[Bumper]

Originally Posted by Trish

Crit & Tappy, I think y'all outdid Bumper on this one.

Okay, I'll take that as a challenge, and offer the following in reply.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A SOUTHERNER WHEN...

The Hallowe’en pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

Your richest relative buys a new home and you have to help him take the wheels off of it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

Directions to your house include, “Turn off the paved road.”

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You prefer to walk the excess length off your new jeans, rather than hem them.

Your family tree does not fork.

You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table, in front of her kids.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their washrooms so clean.

At least one member of your family has died immediately after saying, “Hey, watch this!”

You think Dom Perignon is a mafia boss.

Your wife’s hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom had its own daycare.

You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The blue book value of your truck fluctuates with the amount of gas in the tank.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to qualify for a freebie at The House of Tatoos.

You can’t marry your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

Your toilet paper has page numbers.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow, but she can’t collect till she turns fourteen.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the men’s room in the Flying J truck stop.

You’ve got more than one brother named Darryl.

You return from a trip to the dump with more than you took.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey And The Bandit was passed over for Best Picture.

Someone asks for your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

You have flowers planted in the bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

Your pick up has a two tone paint job - red primer and grey primer.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Starlight Drive-In Theatre.

The police have your mobile home park at least twice this year.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

You’ve ever cut your front lawn and found a car.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Anyone in your family has “ammo” on their Christmas list.

You’ve ever bought a used baseball cap.

You bought a VCR because WWF wrestling is on while you’re at work.

Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

You neighbours have circulated a petition over your Christmas lights.

The only example of “fine art” in your home is painted on black velvet.

You’ve ever used a Weedeater indoors.

Your family goes hungry because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You’ve ever made change from the collection plate at your church.

Your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

You’ve ever hit a deer with your car...on purpose.

You replace a flat tire on your truck with one from your house.

You’ve ever grilled Spam on the barbeque.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.