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Everybody is familiar with this classic comedy routine, but I suspect most of us have never seen it in print before. I recovered it off a website a couple of years back, and spent a very long time re-typing it into a format my system would accept. Given my prowess as a typist, you can understand what a commitment that was! I've been able to appreciate it at my leisure ever since. I hope you'll enjoy it too and reminisce about a time when clever comedic artists didn't depend on a laugh track or vulgarity.

WHO’S ON FIRST

Abbott: Well, Costello, I’m going to New York with you. The Yankee’s manager gave me a job as a coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re a coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well, you know I’ve not met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names...pet names...like Dizzy Dean.
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe’.
Abbott: Goofe’ Dean? Well, let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t know is on third...
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third...
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be coach to?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellow’s names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then, who’s on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I’m asking you who is on first.
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who’s playing first?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who’s wife?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What’s wrong with that?
Costello: What I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott: That’s how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.
Abbott: No, What is on second base.
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well, don’t change the players around.
Costello: I’m not changing anybody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I’m only asking you who’s the guy on first base?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: OK.
Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third, we’re not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Why, you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No, Who’s playing first.
Costello: What’s on base?
Abbott: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third.
Costello: Here I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don’t go off it.
Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now, who’s playing third base?
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: You don’t want who on second?
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who’s playing left field.
Abbott: Who’s playing first.
Costello: I’m not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what’s the guy’s name in left field?
Abbott: No, what is on second.
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.
Abbott: Who’s on first!
Costello: I don’t know.
Together: Third base!

Pause

Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he’s centre field.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher’s name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?
Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching.
Costello: I’ll break your arm if you say who’s on first!!! I want to know what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher’s name?
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow’s pitching.
Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
Costello: All we’ve got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I’m a catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s pitching for my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first. So, I pick up the ball and I throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That’s all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s got to get it. Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So, I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: No you don’t, you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s different.
Costello: That’s what I said.
Abbott: You’re not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what I said!
Abbott: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow, triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s on third and I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: What?
Costello: I said I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that’s our shortstop.