Holiday Part Memo

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TO: All Staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resources Director
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. Full open bar, and plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

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TO: All Staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resource Director
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 2

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately this year it doesn’t. However, from now on, we’ll be calling the Yuletide get together our “Holiday Party”.

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TO: All Staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resource Director
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 3

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table at the Holiday Party...you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if we put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

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TO: All Staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resource Director
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 7

What a diverse organization we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking, and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employee’s religious beliefs. Perhaps Luigis can hold off serving your meals until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in those attractive foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the tables closest to the washrooms. Did I miss anything?



TO: All Staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resource Director
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 8

So December 22nd marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do about it? Fire regulations at Luigis prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay??

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TO: All staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resource Director
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 9

People, people...nothing sinister was intended by the idea of having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus. Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan”, there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit”. It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Hollowe’en, or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentines Day. Could we PLEASE lighten up a little?

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TO: All Staff
FROM: Pat Lewis - Human Resource Director
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 10

Vegetarians!?!?!? For Chrissakes, I’ve just about had it with you people!!! We’re going to have this party at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not! You may sit quietly at the table farthest from “the grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your damned salad bar, including the hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings to...they scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream...I can hear them screaming right now!

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TO: All Staff
FROM: Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resource Director
RE: Pat Lewis and the Holiday Party
DATE: December 14

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party, and give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay. Happy now?