Christmas Parties

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Christmas Parties

Festivity Level 1:
Your guests are chatting amiably with one another, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing yuletide carols around your upright piano, sipping their drinks and nibbling on hors d’oeuvres.


Festivity Level 2:
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me’, around the upright piano, gulping their drinks, and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.


Festivity Level 3:
Your guests are arguing vehemently with inanimate objects, singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”, gulping other people’s drinks, scoffing down Christmas tree ornaments, and placing hors d’oeuvres inside the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.


Festivity Level 4:
Your guests, hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The upright piano is nowhere to be found.


You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go for level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is copious quantities of eggnog.