How do you handle difficult family changes? - Page 2

Rissask · 10-31-2007

Not much to add....I have had a few similar situations, my parents split after 24 years of marriage when I was 18, I was divorced at 28 which shook my parents up quite a bit too.

I know I wasn't sad to see my ex go ("don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!" was my basic feeling on that

) but I did miss his sister and brothers afterward - NOT his mom though!

It was a little tough not being able to talk to them anymore, and not even really getting to say goodbye, just a sudden yank and it was done, like Taps said, I 'divorced' them as well. If we had been closer or if we had children things would been different, and more difficult.

Don't worry too much about the reasons she had, sometimes there isn't a specific 'reason'. You don't need to have an abusive or otherwise horrible marriage (I didn't) to want to have a better one (which I certainly do now

).

Just accept it and support and love your sister unconditionally through this, while still remaining neutral, that is my best advice.

kayt707 · 10-31-2007

I dont have personal experience in this but I know people who have had splits like this. Stand by your sister and let her know that you love and support her. That does not mean though that you have to cut him out of your family. It may not be easy but its important. Especially for your nephew. That way he doesnt have to feel like he has to chose sides or that his whole family is falling apart.
My mom and my sisters mom somehow managed to put aside their issues to make sure that we girls were raised together. Not really the same thing but its about keeping a family feeling for the kids. I have worked very hard to try and form a bond with my stepsons mom and grandma( and there were a lot of issues surrounding both sides of the family). Sky always had moms side and dads side and no common ground. I have started to include them in our celebrations and such and help sky make mothers day gifts, birthday cards, etc. for them. Its the first time hes had time with all his family, mine,matts and his moms. I think its important for him to have that. It takes him out of the middle of things and to me showing respect and kindness to his mom and grandma I am telling him that I respect all sides of him.

Obviously you should make sure your sister knows you support her but that you want to keep contact with her ex if for nothing else but the sake of her child. Two separate homes and families is tough enough without added pressure of family tensions.

pamplemoose77 · 10-31-2007

when i split from my ex in '02, my family did not handle it well. the fact that you're even thinking about how to handle it is a step up from their reaction

both of our families had been close since we were in jr. high, so it was tough. i knew when i made the decision to walk away that my life would come crumbling down and everyone would be pissed... i was right. my parents didn't talk to me for 4mos.. my sister didn't talk to me for 6mos... my ex FIL just said his first words to me this year after finding out i was pregnant... he had held out for 5 years! impressive, eh?!

i don't think there's a perfect/right way to do it... but not being there for her is definitely the "wrong" way... good luck with all the birthdays and holidays! they are definitely harder when things are up in the air!

Kricket · 10-31-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by pamplemoose77

when i split from my ex in '02, my family did not handle it well. the fact that you're even thinking about how to handle it is a step up from their reaction

both of our families had been close since we were in jr. high, so it was tough. i knew when i made the decision to walk away that my life would come crumbling down and everyone would be pissed... i was right. my parents didn't talk to me for 4mos.. my sister didn't talk to me for 6mos... my ex FIL just said his first words to me this year after finding out i was pregnant... he had held out for 5 years! impressive, eh?!

i don't think there's a perfect/right way to do it... but not being there for her is definitely the "wrong" way... good luck with all the birthdays and holidays! they are definitely harder when things are up in the air!

I agree...it totally sux when family "checks-out" on you...had it happen to me and couldn't believe it as I would never do that to anyone. But, once again, in the end everything works out.

MWC · 10-31-2007

It's horrible when your own parents turn on you. My niece went through some personal problems that culminated in a divorce, and her parents sided with her husband the whole way, and became quite nasty and aggressive about it, and tried to drag the whole rest of the family onto their "team." .

I cannot see doing that to your own child, and my relationship with them (the parents, who are inlaws) has never been the same since, and never will be.

raquelle261 · 10-31-2007

Like the others have said Andi, I applaud your attitude and that you are even thinking about how is best or not to handle this.

One thing I can add is that I have been in the shoes that your nephew is now in. My parents split up when I was 8yo and (cemented even more by my dad dying 2 years later) after the divorce, although I still saw my dad, unfortunately the 2 extended families went completely separate ways. It wasn't until 20 years later that I next had contact with my dad's side of the family. I don't love them any less despite those missing years, although I wish more than anything we hadn't lost them, and as an adult I fully understand how these situations happen. As a child, however, my thought process was entirely different.

So, and I am sure anyway you are going to do this, whatever happens between the adults in the relationships, please do not lose contact with your nephew.

Hope it all works out for you. x

farmgirl · 10-31-2007

Something that my brother has had to deal with which didn't happen right away but actually many years later, is that his kids are very angry with him for leaving them and their mom for another women. It didn't work out and she has never been in their life, but he did remarry later and had another child and that one didn't work out. It was after that divorce that the first 2 kids quit speaking to him. I think it is very hard for kids and even us adults to understand why things happen. I don't believe that it is ever one persons fault, but they do blame my brother. Sadly we did to at first, we were so hurt and angry with him, but I guess none of us ever lived with his wife to know just what it was like to live with someone everyone thought was so perfect. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I think the biggest thing your nephew will need right now is support to know that no one blames anyone and especially not him. It is no ones fault, things just happen for what ever reason and he will need reasurance of that. Sometimes it isn't even something bad that caused it, people change and we grow out of love sometimes. It seems your sister seems to think it is her decision, I think she has to be careful with that around her son, it might come back to haunt her sometime down the road.

Andiline · 11-01-2007

Thank you all very much for your thoughts, comments and advise. I had the mother of all headaches yesterday which is why I didn't answer sooner. Looks like I am on the 'right' track (if there is anything like that). I'll call her later today to ask how she is as today is her first day without him. And I'll have to talk to my parents as I think they need me right now. We probably have to take it one day at a time right now.... I wasn't really THAT close to my BIL (like we talk on the phone every day) we talked when we met and helped each other out when there was something to do so I will not start calling him now. Would look weird.

Andrea

TAPPY · 11-01-2007

Is it possible to divorce your siblings ???

...cause right now I am feeling like I would like to do just that.

What is it about brothers who cant help out when a parent is sick ???

I am fighting the urge to blast them !

Rissask · 11-01-2007

sorry you are going through that Taps.

It sure seems as if daughters are the ones who end up look after the aging parents most often.

farmgirl · 11-01-2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by TAPPY

Is it possible to divorce your siblings ???

...cause right now I am feeling like I would like to do just that.

What is it about brothers who cant help out when a parent is sick ???

I am fighting the urge to blast them !

I'm sorry to hear that Tappy. I know in our home, my husband just cannot handle it when people are sick or sad. He has been trained to not show emotion, maybe some of the problem with alot of men. Takes a special guy to be able to handle aging parents. Not saying that makes it fair, but maybe why they aren't helping you. I know my mother inlaw has been in the nursing home for over 3 years now with alzheimers, he has maybe been into see her 5 times!

Not good, but I can understand. I make a point of being there for her though even though she has no clue who any of us are. My husbands family had a falling out since his oldest brother died about the same time, so I really don't care if we are helping the only sister out with her care, I do it for my MIL. I know he had the same trouble visiting his dying brother. When he did, he would cry and he just couldn't handle. So I took on that job too and it was tough but his family needed our support. I just hope that I can manage to stop the cycle and make sure that my own sons will know they can show emotion and be better equipped to handle different situations. I know that doesn't help your situation, but maybe some insight into the problem, maybe not, could just be you have useless brothers!

Andiline · 11-01-2007

Tappy, been there too many years ago when my parents went on vacation and someone had to take care of my grandparents. I know the feeling.... kick him where it hurts him most...

Andiline · 11-04-2007

Just an update for all of you who were kind enough to offer me some advise:

my part of the family (parents and other sister) is of the oppinion that this is between my sister and her husband and it doesn't mean that two families are getting divorced (not sure they are talking about divorce, haven't even heard that word yet). My mom wants to call my BIL's mom as our parents have been friends for about 25 years and there is no reason to stop that. The most important issue at hand right now is my nephew's 18th birthday which is special as he will be of full age according to german law. He wants to celebrate with both families and I hope this will work out. My sister wants my BIL to be there as well and so one solution might be to go to a restaurant (neutral place) instead of celebrating at their home. My nephew still doesn't talk about it and I know my sister is worried about that. But if he doesn't want to talk there is not much she can do.

For the rest: my sister is the one who cries the most but I think after having been for 27 years with a person it is difficult to move on. Even if you were the one asking for the separation. They will have to adjust their lives but that'll take some time. Guess the rest of us will adjust better than them....

Thanks again!

Andrea

**SunKneeMarie** · 11-04-2007

thanks for the update

family things can be so difficult... as so many have said, being there for your nephew is the number one thing... he needs as much extended family support and stability as he can get, especially if the immediate family is shaky...

good luck to all of you....

Tesla 573 · 11-04-2007

So sorry to hear this...hope you and your family all the best.

10-31-2007	#16 (permalink)
Rissask Brit basher Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 20,997	Not much to add....I have had a few similar situations, my parents split after 24 years of marriage when I was 18, I was divorced at 28 which shook my parents up quite a bit too. I know I wasn't sad to see my ex go ("don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!" was my basic feeling on that ) but I did miss his sister and brothers afterward - NOT his mom though! It was a little tough not being able to talk to them anymore, and not even really getting to say goodbye, just a sudden yank and it was done, like Taps said, I 'divorced' them as well. If we had been closer or if we had children things would been different, and more difficult. Don't worry too much about the reasons she had, sometimes there isn't a specific 'reason'. You don't need to have an abusive or otherwise horrible marriage (I didn't) to want to have a better one (which I certainly do now ). Just accept it and support and love your sister unconditionally through this, while still remaining neutral, that is my best advice.

10-31-2007	#17 (permalink)
kayt707 añejo Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Alta Loma, Ca Posts: 6,403	I dont have personal experience in this but I know people who have had splits like this. Stand by your sister and let her know that you love and support her. That does not mean though that you have to cut him out of your family. It may not be easy but its important. Especially for your nephew. That way he doesnt have to feel like he has to chose sides or that his whole family is falling apart. My mom and my sisters mom somehow managed to put aside their issues to make sure that we girls were raised together. Not really the same thing but its about keeping a family feeling for the kids. I have worked very hard to try and form a bond with my stepsons mom and grandma( and there were a lot of issues surrounding both sides of the family). Sky always had moms side and dads side and no common ground. I have started to include them in our celebrations and such and help sky make mothers day gifts, birthday cards, etc. for them. Its the first time hes had time with all his family, mine,matts and his moms. I think its important for him to have that. It takes him out of the middle of things and to me showing respect and kindness to his mom and grandma I am telling him that I respect all sides of him. Obviously you should make sure your sister knows you support her but that you want to keep contact with her ex if for nothing else but the sake of her child. Two separate homes and families is tough enough without added pressure of family tensions.

10-31-2007	#18 (permalink)
pamplemoose77 añejo Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: dallas - kinda, tx Posts: 9,535	when i split from my ex in '02, my family did not handle it well. the fact that you're even thinking about how to handle it is a step up from their reaction both of our families had been close since we were in jr. high, so it was tough. i knew when i made the decision to walk away that my life would come crumbling down and everyone would be pissed... i was right. my parents didn't talk to me for 4mos.. my sister didn't talk to me for 6mos... my ex FIL just said his first words to me this year after finding out i was pregnant... he had held out for 5 years! impressive, eh?! i don't think there's a perfect/right way to do it... but not being there for her is definitely the "wrong" way... good luck with all the birthdays and holidays! they are definitely harder when things are up in the air!

10-31-2007	#20 (permalink)
MWC añejo Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 6,197	It's horrible when your own parents turn on you. My niece went through some personal problems that culminated in a divorce, and her parents sided with her husband the whole way, and became quite nasty and aggressive about it, and tried to drag the whole rest of the family onto their "team." . I cannot see doing that to your own child, and my relationship with them (the parents, who are inlaws) has never been the same since, and never will be.

10-31-2007	#21 (permalink)
raquelle261 añejo Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Hull, UK Posts: 1,702	Like the others have said Andi, I applaud your attitude and that you are even thinking about how is best or not to handle this. One thing I can add is that I have been in the shoes that your nephew is now in. My parents split up when I was 8yo and (cemented even more by my dad dying 2 years later) after the divorce, although I still saw my dad, unfortunately the 2 extended families went completely separate ways. It wasn't until 20 years later that I next had contact with my dad's side of the family. I don't love them any less despite those missing years, although I wish more than anything we hadn't lost them, and as an adult I fully understand how these situations happen. As a child, however, my thought process was entirely different. So, and I am sure anyway you are going to do this, whatever happens between the adults in the relationships, please do not lose contact with your nephew. Hope it all works out for you. x

10-31-2007	#22 (permalink)
farmgirl life=playa Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Posts: 878	Something that my brother has had to deal with which didn't happen right away but actually many years later, is that his kids are very angry with him for leaving them and their mom for another women. It didn't work out and she has never been in their life, but he did remarry later and had another child and that one didn't work out. It was after that divorce that the first 2 kids quit speaking to him. I think it is very hard for kids and even us adults to understand why things happen. I don't believe that it is ever one persons fault, but they do blame my brother. Sadly we did to at first, we were so hurt and angry with him, but I guess none of us ever lived with his wife to know just what it was like to live with someone everyone thought was so perfect. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I think the biggest thing your nephew will need right now is support to know that no one blames anyone and especially not him. It is no ones fault, things just happen for what ever reason and he will need reasurance of that. Sometimes it isn't even something bad that caused it, people change and we grow out of love sometimes. It seems your sister seems to think it is her decision, I think she has to be careful with that around her son, it might come back to haunt her sometime down the road.

11-01-2007	#23 (permalink)
Andiline añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Cologne, Germany Posts: 7,745	Thank you all very much for your thoughts, comments and advise. I had the mother of all headaches yesterday which is why I didn't answer sooner. Looks like I am on the 'right' track (if there is anything like that). I'll call her later today to ask how she is as today is her first day without him. And I'll have to talk to my parents as I think they need me right now. We probably have to take it one day at a time right now.... I wasn't really THAT close to my BIL (like we talk on the phone every day) we talked when we met and helped each other out when there was something to do so I will not start calling him now. Would look weird. Andrea

11-01-2007	#24 (permalink)
TAPPY añejo Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Louisiana Posts: 15,315	Is it possible to divorce your siblings ??? ...cause right now I am feeling like I would like to do just that. What is it about brothers who cant help out when a parent is sick ??? I am fighting the urge to blast them !

11-01-2007	#25 (permalink)
Rissask Brit basher Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 20,997	sorry you are going through that Taps. It sure seems as if daughters are the ones who end up look after the aging parents most often.

11-01-2007	#27 (permalink)
Andiline añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Cologne, Germany Posts: 7,745	Tappy, been there too many years ago when my parents went on vacation and someone had to take care of my grandparents. I know the feeling.... kick him where it hurts him most...

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11-04-2007	#28 (permalink)
Andiline añejo Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Cologne, Germany Posts: 7,745	Just an update for all of you who were kind enough to offer me some advise: my part of the family (parents and other sister) is of the oppinion that this is between my sister and her husband and it doesn't mean that two families are getting divorced (not sure they are talking about divorce, haven't even heard that word yet). My mom wants to call my BIL's mom as our parents have been friends for about 25 years and there is no reason to stop that. The most important issue at hand right now is my nephew's 18th birthday which is special as he will be of full age according to german law. He wants to celebrate with both families and I hope this will work out. My sister wants my BIL to be there as well and so one solution might be to go to a restaurant (neutral place) instead of celebrating at their home. My nephew still doesn't talk about it and I know my sister is worried about that. But if he doesn't want to talk there is not much she can do. For the rest: my sister is the one who cries the most but I think after having been for 27 years with a person it is difficult to move on. Even if you were the one asking for the separation. They will have to adjust their lives but that'll take some time. Guess the rest of us will adjust better than them.... Thanks again! Andrea

11-04-2007	#29 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 27,782	thanks for the update family things can be so difficult... as so many have said, being there for your nephew is the number one thing... he needs as much extended family support and stability as he can get, especially if the immediate family is shaky... good luck to all of you....

11-04-2007	#30 (permalink)
Tesla 573 añejo Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: LA...Lower Ala Posts: 7,087	So sorry to hear this...hope you and your family all the best.