dumb joke - got one?

Page · 08-21-2004

This may be an old story for some of you, but it made me chortle, so I wanted to share it. Maybe it's my sick sense of humour, but most jokes just aren't this funny!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the man who answered the door if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?"

The man agreed and told her that everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Do you think she realizes that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by E-mail lately,"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus."

**tommy** · 08-21-2004

HOW LONG?

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I

can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2

hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "

How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the

shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A

week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long

before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,

"About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued

by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill.

Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,

laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

Ginger · 08-21-2004

those aren't dumb, those are funny!

Here's a dumb one for ya', it's my son's joke:

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

-
-
-
-

'Cause he was feeling "crummy".

Sue · 08-21-2004

There was a guy at a bar which happened to be on the upper level of a building. He ordered a tequila, drank it down, and then walked over to the other side of the room and jumped out the window. A few minutes later, the same guy came into the bar, sat down, ordered another shot of tequila, and drank it down. He again went over and jumped out the window. A few minutes later, he reappeared again, sat down, and ordered another shot of tequila. Another man, close to him at the bar, looked at him, confounded, and said, "Dude. How do you do that?" The first guy says, "I'll show you." He ordered each of them a shot of tequila, which they each drank down. He led the second guy to the window, and told him to jump out. He did - to his death. The bartender shook his head and said, "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

angella · 08-21-2004

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartmouth on your knee."

Sue · 08-21-2004

Proceeding with caution on this one:

Anyone know why the blonde went to church for the first time?

**sctx** · 08-21-2004

A scientist from Southern University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist
was taken outside by a large group of men, who kicked the
shit out of him

Ginger · 08-21-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by sctx

A scientist from Southern University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist
was taken outside by a large group of men, who kicked the
shit out of him

HA HA HA HA HA

Michele · 08-21-2004

Quote:

Anyone know why the blonde went to church for the first time?

Ok, I'll bite .... why did the blond go to church for the first time?

angella · 08-21-2004

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother."

Sue · 08-21-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michele

Ok, I'll bite .... why did the blond go to church for the first time?

(Arms up and stretched all the way out):

'Cause she heard there was a guy there that was hung like thiiiiiisssss.

I'm sorry.

Michele · 08-21-2004

LOL

**SunKneeMarie** · 08-21-2004

A few "walks into a bar" jokes that my husband loves to tell:

First the original: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
(this has since been replaced with: Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?")

Guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender: I'll have a beer... and one for the road.

Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Okay, I'll serve you... but don't start anything."

You SAID dumb jokes... I'm trying to do justice to the thread....

**sctx** · 08-21-2004

an Irishman walks outta a pub

Sue · 08-21-2004

A guy goes into a bar. He sits down and and places a box on the bar. The bartender asks what's in it. The guy opens the box and, holy cow - there's a little guy in there, playing a piano. The bartender says, "Wow! That's pretty neat! Where'd you get that?" The guy pulls out a magic lamp and says, "Well, all you have to do is rub this, and you get a wish." The bartender rubs the lamp and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden, the whole bar is filled with ducks - ducks everywhere. The bartender says, "What the hell?" I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The guy goes, "You think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

08-21-2004	#1 (permalink)
Page life=playa Join Date: May 2003 Location: Playa del Carmen, Mexico and Tweed, Ontario Posts: 734	dumb joke - got one? This may be an old story for some of you, but it made me chortle, so I wanted to share it. Maybe it's my sick sense of humour, but most jokes just aren't this funny! A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the man who answered the door if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?" The man agreed and told her that everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Do you think she realizes that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I'm starting to believe all those "dumb blonde" jokes we've been getting by E-mail lately," A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus."

08-21-2004	#3 (permalink)
Ginger none Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 10,184	those aren't dumb, those are funny! Here's a dumb one for ya', it's my son's joke: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? - - - - 'Cause he was feeling "crummy". Last edited by Ginger; 08-21-2004 at 05:32 PM..

08-21-2004	#10 (permalink)
angella into ruins Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: edmonton, alberta canada Posts: 74	burn... One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother."

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08-21-2004	#2 (permalink)
tommy Rastamon Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Austin Tx Posts: 12,487 Blog Entries: 4	HOW LONG? A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

08-21-2004	#4 (permalink)
Sue añejo Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,629	There was a guy at a bar which happened to be on the upper level of a building. He ordered a tequila, drank it down, and then walked over to the other side of the room and jumped out the window. A few minutes later, the same guy came into the bar, sat down, ordered another shot of tequila, and drank it down. He again went over and jumped out the window. A few minutes later, he reappeared again, sat down, and ordered another shot of tequila. Another man, close to him at the bar, looked at him, confounded, and said, "Dude. How do you do that?" The first guy says, "I'll show you." He ordered each of them a shot of tequila, which they each drank down. He led the second guy to the window, and told him to jump out. He did - to his death. The bartender shook his head and said, "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."

08-21-2004	#5 (permalink)
angella into ruins Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: edmonton, alberta canada Posts: 74	A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair. "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartmouth on your knee."

08-21-2004	#6 (permalink)
Sue añejo Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,629	Proceeding with caution on this one: Anyone know why the blonde went to church for the first time?

08-21-2004	#7 (permalink)
sctx Reality Skeptic Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Body in San Marcos Tx....Tankah in my mind Posts: 29,300	A scientist from Southern University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men, who kicked the shit out of him

08-21-2004	#12 (permalink)
Michele añejo Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Playa del Carmen, QR, MX Posts: 2,868	LOL

08-21-2004	#13 (permalink)
SunKneeMarie character encapsulator Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 28,227	A few "walks into a bar" jokes that my husband loves to tell: First the original: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?" (this has since been replaced with: Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?") Guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender: I'll have a beer... and one for the road. Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Okay, I'll serve you... but don't start anything." You SAID dumb jokes... I'm trying to do justice to the thread....

08-21-2004	#14 (permalink)
sctx Reality Skeptic Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Body in San Marcos Tx....Tankah in my mind Posts: 29,300	an Irishman walks outta a pub

08-21-2004	#15 (permalink)
Sue añejo Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,629	A guy goes into a bar. He sits down and and places a box on the bar. The bartender asks what's in it. The guy opens the box and, holy cow - there's a little guy in there, playing a piano. The bartender says, "Wow! That's pretty neat! Where'd you get that?" The guy pulls out a magic lamp and says, "Well, all you have to do is rub this, and you get a wish." The bartender rubs the lamp and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden, the whole bar is filled with ducks - ducks everywhere. The bartender says, "What the hell?" I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The guy goes, "You think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"