How do you handle difficult family changes?

[Andiline]

Just asking... while I was in Zurich I got an email from my sister that she and her husband are going to be separated this week (after more than 25 years) which was my sister's wish. At first I was shocked to the bone but it is HER life and certainly I will not question her decision (I know that she didn't take it easily). Talked to my parents later on who are trying to be courageous but it was a shock for them as well (nobody ex- or suspected anything) but they DO suffer. I am sort of okay with it as long as my nephew is okay.

Still - how do you handle changes in your family like this? It's not only that one couple splits up but two families (mine and my BIL's parents and his twin brother) which have been close for more than 25 years and suddenly this is ... not existing any more...

Any advice? Thanks!

Andrea

[NorthMinnesota]

My parents split up after 20 some years...6 kids...none of us handled it well.
Sorry.

[MWC]

Blood is thicker than water. Stand by your sister, above all else. Her whole social life will be turned upside down by this split -- all the couples she and her husband used to be friendly with, as a couple, will choose sides ... so your sister will really need a stable place (you) she can go to for comfort and nonjudgmental understanding.

This doesn't mean you have to cut your former BIL out of the picture. But do make sure your actions toward him don't undermine your family ties with your sister.

Best of luck to you all. How old is your nephew?

[TAPPY]

My brother and SIL split up after 23 years. It was very hard. I miss my SIL very much, she was the sister I never had. It was a painful divorce for her and in the end she had no choice but to "divorce our family" as well. I still talk and email with her, but it will never be the same.

[rodman]

My sister and BIL split @ 5 years ago, were married in 1978....they have both found others to couple up with, and their kids, my neice and nephew are 26 and 22, and are ok with it, all were in attendance at my neices wedding 2 1/2 years ago, Mom and Dad gave away the bride, and the BIL's new girl was taking the wedding photos, one of her hobbies, and the pics were the bomb! One can only hope for the best, sometimes things do work out for the best, and once the smoke and dust has cleared, things seem clearer in the long run......heres hoping your family gets it all going too! My mom was ok with the split, and he ex son inlaw will fly from MN to San Diego about once a year to see her, and visit......decent guy, they just don't want to be married anymore!

[Loree]

my advice is this....................don't pick sides........treat them the same way you did when they were together...........

[jamesblonde]

Originally Posted by Loree

my advice is this....................don't pick sides........treat them the same way you did when they were together...........

Perfect advice Loree. I became seperated from my ex after nearly 19 yrs of marriage. He was not a nice person. His family had been my family since I was a child. All of the sudden, they were gone. It's been 9 yrs and slowly I have rebuilt relationships with my ex in-laws, as he has burnt bridges with them. For the kids sake I think it's important to try to maintain a relationship. It won't be the same, but it doesn't have to end. They are still a part of your family.

[Seakony]

I got nothing for ya.....never had to deal with a divorce in the immediate family and only one friend got divorced and I never wanted her to marry the jerk in the first place. I like Lorees advice...don't get in the middle of it. You can be supportive to your sister and still remain friends with your BIL. (unless he did something really really bad)

[Kricket]

The dynamics of each family is different....thoughts/reactions/feelings change from day to day. Basically, it's a loss to be mourned and is devastating. But, your nephew should be first on the list and be the main focus. Everything else will fall into place as it should. Some circumstances end up extremely amicable (as mine did) and others don't...it can't be forced or imposed upon. But, if the love for your nephew is extremely prevelant on both sides of the family, over time, a cohesiveness is created ..but it all takes time. It's all very raw an emotional right now, but it won't always be that way and I wish the very best for you and the rest of your family.

[Andiline]

Thank you all! I called my sister yesterday to offer my help with my BIL's moving out. I do not know much about the reasons why this happened she only told me it was HER decision and from what I heard I think my BIL has been hit badly by it. I am not the person who takes sides but if I have to for some reason it will be my sister's (of course). My nephew will turn 18 in a few weeks so I think he is old enough to handle it somehow. He doesn't talk about it though (which I am not sure is a good sign). I think I need to talk my parents tonight as yesterday I came back home too late to go down to their appartment.

Yes, I think we do have some painful months ahead of us as this is the time of the year in which people are depressed anyway and we still have 3 birthdays (mine, my sister and my nephew) before Christmas.

[farmgirl]

Loree is so right, do not take sides. Make sure if either one of them is talking to you about the situation or the other one that you just listen, don't ever add your thoughts, it might come back to bite you!
My family has been thru this 3 times, 2 of which were devastating, 1 we were happy as hell but it was not pretty. The first time my SIL decided that she needed to break away from us and we only saw her when we would see the kids which were only 2/5 at the time. It was very hard on my parents as my brother was the one that left and none of us saw it coming. The 2nd one was tough too, we had taken in my SIL and her 3 children and loved them like family. We still see her and she is really good at coming to family gatherings if my brother isn't going to be there. He is also very good at telling my parents that he can't come, let Jo know that she should come.
Every situation will be different as people react differently. Like others have said, the child is most important, he can't feel like you have all divorced his father. If it works out that they can be in the same room together, I think that is the best for the holidays etc.
I have a close friend who is divorced from her husband after 6 years. They have a son who is now 8 and he has always had both his parents for all birthdays and holidays. Their's is a unique situation but their son has come first and luckily there is no other boyfriends or girlfriends involved yet, but I think when that happens, things will be different.
Just be there for both of them with hugs and a ear when needed. Like my aunt who lost her husband very young said about my aunt who had just been divorced, "I can't imagine how they must feel, at least I know that Jim loved me when he died". I hope it doesn't come down to sides for you, it will make things much harder to deal with in the end, especially where your nephew is concerned.
Good luck

[farmgirl]

Originally Posted by Andiline

Thank you all! I called my sister yesterday to offer my help with my BIL's moving out. I do not know much about the reasons why this happened she only told me it was HER decision and from what I heard I think my BIL has been hit badly by it. I am not the person who takes sides but if I have to for some reason it will be my sister's (of course). My nephew will turn 18 in a few weeks so I think he is old enough to handle it somehow. He doesn't talk about it though (which I am not sure is a good sign). I think I need to talk my parents tonight as yesterday I came back home too late to go down to their appartment.

Yes, I think we do have some painful months ahead of us as this is the time of the year in which people are depressed anyway and we still have 3 birthdays (mine, my sister and my nephew) before Christmas.

You have to take those birthdays and make them wonderful! Especially your nephews. Maybe they need to ask him how he would like to celebrate it and try their best to make it work even if it means they are both with him. You are right about the depression and he is at a pretty tough age as it is for young people. I don't mean to buy him whatever he wants or spoil him, but if he wants supper with his parents, they'll have to try and make it work, or maybe he will want to do something with his friends and they should try and respect that too.

[Luv2Dance]

Andiline, I'm sorry to hear this news. I am sure it was a shock to you and painful for sure. It is never easy on the couple splitting or the family and friends who have shared their lives with them. I do know from my experience this year, that I have spoken with our mutual friends, most of whom were shocked by our split, and have found that the majority tried to stay neutral and support both of us and the children during the fireworks. I realize that this is a grieving period for them as well and have had girlfriends re evaluate their own lives in the process. There are sides to a marriage that aren't shown to family or friends as there is always a period during turmoil where the couple needs privacy to try and work things out without intereference or well intended advice from them. I can't speak for all couples, but this was what happened to me.....hence the shock from all people surrounding us.

Trust me, your support is needed right now. Even if to just be available as I am sure neither one of them want you to take sides. I will be thinking of you during this hard time of adjustment.

[MartyC]

My first wife (and the mother of my children) and I split up 15 years ago. It was hard for me and the kids, not so sure about the ex as she had a boyfriend in the weeds at the time, but we all made it through OK. The key for the kids, don't blame either parent for the break-up. And try, as hard as it is, not to argue with the ex in front of them.

The good thing for me is that I found a great girl and the second time around has been great. I'm sure your sister and nephew will be OK. Just be there for them.

[Thor Henning]

Originally Posted by Loree

my advice is this....................don't pick sides........treat them the same way you did when they were together...........

Yes, I think this is the right way to handle it, and it is the way I have tried to handle things after I got divorced 9 years ago. I was married for 17 years.