeated our kids society? Just random thoughts...please continue.

I think I grew up in a much more stoic society that what I see now. I would say that a more happy medium between that stoicism and today's self-expression could be struck. I know that I am NOT unhappy to see my daughters speak up for themselves on issues where I remember myself at their age "just shutting up and sucking it up".

I tend to shy away from conflict, and I don't think that's always healthy for me, and for my relationships. SO a little kvetching is good, but don't take it to extremes.

[farmgirl]

I think it is so true, women do speak up more now then ever, and rightly so. I know I am an equal partner in both of our businesses and my dh values my opinion. I am not just the suzy homemaker that most of our mothers were.
I think another problem for some is that divorce is just too easy. Some couples just don't even try to overcome the hurdles in a marriage. Please don't get me wrong, I realize alot of people do try, and thank god for you divorce is an option, i'm not trying to say that you didn't try if you are divorced. I just feel that it is alot easier to get a divorce now then it used to be and alot jump to that option way to fast.

[JudyBluEyes]

Hey Susie, I thought this might help answer your questions...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe
box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

[ami]

Originally Posted by JudyBluEyes

Hey Susie, I thought this might help answer your questions...

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe
box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

[queencityfan]

Judy, you have officially made my day!

Too funny. Hope to meet up next week.

Sharon

[Susie Q Roo]

Originally Posted by JudyBluEyes

...because I don't know how to crochet.

Neither do I.

[syl]

JUDY..you made my day too!!!

[Kami]

Originally Posted by Susie Q Roo

How do you and yours do it? What do you think the secret is to a successful and happy relationship?

EDIT: Not how do you do *IT* btw!

Adopt the 24 hour rule. If it was not important 24+ hours ago then it should not be brought back up. This prevents Dave and I from bringing up "old" issues when we are arguing or discussing something and allows us to focus on the subect at hand.
Also, when arguing or discussing a topic, NEVER say, "You always" or "You never"...nothing good can come out of these little words.
Always remember that usually the only reason people yell at each other is because they feel as though the other person is not listening.
Seems to work for us but what the heck...we've only been married 1-1/2 years!