What do you say when a close friend is dying?

Skiptown · 07-27-2008

Today I find out that a guy I grew up with, jumped out of a lot of planes with, partied a lot with is dying. He lives in Hawaii and is near where I live visiting his sister. A good mutual friend and I are going to visit him this week. I am horrible at these kind of visits and always come away feeling like I did not do well while visiting. I have had this kind of visit with two other of my close buds in tha last few years and have felt like I have come up short on my last talk with them. What can you suggest to help me. This is a very tough thing for me to do but one that I feel duty bound to acomplish as a friend. It is times like this that life as precious as it is just sucks.How do you say goodby?

syl · 07-28-2008

wow that is difficult...if it was me i would want kind words but not pity...i can not imagine how difficult this would be but i would express just that..that you are not sure what to say etc..they will appreciate your honestly..keep us posted ..take care..any outreach will be appreciated im sure...

roni · 07-28-2008

It happened with a friend two year's ago

And another last year

And a colleague a year or so before that.

I have found, when I knew the death was going to happen

A simple "Damn I loved you and I will miss you. Good-by dear friend" worked.

Sometimes uttered during a tearful good=by hug.

Damn.....

Kellyk · 07-28-2008

I agree with Syl, no pity.
Hug him, tell him how you feel about him, reminisce over all the fun you had, laugh...a lot if you can, hug him again and ask him if there is anything you do for him or his family. Just open your heart to him.

I'm so sorry.

**Susie Q Roo** · 07-28-2008

Be honest with him, whatever you say. When my gay friend finally succumbed to AIDS (after becoming the longest diagnosed-without-becoming-ill patient at that time), I told him what I saw as the truth about his life, "Bruce, you've loved and you've been loved and that's the most anyone can hope for." And then I hugged him until I thought one of us would break. You don't need a lot of words... just sincere ones.

MikeW · 07-28-2008

Remind him:
Why you are such good friends.
What it is in him that makes him so special to you.

BonnyW · 07-28-2008

This is what I would do...

Be truthful and loving...yep...very, very important. You do not want to say anything you regret during this time. Those memories may you haunt for a lifetime.

Make your day with your friend/ family member the day that he/she will always remember you by...and the day you remember them by. Talk of good times--the positive stuff. There is no use in talking about would-have, could-have beens...it is too late to change those. Live in the present with them. Live for today; and also, reflect on the past. Silly things, fun things, stupid things...Forget about tomorrow for now.

Tell them how much they have meant to you--how this person has changed your life for the better...Think about how their lives, how they brought meaning to your life and the lives of others...and then tell them that

Remind yourself--it is all about what one has contributed, the quality of life you have given others, and patience and love for the spirit of/the essence of the person you are now seeing....

Most of us want be immortal, somehow. For some, if we are somehow remembered, our lives are complete

. For some, conveying this is very important, and for others, passing through the pain is paramount. Whatever it is--put yourself in the background.

((HUGS)) no matter what happens. This is a difficult time.
Take care.

cpfstich · 07-28-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by BonnyW

This is what I would do...

Be truthful and loving...yep...very, very important. You do not want to say anything you regret during this time. Those memories may you haunt for a lifetime.

Make your day with your friend/ family member the day that he/she will always remember you by...and the day you remember them by. Talk of good times--the positive stuff. There is no use in talking about would-have, could-have beens...it is too late to change those. Live in the present with them. Live for today; and also, reflect on the past. Silly things, fun things, stupid things...Forget about tomorrow for now.

Tell them how much they have meant to you--how this person has changed your life for the better...Think about how their lives, how they brought meaning to your life and the lives of others...and then tell them that

Remind yourself--it is all about what one has contributed, the quality of life you have given others, and patience and love for the spirit of/the essence of the person you are now seeing....

Most of us want be immortal, somehow. For some, if we are somehow remembered, our lives are complete

. For some, conveying this is very important, and for others, passing through the pain is paramount. Whatever it is--put yourself in the background.

((HUGS)) no matter what happens. This is a difficult time.
Take care.

I quote Bonny with tears in my eyes. It simply cannot be said better. Our thoughts are with all of you.

**Jesus** · 07-28-2008

Rember the good old times, the funny times, the crazy times, and also the bad times and how you coped with them.
In esence, make him remember why you are good friends.

In Spanish there is a phrase I like a lot: "Recordar es volver a vivir" To remember is to live again.

Also, when I was working as a photographer at a resort, a customer sent me this with a thank you note:

" Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment; photography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure"-British politician Tony Benn

STOGEY · 07-28-2008

Just be honest ,and try to treat him like it's such a normal thing. The harder he thinks its on you the harder it will be on him.

**sctx** · 07-28-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesus

To remember is to live again.

After a close call last year with my best friend, I'd have to agree with this, there is no "goodbye"....... stay strong

maestranba · 07-28-2008

These are all wonderful suggestions. The only thing I'd add is be a good listener. There may be things your friend wants you to know so make sure you're open to hear whatever it is s/he wants to tell you. And if there's anything you want to let him/her know, this would be a good time to say it.

Sending hugs of encouragement. ((((hugs))))

One of our close friends is going through cancer treatment right now and it's so hard for everyone. Just be there, that's all we can do right now.

Bob-Ster · 07-28-2008

Things to talk about....
NOBODY lives forever, yourself included, reflect how nice it is that you can have this moment (getting together).
The fact that no one has any control over the current situation, NONE! The only thing that you do have control over is how you react.
Reflect. Reinforce the fact that this person has had a full life... Accomplishments.
Discuss how death, in reality, is a part of life.
Mention to them that you will see this person again....
Be stong....smile....look them in the eye...show conviction.
Tough stuff but stuff that, when you walk away, you will feel better (somewhat, hopefully) and maybe a little more fullfilled....and they should feel better.
I look forward to hearing how it went.

**Bumper** · 07-28-2008

I've gone through this twice in the last couple of years, once with my closest friend of over 35 years. I think you have to let them take the lead. What do they want to talk about, what do they choose to remember or dwell on? My close chum was not a demonstrative or outgoing sort, so he wanted mostly to talk about the fun stuff we did. We laughed a lot, and that suited us both, because that's my style. I was asked to do his eulogy, and they got half an hour of stand-up that had 'em rolling in the aisles. He would have liked that. We were also co-workers for those 35 years, so he wanted to talk about the changes we had seen in the industry, and reminisce about the people we had known. He was in a palliative care facility where they are pretty casual about the usual rules, so we took thermos bottles of wine with us every day, and enjoyed our bit of the grape. The staff couldn't join us, but his other visitors and his minister did. At the very end, I just held his hand and talked about what was going on in the world and at work. I'd like to think he knew I was there.

Tlyn · 07-28-2008

I am going through this with a friend now. I cherish our time together more than ever. She's not one to talk about her illness or get down about things, so we joke around and laugh a lot. Pretty much, just keeping things as they were before. I do get in an extra hug with her when I can!

07-27-2008	#1 (permalink)
Skiptown añejo Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Where the Columbia and Snake Meet Posts: 1,589	What do you say when a close friend is dying? Today I find out that a guy I grew up with, jumped out of a lot of planes with, partied a lot with is dying. He lives in Hawaii and is near where I live visiting his sister. A good mutual friend and I are going to visit him this week. I am horrible at these kind of visits and always come away feeling like I did not do well while visiting. I have had this kind of visit with two other of my close buds in tha last few years and have felt like I have come up short on my last talk with them. What can you suggest to help me. This is a very tough thing for me to do but one that I feel duty bound to acomplish as a friend. It is times like this that life as precious as it is just sucks.How do you say goodby?

07-28-2008	#13 (permalink)
Bob-Ster into ruins Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The soon to be Frozen Tundra Posts: 65	Regretfully, I've had some experience with this..... Things to talk about.... NOBODY lives forever, yourself included, reflect how nice it is that you can have this moment (getting together). The fact that no one has any control over the current situation, NONE! The only thing that you do have control over is how you react. Reflect. Reinforce the fact that this person has had a full life... Accomplishments. Discuss how death, in reality, is a part of life. Mention to them that you will see this person again.... Be stong....smile....look them in the eye...show conviction. Tough stuff but stuff that, when you walk away, you will feel better (somewhat, hopefully) and maybe a little more fullfilled....and they should feel better. I look forward to hearing how it went.

07-28-2008	#2 (permalink)
syl añejo Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: santa ynez Posts: 3,999	wow that is difficult...if it was me i would want kind words but not pity...i can not imagine how difficult this would be but i would express just that..that you are not sure what to say etc..they will appreciate your honestly..keep us posted ..take care..any outreach will be appreciated im sure...

07-28-2008	#3 (permalink)
roni Happy Curmudgeon Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Oregon Posts: 29,047	It happened with a friend two year's ago And another last year And a colleague a year or so before that. I have found, when I knew the death was going to happen A simple "Damn I loved you and I will miss you. Good-by dear friend" worked. Sometimes uttered during a tearful good=by hug. Damn.....

07-28-2008	#4 (permalink)
Kellyk añejo Join Date: May 2005 Location: Dallas,TX Posts: 5,778	I agree with Syl, no pity. Hug him, tell him how you feel about him, reminisce over all the fun you had, laugh...a lot if you can, hug him again and ask him if there is anything you do for him or his family. Just open your heart to him. I'm so sorry.

07-28-2008	#5 (permalink)
Susie Q Roo paradisiac Join Date: May 2003 Location: Q Roo Posts: 11,960	Be honest with him, whatever you say. When my gay friend finally succumbed to AIDS (after becoming the longest diagnosed-without-becoming-ill patient at that time), I told him what I saw as the truth about his life, "Bruce, you've loved and you've been loved and that's the most anyone can hope for." And then I hugged him until I thought one of us would break. You don't need a lot of words... just sincere ones.

07-28-2008	#6 (permalink)
MikeW añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Moorpark, CA Posts: 9,749	Remind him: Why you are such good friends. What it is in him that makes him so special to you.

07-28-2008	#7 (permalink)
BonnyW añejo Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Left Coast...So Cal Posts: 9,262	This is what I would do... Be truthful and loving...yep...very, very important. You do not want to say anything you regret during this time. Those memories may you haunt for a lifetime. Make your day with your friend/ family member the day that he/she will always remember you by...and the day you remember them by. Talk of good times--the positive stuff. There is no use in talking about would-have, could-have beens...it is too late to change those. Live in the present with them. Live for today; and also, reflect on the past. Silly things, fun things, stupid things...Forget about tomorrow for now. Tell them how much they have meant to you--how this person has changed your life for the better...Think about how their lives, how they brought meaning to your life and the lives of others...and then tell them that Remind yourself--it is all about what one has contributed, the quality of life you have given others, and patience and love for the spirit of/the essence of the person you are now seeing.... Most of us want be immortal, somehow. For some, if we are somehow remembered, our lives are complete . For some, conveying this is very important, and for others, passing through the pain is paramount. Whatever it is--put yourself in the background. ((HUGS)) no matter what happens. This is a difficult time. Take care.

07-28-2008	#9 (permalink)
Jesus Nutty Peep Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Mexico City, Mexico Posts: 4,885	Rember the good old times, the funny times, the crazy times, and also the bad times and how you coped with them. In esence, make him remember why you are good friends. In Spanish there is a phrase I like a lot: "Recordar es volver a vivir" To remember is to live again. Also, when I was working as a photographer at a resort, a customer sent me this with a thank you note: " Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment; photography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure"-British politician Tony Benn

07-28-2008	#10 (permalink)
STOGEY Allah Akhbar Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: salisbury, mass. Posts: 7,101	Just be honest ,and try to treat him like it's such a normal thing. The harder he thinks its on you the harder it will be on him.

07-28-2008	#12 (permalink)
maestranba añejo Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 2,933	These are all wonderful suggestions. The only thing I'd add is be a good listener. There may be things your friend wants you to know so make sure you're open to hear whatever it is s/he wants to tell you. And if there's anything you want to let him/her know, this would be a good time to say it. Sending hugs of encouragement. ((((hugs)))) One of our close friends is going through cancer treatment right now and it's so hard for everyone. Just be there, that's all we can do right now.

07-28-2008	#14 (permalink)
Bumper Class Clown Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Winnipeg, Canada Posts: 10,245	I've gone through this twice in the last couple of years, once with my closest friend of over 35 years. I think you have to let them take the lead. What do they want to talk about, what do they choose to remember or dwell on? My close chum was not a demonstrative or outgoing sort, so he wanted mostly to talk about the fun stuff we did. We laughed a lot, and that suited us both, because that's my style. I was asked to do his eulogy, and they got half an hour of stand-up that had 'em rolling in the aisles. He would have liked that. We were also co-workers for those 35 years, so he wanted to talk about the changes we had seen in the industry, and reminisce about the people we had known. He was in a palliative care facility where they are pretty casual about the usual rules, so we took thermos bottles of wine with us every day, and enjoyed our bit of the grape. The staff couldn't join us, but his other visitors and his minister did. At the very end, I just held his hand and talked about what was going on in the world and at work. I'd like to think he knew I was there.

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07-28-2008	#15 (permalink)
Tlyn life=playa Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: SSP, MN Posts: 674	I am going through this with a friend now. I cherish our time together more than ever. She's not one to talk about her illness or get down about things, so we joke around and laugh a lot. Pretty much, just keeping things as they were before. I do get in an extra hug with her when I can!