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I knew I had this tucked away somewhere. It's like a famous sign that was actually on the wall of a home supply store we used to have here in town, "We've got it. We may not know where it is, but we've got it" They were right too, they usually did have whatever you wanted, but locating it was frequently a challenge. This horoscope was the same kind of thing.

YOUR HOROSCOPE

AQUARIUS - (January 20 - February 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive in your attitude. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over. People think you are stupid.

PISCES - (February 19 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or RCMP. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your habit of flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do horrible, disgusting things to small animals.

ARIES - (March 21 - April 19) You are the independent type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advise. You are not very nice.

TAURUS - (April 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You are possessed of a dogged determination and work like Hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. Taurus people have B.O. and fart a lot.

GEMINI - (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick thinker and very intelligent. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminians are known for committing incest.

CANCER - (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You tend to procrastinate. That is why you will never amount to anything. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO - (July 23 - August 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are just pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and are unable to accept honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO - (August 23 - September 22) You are the logical type and cannot abide disorder. This compulsive nitpicking is sickening to other people. You are cold and unemotional, and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA - (September 23 - October 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time accepting reality. If you are a man, you are most likely queer. Chances for rewarding employment and monetary gain are excellent. Libra women make good prostitutes. All Libras have venereal diseases.

SCORPIO - (October 23 - November 21) You are shrewd in your business dealings and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics and morals. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS - (November 23 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you are totally lacking in ability or talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks of drug addicts. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN - (December 22 - January 19) You are conservative and reluctant to take risks. You accomplish nothing, and are very lazy. There has never been a Capricorn who achieved anything of any significance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as a dog might think you are a tree and piss on you.